Scouting Report: Atlas Shrugged

It's election season! Because the last two years that election related things have been happening apparently don't count. It's possible that our new vice-president will be a devoted follower of Ayn Rand and her seminal work Atlas Shrugged. I'll admit I'm curious about what that would mean, so I should probably read that book. Let's face it though, much like a high-school student it's going to be much better to just watch the movie. So, can Atlas Shrugged change a filthy Socialist Obama-supporter toward the light of unfettered capitalism? Let's find out.

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0:00 - Maybe the earliest comment I've ever made, but when your production company's logo is of Atlas holding up the world, and your movie is called Atlas Shrugged based on the novel called Atlas Shrugged, the cover of which typically includes a picture of Atlas holding up the world? You mighttttt not be a very successful production company.

0:01 - Anytime the first minute of a movie includes the phrase "the pirate Ragnar" and has someone holding a newspaper with a headline to that effect I need to stop. So let's set up the world of this science fiction story, because I didn't realize before that it's a science fiction story. So it's set in the future and oil has become prohibitively expensive for a multitude of reasons and now rail travel is basically the only thing people can still afford. The government is passing laws prohibiting profitable companies from firing people and restricting the ability of companies to increase prices. Also, all the infrastructure is collapsing for reasons so far uncovered other than footage of various infrastructure collapsing.

0:04 - "Who's asking?" "Someone who knows what it's like to work for himself, and not let other feed off the profits of his energy." Something tells me the EXPOSITION ATTACKs from my Twilight review are about to seem a lot tamer. By the way, we are now informed that Midas Mulligan, the guy who asks "who's asking" is now missing after taking to the mysterious stranger. He's also a bank CEO, which might be the most amazingly ironic choice for who to provide as an example of someone who only profits off their own energy since it's a job that, by definition, makes profit off the profit of others. It's kinda why that job exists. But anyway! He's gone now. But the music makes it seem like he went someone nice.

0:06 - Everyone now relies on trains because gas is $37, but the train station is no busier than normal. Just saying.

0:07 - The guy running the biggest railroad in the country just threatened his assistant that "everyone's expendable" after the assistant questioned his job performance. No they aren't, government made that illegal in the prologue. Six minutes ago. Just saying.

0:09 - We now meet our heroine, the sister of the evil railroad guy who is now telling him what the company is going to do. Mainly, they're going to get their steel from a guy named Rearden. Experts are skeptical of his steel, but she's confident in it because it's lighter, cheaper, and tougher than anything else out there and she studied engineering in college. Assuming she studied the accepted concepts of metallurgy then it's strange that the experts dislike something that's lighter, cheaper, and tougher. It's almost like they're purposefully moronic.

0:10 - "RAGNAR THE PIRATE STRIKES AGAIN!" CANNOT tell you how excited I am to see where the hell that newspaper headline-related storyline is going.
0:10 - We are introduced to Hank Rearden, who is loving watching over the massive assembly line for his metal, located in his MASSIVE factory. Literally a minute ago it was revealed in evil railroad guy and his sister's conversation that no one, I repeat NO ONE, has ever used Rearden Metal but she'll be the first. Which begs the question why he needs this level of production, or how he managed to finance it in the first place. Keep in mind the world economy is collapsing, so it's not like he's Pets.com and can just print money based on a wild idea.
0:10 - His secretary informed him of messages from a council on metals, a science board, and the labor union for the product he produces. He instructs her to "file" each, which means throw it in the trash, which she does gleefully. So I'm going to assume she's not part of a union, or she just doesn't give a shit because she can't be fired...no, wait, they've never sold a product. So his company surely isn't profitable. So he can fire whoever he wants! Watch out secretary! Oh, wait, no. She probably just did it gleefully to indicate that his actions are the preferred actions for a character in this story. Carry on everyone.

0:13 - Rail sister Taggert (her first name hasn't been mentioned yet) and Rearden discuss the specifics of their business deal alone in his barely lit office. Because apparently legal teams run on oil and have since died off. To be fair I'm starting to think he's someone who makes steel and now has a new form of metal, which he has created himself because research & development departments run on oil and have died off.

