Scouting Report: Atlas Shrugged

It's election season! Because the last two years that election related things have been happening apparently don't count. It's possible that our new vice-president will be a devoted follower of Ayn Rand and her seminal work Atlas Shrugged. I'll admit I'm curious about what that would mean, so I should probably read that book. Let's face it though, much like a high-school student it's going to be much better to just watch the movie. So, can Atlas Shrugged change a filthy Socialist Obama-supporter toward the light of unfettered capitalism? Let's find out.

Play...

0:00 - Maybe the earliest comment I've ever made, but when your production company's logo is of Atlas holding up the world, and your movie is called Atlas Shrugged based on the novel called Atlas Shrugged, the cover of which typically includes a picture of Atlas holding up the world? You mighttttt not be a very successful production company.

0:01 - Anytime the first minute of a movie includes the phrase "the pirate Ragnar" and has someone holding a newspaper with a headline to that effect I need to stop. So let's set up the world of this science fiction story, because I didn't realize before that it's a science fiction story. So it's set in the future and oil has become prohibitively expensive for a multitude of reasons and now rail travel is basically the only thing people can still afford. The government is passing laws prohibiting profitable companies from firing people and restricting the ability of companies to increase prices. Also, all the infrastructure is collapsing for reasons so far uncovered other than footage of various infrastructure collapsing.

0:04 - "Who's asking?" "Someone who knows what it's like to work for himself, and not let other feed off the profits of his energy." Something tells me the EXPOSITION ATTACKs from my Twilight review are about to seem a lot tamer. By the way, we are now informed that Midas Mulligan, the guy who asks "who's asking" is now missing after taking to the mysterious stranger. He's also a bank CEO, which might be the most amazingly ironic choice for who to provide as an example of someone who only profits off their own energy since it's a job that, by definition, makes profit off the profit of others. It's kinda why that job exists. But anyway! He's gone now. But the music makes it seem like he went someone nice.

0:06 - Everyone now relies on trains because gas is $37, but the train station is no busier than normal. Just saying.

0:07 - The guy running the biggest railroad in the country just threatened his assistant that "everyone's expendable" after the assistant questioned his job performance. No they aren't, government made that illegal in the prologue. Six minutes ago. Just saying.

0:09 - We now meet our heroine, the sister of the evil railroad guy who is now telling him what the company is going to do. Mainly, they're going to get their steel from a guy named Rearden. Experts are skeptical of his steel, but she's confident in it because it's lighter, cheaper, and tougher than anything else out there and she studied engineering in college. Assuming she studied the accepted concepts of metallurgy then it's strange that the experts dislike something that's lighter, cheaper, and tougher. It's almost like they're purposefully moronic.

0:10 - "RAGNAR THE PIRATE STRIKES AGAIN!" CANNOT tell you how excited I am to see where the hell that newspaper headline-related storyline is going.
0:10 - We are introduced to Hank Rearden, who is loving watching over the massive assembly line for his metal, located in his MASSIVE factory. Literally a minute ago it was revealed in evil railroad guy and his sister's conversation that no one, I repeat NO ONE, has ever used Rearden Metal but she'll be the first. Which begs the question why he needs this level of production, or how he managed to finance it in the first place. Keep in mind the world economy is collapsing, so it's not like he's Pets.com and can just print money based on a wild idea.
0:10 - His secretary informed him of messages from a council on metals, a science board, and the labor union for the product he produces. He instructs her to "file" each, which means throw it in the trash, which she does gleefully. So I'm going to assume she's not part of a union, or she just doesn't give a shit because she can't be fired...no, wait, they've never sold a product. So his company surely isn't profitable. So he can fire whoever he wants! Watch out secretary! Oh, wait, no. She probably just did it gleefully to indicate that his actions are the preferred actions for a character in this story. Carry on everyone.

0:13 - Rail sister Taggert (her first name hasn't been mentioned yet) and Rearden discuss the specifics of their business deal alone in his barely lit office. Because apparently legal teams run on oil and have since died off. To be fair I'm starting to think he's someone who makes steel and now has a new form of metal, which he has created himself because research & development departments run on oil and have died off.

0:16 - I can't even wrap my mind around this scene. Hank gets home, where his wife, her mother, and two of her friends are waiting and all call him Henry. They tell him he works too hard, he gives her a gift of a bracelet made from the first pour of his new wonder metal, she scoffs at it and everyone calls him selfish and talks about how he should've given her diamonds. This is his wife. These two people dated, got engaged, and had a wedding. One of her friends immediately walks after Hank and asks him for money for "Global Awareness" about 15 seconds after scolding him for being selfish. Hank tells him to call first thing in the morning and he'll authorize $100,000, and the shithead immediately starts insulting him again about how he doesn't care about the underprivileged, which Hank admits with pride.

0:18 - Another of his wife's friends makes vague political threats at Hank while he's eating dinner and Hank asks "what's wrong with the world today?" before scarfing down a huge bite of steak. Is he seriously not the bad guy in this movie? Is everyone the bad guy? It's like someone telling the story of GI Joe from Cobra's perspective.
0:18 - The question "who is John Galt" pops up again, Hank ponders it furiously while continuing to cannonball steak and wine during a gobal depression after returning from his company that apparently hasn't been selling any of the sole product it seems to be manufacturing.

0:21 - Some old guys from the government sit around a table and have a "we are giant cocks" discussion about throwing Hank under the bus and trying to destroy his metal.

0:23 - Dagny (train sister) finishes video conferencing with someone (by the way, she went to Philly to talk to Hank Rearden, in a world with dwindling fuel, when video conferencing still exists. But is still apparently excellent at business and determining where best to invest resources). Evil train guy scolds her for pulling all their investments out of Mexico. He wanted to help the people there improve the area, she didn't see a reason to. He makes an angry statement about not helping people who need their help. She sits lockjawed and heroic. So both of our heroes are on the "people who need help can get fucked" train. And remember, trains are popular due to the lack of oil.

0:23 - A guy named Owen walks in to Dagny's office (still a little confused how she took it over from evil train guy. Are CEOs like hermit crabs and she just claimed his shell while he was at evil government bastards meeting in the previous scene?) and tenders his resignation. She basically seems like shes appalled, and tremendously frustrated that nothing she can offer will get him to stay. Finally, she asks what made him leave, he responds, smiling "who is John Galt?" We don't get to see her OBVIOUS follow-up questions, because apparently conversations can end like that.