0:16 - I can't even wrap my mind around this scene. Hank gets home, where his wife, her mother, and two of her friends are waiting and all call him Henry. They tell him he works too hard, he gives her a gift of a bracelet made from the first pour of his new wonder metal, she scoffs at it and everyone calls him selfish and talks about how he should've given her diamonds. This is his wife. These two people dated, got engaged, and had a wedding. One of her friends immediately walks after Hank and asks him for money for "Global Awareness" about 15 seconds after scolding him for being selfish. Hank tells him to call first thing in the morning and he'll authorize $100,000, and the shithead immediately starts insulting him again about how he doesn't care about the underprivileged, which Hank admits with pride.

0:18 - Another of his wife's friends makes vague political threats at Hank while he's eating dinner and Hank asks "what's wrong with the world today?" before scarfing down a huge bite of steak. Is he seriously not the bad guy in this movie? Is everyone the bad guy? It's like someone telling the story of GI Joe from Cobra's perspective.
0:18 - The question "who is John Galt" pops up again, Hank ponders it furiously while continuing to cannonball steak and wine during a gobal depression after returning from his company that apparently hasn't been selling any of the sole product it seems to be manufacturing.

0:21 - Some old guys from the government sit around a table and have a "we are giant cocks" discussion about throwing Hank under the bus and trying to destroy his metal.

0:23 - Dagny (train sister) finishes video conferencing with someone (by the way, she went to Philly to talk to Hank Rearden, in a world with dwindling fuel, when video conferencing still exists. But is still apparently excellent at business and determining where best to invest resources). Evil train guy scolds her for pulling all their investments out of Mexico. He wanted to help the people there improve the area, she didn't see a reason to. He makes an angry statement about not helping people who need their help. She sits lockjawed and heroic. So both of our heroes are on the "people who need help can get fucked" train. And remember, trains are popular due to the lack of oil.

0:23 - A guy named Owen walks in to Dagny's office (still a little confused how she took it over from evil train guy. Are CEOs like hermit crabs and she just claimed his shell while he was at evil government bastards meeting in the previous scene?) and tenders his resignation. She basically seems like shes appalled, and tremendously frustrated that nothing she can offer will get him to stay. Finally, she asks what made him leave, he responds, smiling "who is John Galt?" We don't get to see her OBVIOUS follow-up questions, because apparently conversations can end like that.

0:25 - Hank fucks his wife's brains out...well, his brains out using his wife, because she asks "all done then?" when he finishes. He goes to his office to do some work and gets a phone call from Dagny about the whole John Galt thing.

0:29 - Mexico nationalized Taggart's trains, evil train guy took credit for Dagny's plan to screw the Mexicans in order to save face with the executive board. Once again, WHAT IS THE STRUCTURE OF THIS COMPANY?!?!

0:32 - Evil train guy came up with an idea for a rule creating train monopolies in the morning. By what seems like the afternoon it's the law of the land and an entire railway has already closed and a businessman effected by it has arrived at Taggart's offices to complain. Might I remind you that everything is by rail travel, the rail industry is apparently undergoing an unprecedented restructuring that afternoon, but some how a guy made it from Colorado to not Colorado in time to surprise Dagny in her office. Also, he went to the office to see if "anyone in this family has a brain" meaning he didn't know anything about her really. So he went through a transportation shit storm, in a world where transportation is exceptionally difficult already, in an afternoon to go see someone he assumed was an idiot who couldn't help him. Once again, it's been established that he is an excellent businessman and video conferencing still exists.

0:41 - REARDEN AND HIS WIFE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! District 9 is officially more believable than this movie. No, I don't mean as a movie that could happen, I mean as a movie that would happen.
0:43 - Rearden explains to a party guest that he supports his wife and her friends because they're a bunch of miserable children. He does realize you're supposed to marry people you like, right? Maybe he'd be more open to charity if he met some cool underprivileged people, and not the huge assholes he's been bankrolling into basically doing a Marie Antoinette impression.

0:49 - I'm pretty sure everyone from the government is being played by Dobby the Elf from Harry Potter.

0:52 - Dagny goes to the "State Science Institute" which is represented by a building that I'm 80% certain is actually a church. I'll just say it right now, whoever made this movie has never been to an institute or science-y place in their life because they don't look like Hogwarts. Good news: one of the scientists dropped a Ragnar the Pirate reference! Apparently he's like Robin Hood. Can I watch his biopic instead?

0:54 - Taggart's offices are in New York. So that guy got from Colorado to New York in an afternoon on a train during a nationwide reshuffling of rail lines. Didn't know his was a superhero movie.
0:55 - Also, I should mention the characters mostly travel by limo. Because if you live in a world where gas is over $37 a gallon you should travel in the biggest car possible. It's just good business.