0:25 - Hank fucks his wife's brains out...well, his brains out using his wife, because she asks "all done then?" when he finishes. He goes to his office to do some work and gets a phone call from Dagny about the whole John Galt thing.

0:29 - Mexico nationalized Taggart's trains, evil train guy took credit for Dagny's plan to screw the Mexicans in order to save face with the executive board. Once again, WHAT IS THE STRUCTURE OF THIS COMPANY?!?!

0:32 - Evil train guy came up with an idea for a rule creating train monopolies in the morning. By what seems like the afternoon it's the law of the land and an entire railway has already closed and a businessman effected by it has arrived at Taggart's offices to complain. Might I remind you that everything is by rail travel, the rail industry is apparently undergoing an unprecedented restructuring that afternoon, but some how a guy made it from Colorado to not Colorado in time to surprise Dagny in her office. Also, he went to the office to see if "anyone in this family has a brain" meaning he didn't know anything about her really. So he went through a transportation shit storm, in a world where transportation is exceptionally difficult already, in an afternoon to go see someone he assumed was an idiot who couldn't help him. Once again, it's been established that he is an excellent businessman and video conferencing still exists.

0:41 - REARDEN AND HIS WIFE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! District 9 is officially more believable than this movie. No, I don't mean as a movie that could happen, I mean as a movie that would happen.
0:43 - Rearden explains to a party guest that he supports his wife and her friends because they're a bunch of miserable children. He does realize you're supposed to marry people you like, right? Maybe he'd be more open to charity if he met some cool underprivileged people, and not the huge assholes he's been bankrolling into basically doing a Marie Antoinette impression.

0:49 - I'm pretty sure everyone from the government is being played by Dobby the Elf from Harry Potter.

0:52 - Dagny goes to the "State Science Institute" which is represented by a building that I'm 80% certain is actually a church. I'll just say it right now, whoever made this movie has never been to an institute or science-y place in their life because they don't look like Hogwarts. Good news: one of the scientists dropped a Ragnar the Pirate reference! Apparently he's like Robin Hood. Can I watch his biopic instead?

0:54 - Taggart's offices are in New York. So that guy got from Colorado to New York in an afternoon on a train during a nationwide reshuffling of rail lines. Didn't know his was a superhero movie.
0:55 - Also, I should mention the characters mostly travel by limo. Because if you live in a world where gas is over $37 a gallon you should travel in the biggest car possible. It's just good business.

0:58 - "I have never hurt a living creature in my entire life, but if you double cross me, I will destroy you." Well, you DID just divert aid to a bunch of Mexicans about a half hour ago. Some of them might still be alive.

1:00 - Dagny just offered sex to a Mexican billionaire for funding for her own rail line. He was her first option. Classy lady.

1:01 - Dagny and Hank Rearden have a discussion earlier in the movie about an engine parts manufacturer who went bust in Wisconsin. He now shows her pictures from the company of what appears to be an engine, this is their discussion as they look at pictures of a guy in a lab coat pointing a pen at what looks like an engine: "It's a new engine, not like any I've ever seen. Never went into production, I'm not even sure the thing works." "Well it's worth a look." This is a long bankrupt engine manufacturer that never got past the prototype phase. Their name? 20th Century Motor Corporation. WHO would think that's worth a look?! "18th century zeppelin company? Might be worth a look!"
1:02 - Apparently a law was just passed that makes it illegal to own more than one company. It's been in the works for a few weeks already, and Dagny is suspicious about how it went through so quickly. Oh, quickly? Like the sweeping realignment of the only remaining transport industry which was passed and implemented in ONE AFTERNOON?!

1:06 - The visual effects in this movie are impressive...in that it's impressive they made a digital model of a train that looks less realistic than Sharktopus.

1:09 - I hope everyone gets to see this train ride at least once, because the movie honestly tries to make it seem more dramatic than the entire running time of Rudy.

1:14 - Rearden and Dagny just had sex, and that scene REALLY should've taken place on a train and finished with the train going into a tunnel. Just saying, it would've been some damn good directing. Also, the movie goes out of its way to remind us that Rearden will be cheating on his wife right before they start to bone.

1:15 - John Galta Claus comes during the night for Wyatt, Rearden and Dagny's business partner and main client.

1:16 - "What is it with all these stupid altruistic urges? It's not being charitable or fair. What's with people today?" Said our heroine. In fairness, she is hearing the incredibly unlikely story of how 20th Century Motor Company was brought down by a flattened wage scale, which paid people according to their need rather than their contribution. It's at this time I must mention the hubris of whoever wrote this shit trying to cast judgment on people who produce inferior products.
1:17 - Dagny and Rearden are in the old, broken down 20th Century factory in Wisconsin. By the way, they drove here from Colorado. In a world that, in footage previously shown, has lost many of its gas stations. Sorry, superhero movie, I forgot. Anyway, as they're searching through Rearden remarks how there's not much left around even though Dagny mentions that it seems like they just walked away in the middle of work. She laments "it's too bad, I'd really like to figure out what happened here." Umm, Rearden just spent like 3 minutes explaining what happened. Remember? The really really unfair sounding flattened wage scale thing? Am I paying more attention to this movie than the characters at this point?
1:19 - Immediately afterward they find a secret passage that leads to a room with all the designs and prototypes and immediately figure out that the engine runs on...magic? I guess? Something about it creating an atmospheric vacuum, being a tiny particle accelerator, and making static electricity from magnetic fields. So, yeah. World-changing magic.

1:28 - Wyatt left with John Galt for the government-less utopia of "Atlantis." In his final act, he set fire to his oil field, leaving a sign that said "I'm leaving it as I found it. Take over. It's yours." Thus totally screwing the heroes of the story, his two business partners, who have gone out of their way to physically threaten anyone who might double-cross them. Also, the giant pillar of black smoke pouring from the blaze might suck for anything with lungs, and amazing how he was able to travel back in time and bury all those plants and animals millions of years ago to create the oil that he must destroy to restore it "as I found it.". But yes, way to go Wyatt. The movie ends with a voiceover from him announcing he's going on strike. Well, ya kinda burned down part of the planet on your way out, so you're no longer on strike; you're fired.
1:29 - WOO! End of Part I! There'll be more? Hoorah!

Well, that was thoroughly unconvincing. Let me just say, for all you radicals out there, if you're going to make an argument as primarily repulsive as "fuck everyone else" is to the average person, then you REALLY have to do a good job making it. Atlas Shrugged doesn't do a good job of anything. Oh well, at least now when Paul Ryan references it I'll have some idea what he's talking about...which is actually terrifying now, considering I kind of want to apologize to Twilight fans.

Rating: *BONG BONG BONG* Three thumbs down.

The Hurry Up: The Office

Oh boy...I was going to do a big break down of what I think has happened to The Office by contrasting season 2's "The Injury" where Dwight gets a concussion with this season's "Tallahassee" where he gets appendicitis, but instead I'll just mention it generally here. It's not the loss of Steve Carrell, even though that seems like the easy conclusion along the lines of "I thought losing Peyton Manning would hurt the Colts, but MAN how good must he be if they're this bad?" It's not even REALLY the fact that the antics have gotten wayyyyy wackier over eight (again, EIGHT!) seasons, because that's a symptom rather than a cause. So what's the cause?

It's the cameras.

I actually went back and watched "The Injury" before realizing "Tallahassee" wasn't available online anymore, and it's incredible how glaringly obvious the issue is when you watch it and compare it to any episode from this season. People think the documentary format was the goundbreaking bit about The Office(UK) but it was what they DID with the format. The documentary format in the original Office and the first few seasons of the American Office made the audience a character, and that was the genius of it. David Brent and Michael Scott often reached their most cringeworthy while trying to impress US, not the other characters. They noticed where the cameras were pointing, who was getting the audience's attention, and they'd start trying anything to get next to that person or get the camera to turn to them instead. A character's reaction to the camera tells you something about them, and what you know about them informs how they're reacting in front of the camera.

Perfect example is "Michael's Birthday," where Michael's big day is overshadowed by Kevin possibly having skin cancer. Michael isn't a bad guy, and he doesn't treat his employees badly because he's a jerk. He treats them badly because he's so obsessed with the camera's (and thus the audience's) attention that he only sees his employees as tools to gain that attention ("cool" Jim, "hot" Pam, "hot" Ryan, and "urban" Stanley all being people Michael thinks the camera will gravitate towards, and thus people he gravitates towards), factors that threaten that attention ("old" Phyllis and Creed, "ugly" Meredith, and "weird" Dwight all being camera-poison, and Toby stifling his energy and creativity), or worst being RIVALS for that attention. Michael shows genuine concern for people in his moments of reality, and were the film crew to have never come to the office I'm sure he'd be totally focused on Kevin and his troubles. Michael's birthday was supposed to be a day he'd be guaranteed the camera's attention, because it's a day everyone has to pay attention to you and you alone. He wears a new suit, and although they never have him say it, it's obviously because he knows he's going to be on camera! His birthday party is at an ice rink, because his greatest talent is skating, and he wants to show it off for the camera. Kevin ruins that by taking away focus when he could get sick any day of the year, but "picks" the the one day of the year that's Michael's birthday. Without the importance of the camera, Michael just looks like a complete asshole, and in recent seasons people have looked like assholes because they still do these childish, attention whore things, but they never seem to care if it's getting them on camera.

Case in point: how does Andy feel about being on camera? That's why Andy is less interesting than Michael, he's a man with no subtext related to the general conceit of the entire show. He's the subject of a documentary, and there has been no explanation or even hint of how he feels about that.

The flip-side is the dramatic moments, which were fascinating because the characters didn't want them on camera. In "The Dundies" when they're leaving Chili's and Pam is drunk she says to Jim "hey, can i ask you a question?" then notices the camera and says "um, I just wanted to say thanks." We, the audience, REALLY wanted to know what that question was, but our being there directly affected what she was going to say and we probably blocked a major step forward in their relationship. The guilt of the audience went a long way to prevent Jim & Pam seeming contrived, because we weren't innocent in the forces keeping them apart. We don't hear Jim confide in anyone about his feelings until he talks to Michael in "Booze Cruise" about how he "used" to have a crush on her. Any other show could have him waxing poetic to a best friend character, safely tucked away from any actual observation, but the genius of The Office was that if we were seeing it then the characters knew everyone was seeing it, and adjusted their behavior accordingly.

What about now? NO ONE NOTICES THE CAMERA. The show isn't faltering because Michael is no longer a character, it's because WE are no longer a character. Two new characters jump to mind immediately as perfect examples of this: Cathy the temp and Val's boyfriend Brandon. Brandon is an easy one so I'll get him over with. He delivers some food, confronts Darryl believing he's sleeping with Val, and NEVER ONCE looks at the camera or seems to care that he's on camera. Really? What non-sociopath ignores the fact that a documentary film crew is watching him do that?

Cathy's problem begins right before they head to Tallahassee when she seems to assume taking three steps away from everyone else will give her total privacy to declare over the phone her intentions to sleep with Jim. Doesn't check where the cameras are, doesn't lower her voice, just blurts it out straight up. Far worse is "After Hours," the same episode as Brandon's insanity, when she puts her plan in motion and goes to Jim's room to "hang out" and desperately and overtly attempts to seduce him...with a full documentary crew in the room that Jim consistently looks towards in shock. Why doesn't Cathy try to get them/us to leave? Wouldn't that vastly improve her chances of Jim doing something unseemly? She was trying to get him to come under the covers with her, but the camera crew is still in there, so what was the endgame? That one thing would lead to another in a moment of weakness for Jim...in front of a full camera crew who would politely leave while shielding their eyes? It's completely idiotic and it's insulting to be told that our presence no longer matters; that this is just a normal sitcom now but with the benefit of having characters talk to the camera.

I'm sure it's frustrating for the writers and actors, who probably feel like they're making solid jokes and being generally funny, but maybe when you're so involved in the production it's impossible to feel how distant the characters have become from the audience. The viewer has been pushed to the outskirts, told to watch while all these wacky characters go have fun over there. That was the separation The Office originally seemed designed to run counter to: we won't have a laugh track to tell you what's funny, we won't pretend you're not there, we'll reward you for paying attention even if it means some people miss the moment. Now it just has the lack of laugh track (probably because it's one of the shows that killed the laugh track, although its zombie roams CBS). I've already covered how the characters regularly forget we're there, but another big moment happened this past Thursday: they specifically showed the clip of Andy punching the wall back in season 3 at the start of the episode in case we'd be too dumb to recognize him punching the wall during his breakdown. Then, just in case you were actively trying not to get the joke, Kevin says, "man, he really hates that wall!" Does anyone else want to explain the reference further? Maybe have Jim draw a diagram while Pam explains in a talking head that Andy once punched a wall and got sent to anger management, and now he punched the same wall? Ohhhh! I get it! He punched the same wall! HAHAHAHAHA! Thank you for bashing me over the head with it, I feel rewarded for my dedication to this show!