0:58 - "I have never hurt a living creature in my entire life, but if you double cross me, I will destroy you." Well, you DID just divert aid to a bunch of Mexicans about a half hour ago. Some of them might still be alive.

1:00 - Dagny just offered sex to a Mexican billionaire for funding for her own rail line. He was her first option. Classy lady.

1:01 - Dagny and Hank Rearden have a discussion earlier in the movie about an engine parts manufacturer who went bust in Wisconsin. He now shows her pictures from the company of what appears to be an engine, this is their discussion as they look at pictures of a guy in a lab coat pointing a pen at what looks like an engine: "It's a new engine, not like any I've ever seen. Never went into production, I'm not even sure the thing works." "Well it's worth a look." This is a long bankrupt engine manufacturer that never got past the prototype phase. Their name? 20th Century Motor Corporation. WHO would think that's worth a look?! "18th century zeppelin company? Might be worth a look!"
1:02 - Apparently a law was just passed that makes it illegal to own more than one company. It's been in the works for a few weeks already, and Dagny is suspicious about how it went through so quickly. Oh, quickly? Like the sweeping realignment of the only remaining transport industry which was passed and implemented in ONE AFTERNOON?!

1:06 - The visual effects in this movie are impressive...in that it's impressive they made a digital model of a train that looks less realistic than Sharktopus.

1:09 - I hope everyone gets to see this train ride at least once, because the movie honestly tries to make it seem more dramatic than the entire running time of Rudy.

1:14 - Rearden and Dagny just had sex, and that scene REALLY should've taken place on a train and finished with the train going into a tunnel. Just saying, it would've been some damn good directing. Also, the movie goes out of its way to remind us that Rearden will be cheating on his wife right before they start to bone.

1:15 - John Galta Claus comes during the night for Wyatt, Rearden and Dagny's business partner and main client.

1:16 - "What is it with all these stupid altruistic urges? It's not being charitable or fair. What's with people today?" Said our heroine. In fairness, she is hearing the incredibly unlikely story of how 20th Century Motor Company was brought down by a flattened wage scale, which paid people according to their need rather than their contribution. It's at this time I must mention the hubris of whoever wrote this shit trying to cast judgment on people who produce inferior products.
1:17 - Dagny and Rearden are in the old, broken down 20th Century factory in Wisconsin. By the way, they drove here from Colorado. In a world that, in footage previously shown, has lost many of its gas stations. Sorry, superhero movie, I forgot. Anyway, as they're searching through Rearden remarks how there's not much left around even though Dagny mentions that it seems like they just walked away in the middle of work. She laments "it's too bad, I'd really like to figure out what happened here." Umm, Rearden just spent like 3 minutes explaining what happened. Remember? The really really unfair sounding flattened wage scale thing? Am I paying more attention to this movie than the characters at this point?
1:19 - Immediately afterward they find a secret passage that leads to a room with all the designs and prototypes and immediately figure out that the engine runs on...magic? I guess? Something about it creating an atmospheric vacuum, being a tiny particle accelerator, and making static electricity from magnetic fields. So, yeah. World-changing magic.

1:28 - Wyatt left with John Galt for the government-less utopia of "Atlantis." In his final act, he set fire to his oil field, leaving a sign that said "I'm leaving it as I found it. Take over. It's yours." Thus totally screwing the heroes of the story, his two business partners, who have gone out of their way to physically threaten anyone who might double-cross them. Also, the giant pillar of black smoke pouring from the blaze might suck for anything with lungs, and amazing how he was able to travel back in time and bury all those plants and animals millions of years ago to create the oil that he must destroy to restore it "as I found it.". But yes, way to go Wyatt. The movie ends with a voiceover from him announcing he's going on strike. Well, ya kinda burned down part of the planet on your way out, so you're no longer on strike; you're fired.
1:29 - WOO! End of Part I! There'll be more? Hoorah!

Well, that was thoroughly unconvincing. Let me just say, for all you radicals out there, if you're going to make an argument as primarily repulsive as "fuck everyone else" is to the average person, then you REALLY have to do a good job making it. Atlas Shrugged doesn't do a good job of anything. Oh well, at least now when Paul Ryan references it I'll have some idea what he's talking about...which is actually terrifying now, considering I kind of want to apologize to Twilight fans.

Rating: *BONG BONG BONG* Three thumbs down.