My "Hurry Ups" are supposed to be short recaps of the season so far, and that's obviously not what this turned into. I hate to be shoveling dirt onto a show I love so much, especially when it's still full of such talented people, but the things that made it The Office aren't there anymore. I'm sorry The Office, you're not the same show I fell in love with. Let's not make this any harder than it already is...we'll always have season 2, the greatest season of any comedy show ever.

(Oh, don't worry, as with any break-up I'll obviously be stalking...err, watching...for the conceivable future.)

The Hurry Up: 30 Rock

I was about to say the same thing about 30 Rock that I said about Community, that the season's threads haven't really started to come together yet, but are there really threads? Avery is trapped in North Korea, but a captured North Korean spy might know how to get her out. Liz is still with Criss, and they've discussed having a discussion about maybe adopting a baby. Jenna's sexual walkabout is over and she's back with Paul. Kenneth is a janitor now. I really feel like this season could end without any of these things colliding with each other...but you never know.

It's become a little difficult to separate seasons of 30 Rock (can you honestly believe this is the sixth season? SIXTH!) since there aren't the types of storylines or events that can differentiate them, even though Liz's boyfriends should make it doable. This has also made any decline in the show equally difficult to notice until you catch an old repeat on Comedy Central. It's not a horrific shadow of its former self or anything, it's just a joke-a-moment pop culture megaforce that could never have sustained that momentum forever and should be lauded for remaining solid and true to its ideals. Pretty much the best case scenario for what Arrested Development would've turned into after six seasons if we're going to be honest with ourselves.

• Best Episode So Far: "Hey, Baby, What's Wrong" because I'm going to pretend I got this done before last Thursday's live episode (like I meant to)
• Worst Episode So Far: "The Tuxedo Begins" but I should stress it was hard to find an episode I legitimately disliked. They all had something I enjoyed in them (such as "normaling" in this one). Maybe it's just because I saw the Batman Begins references coming early on and expected more from them after Community's homages.
• MVP Candidate: Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy (again)
• Rookie of the Year Candidate: James Marsden as Criss
• Best Moment So Far: Have to go with Dennis telling Criss the ending to the "Lez movie" they were watching on Showtime and having it turn out to be The Kids Are Alright. Couldn't think of a real stand out, but that was such a genius joke (remember, pretending I haven't seen the live show and everything Jon Hamm did on it)

The Hurry Up: Community

Is this the final hurry up for Community? *gulp* If it is then I can just take solace in the fact that it lasted three times as long as Undeclared and has equaled Arrested Development (which has since risen from the dead). Plus, Dan Harmon's experience with Channel 101 "the unavoidable future of entertainment" offers some interesting ways for the show to continue on if NBC decides to kill it in order to get...what, exactly? To replace it.

Anyway, let's just pretend we're really heading for #SixSeasonsAndAMovie and talk about the season so far. It's an odd hurry-up because things are usually winding down right around now, but due to the hiatus everything is still in motion at Community. Troy is still under pressure to embrace his destiny as an air conditioner repairman. Abed is being forced to become a real person instead of just an outlandish TV character. Annie has recently admitted that her infatuation with Jeff has nothing to do with having found "the one," and may have helped Britta turn towards an actual healthy relationship with Troy.

Also, it can't be coincidence that the evil study group from the worst timeline has been introduced, with their felt goatees standing in place for the goatees they're growing to show their evilness, and Vice Dean Laybourne just HAPPENED to show up with a goatee and inexplicable ponytail halfway through the season. There's a real Lost feel to the things that happen with the air conditioner repair school, with Laybourne as the man-in-black and Jerry the Janitor as Jacob. Right down to the room where the temperature is used to define room temperature almost being the light at the center of the island. But...maybe I just still miss Lost.

• Best Episode So Far: Origins of Vampire Mythology (Could've easily gone with Remedial Chaos Theory, but this one was fantastic without any gimmicks and I spent the whole week afterward watching it)
• Worst Episode So Far: Competitive Ecology
• MVP Candidate: Jim Rash as Dean Pelton. Literally every single moment of the Dean has been funny this year, and he was excellent as the Dean's many phases of ego in Documentary Filmmaking: Redux.
• Rookie of the Year: Travis Schuldt as Subway. As much for concept as execution (plus it doesn't hurt that I'm glad he got something to do after Scrubs)
• Favorite Scene So Far: Three moments have made me laugh the hardest: Seacrest Hulk, Kiss From a Rose, and the worst timeline in Chaos Theory. Best emotional scene goes to the ending of Vampire Mythology.

Tivo Roster Scouting Report: Is friendship magic?

You know that part in an alien invasion movie where a soldier will kill a giant monster in a really cool way and quip, "I love this job!" I can only imagine sociologists had the same reaction the first time a colleague mentioned the concept of a "Brony." A Brony, for those who don't know, is an adult male fan of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, but I'll let Wikipedia explain further:

Two informal surveys of about 2,300 and 9,000 participants, respectively, revealed that the average age for the older fans was around 21, that approximately 86% were male, and that 63% were currently pursuing a college degree or higher.

In the past I have tried, and failed, to understand Twilight fans but in fairness it was never going to be my world. This time though? I'm WELL over 86% male and I have two college degrees! So at the risk of being judged by an inanimate object I told TiVo to grab the next episode of Friendship is Magic so I can see if I can see what the fuss is about and take a step towards understanding such a seemingly bizarre social group.

In the words of Dean Pelton, "I hope this doesn't awaken something in me..."

Play...

0:01 - Okay, first hurdle of understanding has been cleared...oh, and coincidentally the first scene is a pony jumping over hurdles. Anyway, as someone who grew up in the 80s and early 90s (aka the 1980s of the 1990s) my familiarity with My Little Pony is from the theme song which would play during the commercials and be relentlessly mocked on playgrounds around the English-speaking world ("my little pony, skinny and boney" etc). This show starts out with the same Disney princess soundtrack for a few seconds before going "hey, can you hand me the pop-punk shaker? Thanks *sprinkle sprinkle*" If you know the chorus to "Sk8er Boi" then you can't really be embarrassed by this theme song. That was one of my very first thoughts, "how are these guys able to sit through that theme song?" Now I know, not as hard as you'd think. Only thing is I was hoping the intro would answer whether this show has a villain or not, but I'm still unclear on that so far.

0:01 - Oh and we have our first ad break. Completely forgot how many ads kids' shows have. Excuse me, shows DESIGNED for younger audiences.

0:07 - This already has more depth and complexity than I was expecting. Ponyville's resident athlete, Applejack, is on her way to the big rodeo and is under pressure from her family to perform her absolute best, from the town leadership to win lots of money (she's already pledged her winnings to fix the town hall) and from her friends to have fun and make the most of the experience. Did not expect to get to use my Sport Studies degree to see parallels with the pressures faced by high-level athletes in a show about magical horses.

0:09 - Now she's sent word back that she won't be returning but will send the money soon. Her friends have decided to head out to find her and see what the problem is. Yes, I can see exactly where this is going, but I also once predicted at the beginning of a Disney Channel show I'd never seen that two characters would surprisingly kiss at the end of the episode, to the surprise of my friend who watched the show regularly. So I won't get confused about the appeal YET, because it might just be that I have magic powers in regards to plot predictions. My Mom certainly does, so it could be inherited.
0:09 - Oh, and another commercial break! There's an ad for "slushy magic" that's already giving me an ice-cream headache just looking at it.

0:16 - Yikes, I think I might have been wrong. Naturally I assumed Applejack did poorly and was afraid of letting everyone down, but instead she kicked ass and took a job at a cherry orchard. Her friends are sticking around to find out what she's not telling them though, so *fingers crossed* I could still be partially right! On another subject, I wonder if the writers come up with suitably whimsical things on an episode-by-episode basis or if they have a big list of jobs and locations that are properly whimsical for the characters to be engaged in.

0:19 - While the other ponies use their hooves like hands and pick stuff up to manipulate it, one of them can levitate stuff and just does that all the time with everything. Makes her seem really conceited. Yes, if I could levitate things I'd do it all the time too, and yes I just got really catty about a magical animated pony. Whatever *Z snap*

0:24 - After refusing to answer any questions about why she won't go back to Ponyville, Applejack is now escaping in a horse drawn wagon after attempting to ditch her friends again. I was going to mention how weird it was that the ponies would be using other horses for transport but then I realized I was essentially describing a rickshaw soooo carry on, I guess.

0:28 - YES! I was RIGHT! Take THAT, uh, easy to follow storytelling? Applejack won a ton of ribbons but didn't come in first in anything so she was worried she'd let everyone down and took the job to try and make up for the prize money she didn't win. Of course her friends are proud of her and super impressed with all the ribbons she won and assure her that "we can always find a way to fix that hole in the roof, but if you don't come back we'll never be able to fix the hole in our hearts." Aww.

I get it! Well, I get why kids would like it. It has a younger-skewing Powerpuff Girls vibe to it, it's fast paced, and has vibrant yet archetypal characters. If I had a niece who wanted to watch a marathon of it I wouldn't be bashing my head against the wall about sitting there watching it. Would I search it out though? Would I buy the show's merchandise and adjust my outward persona to indicate outwardly that I watch the show regularly? No.

So why are guys my age watching it that way? I'm a researcher so I'm not going to do the Fox News thing and go "some might say..." and pretend it's a deep psychological profile that fits every guy who has ever watched an episode of a kids' show. What I WILL do is contrast the moral of this story with what would have happened in the boys' shows I watched.

I kinda knew what was going to happen because I could recognize the storyline of the big event coming up, with all the pressure to succeed, and what happens when you then fall short. In my experience it could be because you're Billy the Blue Ranger and have a big test coming up, so Rita sends down a monster called, I don't know, Exam-antis the praying mantis who asks multiple choice questions. OR the actual Power Rangers episode where Billy gets a B on a test so Rita sends a Bee-themed monster to attack him and destroy his psyche (look it up). The main character has all this pressure and expectation to succeed, they fall short, and they succumb to their worry that the people they care about will be disappointed or upset. Classic storyline.

The difference comes in the angle shown of that storyline. While Power Rangers would focus on the character undergoing the hardship, and place their friends at arm's length and absent from the narrative, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic focuses squarely on Applejack's friends and their reaction to her disappearance. Power Rangers would show visions from Billy's imagination, of his friends laughing at him or being ashamed of him, possibly with wavy lines or soft focus to indicate this was happening in his head. At the end he'd reveal to his friends that's what he thought their reaction would be, and they'd tell him how silly he was to think that and tell him how worried they were when he became distant. Friendship is Magic SHOWS how worried Applejack's friends are, and causes the audience to want to discover "what made her upset?" rather than share the character's fear of "will everyone be mad at me?" It's a subtle difference, but an important distinction. "Boys'" shows that I can remember feature characters suffering through the loneliness and doubt that we have all experienced and has the friendship stuff occur off-screen. When Applejack reveals her shame over not coming in first we all immediately understand because we've all been there, we don't need to see what Power Rangers will show us. Instead, Friendship is Magic shows us the friendship stuff, the part that's usually "off-screen" in real life when you feel alone, the part you don't get to see or notice when it's most important to.

The other important difference is the ending. If a kid on Power Rangers came in second in a karate competition the Rangers would tell them that's perfectly okay, just work harder and you'll come in first next time. When Applejack's friends see all the ribbons she won they're proud without any reservations. In their minds she kicked ass, and deserves praise for it. Is this what guys are getting from My Little Pony that they never got anywhere else? The idea that you can be proud of your accomplishments without having to now be responsible for immediately rededicating yourself to improving upon them in an ever-escalating cycle that never results in satisfaction or a feeling of achievement? I mean, obviously that's not going to be the moral of every episode, but if the overarching message of the show is "it's okay to be happy and to make other people happy and leave it at that" then I actually can see what draws Bronies to it.

The gender identification aspect of Friendship is Magic's male following seems to be the main mystery about it, more than anything age-related. The thing is that isolation and self-doubt are universal problems for everyone but assholes, and assholes exist in all genders, as do non-assholes. Being an asshole, at its base, has nothing to do with gender, or sexuality, or socio-economic status, or nationality, or ethnicity. It has everything to do with a desire for emotional isolation and ignorance, an incapability for empathy, and an unwavering focus on personal material success. I've noticed that when people describe pressure to act "masculine" the behaviors have more to do with being an asshole than anything required of simply being male. The idea that you need to be ruthless to succeed in business has always seemed to me to be more about the business world being ruled by assholes than being ruled by men. Looking at Bronies I don't see a group of guys wanting to act feminine, I see guys enticed by the idea that they don't have to be assholes. Taking the gender aspect out of it, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic reminds me of Chuck, the NBC show about a regular 'nerd' pressed into service as a spy for the CIA. I say 'nerd' because Chuck himself was tall, thin, smart, and handsome and the nerd moniker was more about his resistance to be ruthless than his proclivity for video games. He wanted to be open with his feelings, be with his friends and family, and make sure people were taken care of; everything the ponies of My Little Pony seem to represent. He wasn't in Ponyville though, he was in the CIA where even the women are men, and much if not all of the show's dramatic aspects developed out of that conflict. Chuck fandom doesn't get attention though, because it has guns and beautiful women and explosions and a male main character, but the morals seem to be the same albeit hidden under the codeword of 'nerd' rather than laid bare in magic rainbow-colored girlish delight.

So no, watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic didn't make me a Brony, but it didn't make me wonder what this world is coming to like Twilight did (and still does). Taken at face-value it's the same "sensitive guy" phenomenon that's been around for far longer than I have, and might just be a hyper-reaction to a Gears of War masculine "ideal" that only seems to be becoming more sociopathic. Either way, it's healthier and more enjoyable than watching the waning episodes of Entourage.

Rating: *ding* thumb up.

Twilight: Eclipse

Why am I watching a Twilight movie? Because I've seen the first two, and I will warn you right now that once you start down that rabbit hole there is no turning back. I watched Twilight once when it was On-Demand, aka through my cable box (sorry Tivo), because I wanted...nay...NEEDED to see what had led to such a cultural phenomenon that Hot Topic might just pass Wal-Mart. What followed was one of the worst acting, writing, and directing performances I've ever seen.

It was the Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen of romance, and I say that not just because that's another terrible movie, but because both are enlighteningly terrible. Transformers 2 gives you a Being John Malkovich-style journey into the mind of a Maxim magazine subscriber, an avvid Spike TV viewer, the person who questions your sexuality on X-Box Live, a 13 year old male. You can get the same thing at 3am any week night on Comedy Central as they show an edited version of National Lampoon's Generic College Gross-Out Sex Comedy #12. Twilight is one of the few non-horse-based movies that lays bare the equivalent embarrassing generic fantasy for women. From the trailer it looks like Monte Carlo is gunning for the title a bit, but "shopping porn" movies like that still get dirty looks from women who wish to be complicated. Twilight throws off the shackles of materialism, and tries SO hard to make Bella, the main character, some angsty, strong, substantial ideal for the true woman. It fails. It fails SPECTACULARLY. So follow me down the rabbit hole to watch characters, plots, and dialogue smash together and disintegrate in a brilliant explosion that reveals so much about the imaginations and fantasies that formed them. Truly, the Twilight Saga is the Large Hadron Collider of juveline female fantasy.

Play...

0:01 - Okay, someone is dead in the rain. I hope that wasn't too important because I started recording late and missed it. If I've learned anything from this movies it's that it wasn't that important. Also, when the super dramatic eclipse themed main title came up I couldn't decide whether to do the Heroes noise in my head, or try to imagine a crowd of 40-something women whooping excitedly. It seemed designed for whooping so I went with that.

0:02 - Bella and Edward (the vampire guy, in case you're lucky enough not to know) are sitting in a field of flowers as she reads poetry in preparation for her English final. He repeatedly kisses her and strokes her hair, because he obviously has nothing of importance to be doing, unlike her. She says she has to focus on studying...which is why students always flee the library during the finals week to buckle down in fields of flowers.
0:03 - Edward wants to get married, Bella thinks it's just a "piece of paper" and wants to be turned into a vampire instead. Feminist ROARRRR #1: Marriage is for wusses, not for me, I'm strong.
0:04 - Kristen Stewart bit her lip 5 times during that three minute scene. Oh you better believe I'm keeping a running count. Also she has to go home so she leaves Edward in the field. Um, is he just going to stay there? Why couldn't he walk her home? He had NOTHING else to do but kiss her and stroke her hair, why does he stay in the field?!

0:04 - *SMACK!* That was exposition slapping you right across the face. It happens a lot in these movies. Like right now when it cuts to Bella's sheriff Dad holding a newspaper with the giant headline "MURDERS, DISAPPEARANCES. POSSIBLE WORK OF A SERIAL KILLER. Yet another victim found in a Georgetown Alley."
0:05 - "You know why I'm grounding you right?"
"I know, I put you through hell"
"Yes you did. But I have other reasons...for grounding you."
The dialogue in these movies is mostly made up of topic sentences.
0:05 - For the record, Bella's Dad is a great character because he's always drinking, and I'm not 100% sure he's scripted to always be drinking because the guy playing him always seems to be drunk. I like to think he just kept bringing beer to the set and the director figured it wasn't important to argue with him about it. By the way, Bella has almost died a couple of times, and disappeared to Italy in the last movie after going into hiding. Not sure which of those was the "put you through hell" reference, but she only got grounded for it.

0:06 - Feminist ROARRRR #2: Bella drives a beat-up old truck instead of a Toyota Yaris, or Mini Cooper, or VW Beetle Convertable. I drive a guys car, what up NOW society?! I'm strong!

0:08 - The first thing that drew me to how oddly terrible these movies are is how interesting Bella's friends at school are. They're the best actors in the whole series, their scenes are always enjoyable, and they actually seem like they're in high school. Edward and the vampires all look like teachers, but no one seems to notice. Also, you're supposed to think Bella's high school friends are super lame, even though they're interesting and nothing but nice to her. I'm guessing this is so the edgy outsiders who shop at Hot Topic don't have to feel included, even when popular people are being nice and engaging with them.
0:09 - Edward's "sister" Alice can have visions of the future, because these movies add "every plot device ever used" to the traditional list of vampire powers. Oh, and they drive Volvos, that's another super power.

0:10 - Edward: Oh...Bella? My parents wanted to remind you about the airline tickets you got for your birthday.
Drunk Dad: What airline ticket?
Bella: Ah...a roundtrip ticket to see Mom in Florida.
Drunk Dad: Well...that was generous.
Edward: They expire soon, so you might want to use it this weekend.
*SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK!

0:12 - "The way he watches you...it's like he's willing to leap in front of you and take a bullet or something." Oh my God, just when I think we reached the depths of dialogue, we find a trench. Her Mom said this by the way, while Edward is creepily staring at her sunbathe through a window. Because that's ALWAYS what parents think when creepy dudes leer at their daughter, that he's so brave and devoted. Feminist ROARRRRR #3: Dad, who is around him all the time and is a dude himself, doesn't get Edward. Mom, who lives 4000 miles away, automatically understands the entire relationship. Because women are emotionally smart at a level bordering on omnicense, because they're so strong!
0:12 - "we're just..." "In love. I get it!" *SMACK!* That one was from character development, to show that Mom gets it. In case her correctly describing their relationship didn't already let you know that.

0:15 - Holy shit, the vampires were all just randomly standing in the woods like an Abercrombie/LL Bean crossover, when Bryce Dallas Howard came sprinting by. Was the Lady in the Water set nearby or something?

0:17 - Edward: If I asked you to stay in the car, would you? (gets out) (Bella gets out too) Of course not. Feminist ROARRRRR #4: I do what I want BITCH cause I'm strong!

0:19 - And the first appearance of Jason the Red Ranger! I mean Jacob, who is a wolf, and apparently a 9 year old who made a wish like Tom Hanks in BIG and turned into Taylor Lautner overnight. Or maybe his voice and acting ability just make it seem like that. Bella just got on a dirtbike with him and rode off, even though it's been established that this is the first they've spoken in weeks, and Bryce Dallas Howard is some sort of super vampire here to kill her. Uh oh, I think someone's going to get grounded for almost being murdered again!

0:19 - For the record, the fact that the werewolves are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS shirtless and in jeans never fails to make me laugh. Roll your eyes at men making movies featuring women in bikinis all you want ladies, we'll always have shirtless werewolves in jeans.
0:21 - "Wolf telepathy, remember?" ...no? Holy shit, did they give everyone in these movies telepathy so they wouldn't have to write conversations for them and everyone could just say out loud what they others are feeling so no one has to act? Stephanie Meyer is an idiotic genius!
0:22 - "Imprinting is like...when you see her...everything changes. It's not gravity holding you to the planet anymore. It's her." Now do you believe me about the Transformers 2 of romance? Think about that line for five seconds. Life makes a little less sense now, doesn't it?
0:24 - Going to apologize to Taylor Lautner, he has improved by leaps and bounds since the first two movies. Get this guy a sidekick role in an action movie, STAT!

0:25 - Things were supposd to be tense and dramatic because there was some new vampire going through Bella's room and walking around the house. The soundtrack was even tense strings! I'm struggling to figure out the difference between what that vampire was doing and what Edward is always doing

0:26 - Vampire Dad: Someone's orchestrating this
Bella: Victoria?
Alice: I would've seen her decide.
Edward: It has to be the Volturi
Alice: I don't think it's the Volturi either. I've been watching Aro's decisions too.
PLOT DEVICE POWERS ACTIVATE *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK!

0:27 - Edward and Jacob are arguing about Jacob protecting Bella from her non-Edwardian stalker when Bella yells "Stop! I'm tired of this. From now on I'm SWITZERLAND okay?!" Feminist ROARRRRR #5: I'm a country now, I'm strong. That's what she meant, right?
0:29 - Jacob: So, what did you want to do today? Bike? Hike? Hang? Your call. But we're going to a party tonight. *BOOM! IT'S IMMEDIATELY NIGHTTIME* That cut wasn't distracting at all.
0:30 - The party is a tribal meeting where they're going to talk about their secret tribal histories, Jacob explains that Bella is the first outsider EVER to hear them. So in case you're keeping score, she is so vital, special, and important that the werewolves and vampires form an alliance to protect her when they spend the rest of their time killing each other, and now she's the first outsider EVER to hear these sacred tribal histories. Did I already mention that all her friends are more successful and interesting than her?
0:32 - Feminist ROARRRR #6: The Native American tribe was saved from vampires by the chief's second wife. Even though she couldn't turn into a wolf and her only magic power was estrogen. She was pretty strong, or something.

0:35 - Vampire Dad: I'm surprised the Volturi let it go on this long.
Edward: Maybe they're behind it. In Italy, I read Aro's mind. He wants me and Alice to join him, but he knows we'll never choose him as long as our family's alive. *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK! Seriously, I think they're just starting to read the plot synopsis in the first person.

0:40 - Feminist ROARRRRR #7: Jacob kisses Bella, she punches him in the face. Why? Because slapping is for pussies! Also she broke her hand doing it, because apparently dogs are made of stone now? I'm confused, but in fairness I've never punched my dog in the face...
0:42 - One of the vampire ladies has a problem with Bella, so they talk it out head-on. Because if there's one thing teen girls are famous for, it's confronting relationship problems head-on.
0:45 - I'm really curious how long it took Stephanie Meyer to come up with "the vampire woman with a chip on her shoulder about Bella was turned after her fiance and his friends left her to die in the street after raping her" or if she just took it from the "horrible things no one would ever wish on anyone" handbook. It does kind of put Bella's "OMG I think Edward's totally cute so I want 2 b a vampire 2!" problems in perspective, but I don't really expect that they'll run with that. I will say that having a rapist be mauled to death by a vampire is something I will never argue with. Well done Twilight, you finally got me!
0:47 - "There's nothing I'm ever going to want more than Edward." Umm, when I was 18 I wanted to go to Quinnipiac instead of UNH. Now you couldn't pay me enough money to do that.

0:48 - Just a heads up, the ultimate threat in these movies is Dakota Fanning and a guy with a Justin Bieber haircut.

0:50 - Anna Kendrick just gave a one minute graduation speech that may or may not have been from a different movie. Kristen Stewart bit her lip 3 times in that minute, but that only brings her up to 11 so far.
0:51 - The wolves just showed up to a graduation party at the vampires' house and they're all wearing shirts. Now nothing funny is happening. Weak!

0:53 - Apparently the non-Edwardian stalker has formed a crazy vampire army to kill Bella. The vampires and the wolves are fretting over how to protect her. One group is immortal, the other is a highly secretive Native American tribe at war with them, and she's purposefully designed to be unremarkable. Realistically, the best she could hope for is being tied to a tree on the outskirts of town while everyone goes back to their normal business. Obviously that's not the plan they go with.

0:54 - Edward just showed up in a Jeep. Volvo owns Jeep? Now I'm confused again.

0:57 - One of the vampires gives a *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK! about now newly turned vampires are so much stronger than long-time ones like them. So how do they train for this deadly threat? Umm, by fighting each other. Because obviously fighting someone slower and weaker than your opponent will better prepare you to fight them. Also, the wolves showed up for the training but didn't train at all. I'm guessing this had more to do with the effects budget than any kind of strategy.

1:01 - Jasper, the vampire who just attacked us with exposition, was an officer in the confederate army before he was turned. Two VERY important things about the origin story he tells. #1 he is sure to mention that he made major without having seen a battle, which doesn't make much sense since he's like 12, and he gets turned right after helping evacuate some women and children. Takeaways? He didn't kill anyone and helped two groups that women tend to like men helping. Are you starting to see how these movies work?

1:06 - Their genius hiding spot from the vampire army? A campsite. Literally the most secure location in cinema history. Oh, wait, no, people typically get eaten by bears or chopped up by machetes at campsites.
1:08 - Also, the plan involves Jacob carrying Bella to the campsite without his shirt on. This doesn't seem strange to anyone.
1:09 - Wait, now Bella is at home. Why was Jacob carrying her? I understood Inception, how am I so lost now? Oh right, because there isn't a plot in this one.

1:11 - "Dad! I'm a virgin!" Feminist ROARRRRR #8: Take that stereotypes! You buncha pussies! STRONG!!!

1:12 - Bella arrives at Edward's house and he opens the door and says "what are you doing outside? What's wrong?" How else was she supposed to get from her house to your house? We've officially reached the point where they're just doing dialogue mad libs.
1:14 - Bella is now trying to get Edward to have sex with her. Feminist ROARRRRRR #9: Fuck being a virgin! I feel differently than I did ten minutes ago! ROARRRRR!!! WOAH! Wait, she just said she'd marry him if he makes an honest attempt at having sex with her...I think that's going to have to go down as a Feminist ROA-wait, what the fuck did she just say? #1.
1:16 - Edward stops almost immediately: "Believe me, I want to...I just want to be married to you first." I think he just wants to avoid mentioning that since he no longer has blood circulation that...well...you know. Also, I wonder how many closeted Republicans' first wives were suckered in with that line.
1:17 - Edward is now waxing poetic about how he would've courted her back in the day. Because life was just like a Jane Austen novel until about 15 years ago. BOOM! They just got engaged while I was typing that. Good thing thing they had that discussion about the pointlessness of marriage, like, a week ago.
1:22 - Jacob is shirtlessly carrying her again...for real this time, I think.
1:24 - Jacob has decided to stay at the campsite and not fight with the others. Soooo to review: a group of immortal vampires and their secretive, clan based enemies, have joined forces to protect this random girl that a wolf and a vampire have a crush on...except neither of those dudes are going to fight. I will give this movie three thumbs up on my Tivo RIGHT NOW if all the other characters just leave and these morons get mauled in their little Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt 1 tent.
1:25 - There's a storm, Bella is fully clothed and freezing, somehow shirtless Jacob (who has been outside the tent the entire time) is going to shirtlessly warm her up, much to the chagrin of Edward. Wouldn't it make more sense for him to turn into a wolf, because his fur will be warme...why am I still trying to use logic? Oh well, at least it lets me know I'm still sane.

1:27 - Jacob and Edward are having an argument while Bella sleeps and Jacob barely spoons her (which is apparently keeping her comfortably warm). Jacob is claiming she loves him too, Edward is being angsty, and I'm realizing how much I wish he was being played by Gary Oldman from Bram Stoker's Dracula right now.
1:30 - Edward and Jacob finish up on good terms, with Edward saying he'd let Bella go if she chose Jacob. Because she holds all the cards, and the world and everyone in it shall bend to her decision. How is this less insulting than "guy movies" having strippers in them? At least the strippers are getting paid.

1:30 - There's snow everywhere at the campsite. Didn't they just graduate high school, making this June? Where the hell are they?
1:31 - Jacob just found out Bella and Edward are getting married and he's not happy about it.
Bella: Well what can I do? Jacob: You can't do anything. I can! By going out there and killing something! Bella: No! You're not thinking clearly! Don't do that! *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK!
1:34 - Bella just kissed the shit out of Jacob for ten minutes, then was surprised when her psychic vampire fiance noticed.

1:36 - The big vampire army battle has started and the super strong newbie vampires have yet to do anything but get knocked completely off their feet by he older, weaker vampires.
1:37 - There are repeated shots of good vampires pulling bad vampires off of wolves, then sharing knowing glances of appreciation with said wolves, because *SMACK!* CULTURAL RIVALRIES BEING MENDED! Also, the good vampires weren't supposed to stand a chance without the wolves, but they keep having to save the wolves, so I'm starting to think they guilted the wolves into coming just to make a big show of saving them every other second. What a bunch of assholes.
1:39 - Edward explains to the evil vampire how he's been manipulated the whole time, and Bryce Dallas Howard doesn't really love him, causing evil vampire to hesitate. Really thought guys were finally going to have their own super power in this series, the power of bros before hoes, but alas evil vampire attacks anyway and gets lit up by a werewolf.
1:40 - The vampires use a strange amount of choke holds and sleeper holds on each other considering both are used to impair respiration and circulation, neither of which are peformed by...you guessed it...vampires.

1:43 - Bryce Dallas Howard is dead, everyone survives. Yeah, that's right, EVERYONE survives the deadly attack that was so dangerous. Even the kid who got introduced in the "I'm getting introduced just to get killed later" role. Jacob does get the bones on one half of his body shattered, but obviously the other shirtless werewolves are able to pick him up and carry him to safety before the Volturi show up. The editing for that scene looks like this.
(Jacob carried away)
(close up on Alice) Alice: They're coming!
(The Volturi walk up to them)
I'm not exaggerating.

1:47 - Very dramatic scene where Vampire Dad and the Native American chief shake hands, solidifying their bromance, then Bella is informed that Jacob (who Vampire Dad mentions will be fine, even though he's recovering in a cabin from having the bones on one half of his body shattered) is asking for her. Although it's kind of affected by the fact that all the werewolves are standing around, looking like they're about to head off for a swim.

1:51 - Bella sets a date for her wedding, in August, a month before her birthday. So why did she get airline tickets for her birthday back before graduation? Who gives someone a birthday present 3 months early? Vampires! That's who! Still very confused about how they had a snowstorm in July. Confused about a lot of things, much like these characters, so maybe I am connecting with them after all.

1:53 - "This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob, it was between who I should be and who I am. I've always felt out of step. Like, literally stumbling through my life. I've never felt normal...because I'm not normal, I don't wanna be." That's the sound of Hot Topic's board of directors getting a collective boner.

Wait, did that movie have a plot?

Status: Three Thumbs Down *bong, bong, bong*