Tivo Roster Scouting Report: Is friendship magic?

You know that part in an alien invasion movie where a soldier will kill a giant monster in a really cool way and quip, "I love this job!" I can only imagine sociologists had the same reaction the first time a colleague mentioned the concept of a "Brony." A Brony, for those who don't know, is an adult male fan of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, but I'll let Wikipedia explain further:

Two informal surveys of about 2,300 and 9,000 participants, respectively, revealed that the average age for the older fans was around 21, that approximately 86% were male, and that 63% were currently pursuing a college degree or higher.

In the past I have tried, and failed, to understand Twilight fans but in fairness it was never going to be my world. This time though? I'm WELL over 86% male and I have two college degrees! So at the risk of being judged by an inanimate object I told TiVo to grab the next episode of Friendship is Magic so I can see if I can see what the fuss is about and take a step towards understanding such a seemingly bizarre social group.

In the words of Dean Pelton, "I hope this doesn't awaken something in me..."

Play...

0:01 - Okay, first hurdle of understanding has been cleared...oh, and coincidentally the first scene is a pony jumping over hurdles. Anyway, as someone who grew up in the 80s and early 90s (aka the 1980s of the 1990s) my familiarity with My Little Pony is from the theme song which would play during the commercials and be relentlessly mocked on playgrounds around the English-speaking world ("my little pony, skinny and boney" etc). This show starts out with the same Disney princess soundtrack for a few seconds before going "hey, can you hand me the pop-punk shaker? Thanks *sprinkle sprinkle*" If you know the chorus to "Sk8er Boi" then you can't really be embarrassed by this theme song. That was one of my very first thoughts, "how are these guys able to sit through that theme song?" Now I know, not as hard as you'd think. Only thing is I was hoping the intro would answer whether this show has a villain or not, but I'm still unclear on that so far.

0:01 - Oh and we have our first ad break. Completely forgot how many ads kids' shows have. Excuse me, shows DESIGNED for younger audiences.

0:07 - This already has more depth and complexity than I was expecting. Ponyville's resident athlete, Applejack, is on her way to the big rodeo and is under pressure from her family to perform her absolute best, from the town leadership to win lots of money (she's already pledged her winnings to fix the town hall) and from her friends to have fun and make the most of the experience. Did not expect to get to use my Sport Studies degree to see parallels with the pressures faced by high-level athletes in a show about magical horses.

0:09 - Now she's sent word back that she won't be returning but will send the money soon. Her friends have decided to head out to find her and see what the problem is. Yes, I can see exactly where this is going, but I also once predicted at the beginning of a Disney Channel show I'd never seen that two characters would surprisingly kiss at the end of the episode, to the surprise of my friend who watched the show regularly. So I won't get confused about the appeal YET, because it might just be that I have magic powers in regards to plot predictions. My Mom certainly does, so it could be inherited.
0:09 - Oh, and another commercial break! There's an ad for "slushy magic" that's already giving me an ice-cream headache just looking at it.

0:16 - Yikes, I think I might have been wrong. Naturally I assumed Applejack did poorly and was afraid of letting everyone down, but instead she kicked ass and took a job at a cherry orchard. Her friends are sticking around to find out what she's not telling them though, so *fingers crossed* I could still be partially right! On another subject, I wonder if the writers come up with suitably whimsical things on an episode-by-episode basis or if they have a big list of jobs and locations that are properly whimsical for the characters to be engaged in.

0:19 - While the other ponies use their hooves like hands and pick stuff up to manipulate it, one of them can levitate stuff and just does that all the time with everything. Makes her seem really conceited. Yes, if I could levitate things I'd do it all the time too, and yes I just got really catty about a magical animated pony. Whatever *Z snap*

0:24 - After refusing to answer any questions about why she won't go back to Ponyville, Applejack is now escaping in a horse drawn wagon after attempting to ditch her friends again. I was going to mention how weird it was that the ponies would be using other horses for transport but then I realized I was essentially describing a rickshaw soooo carry on, I guess.

0:28 - YES! I was RIGHT! Take THAT, uh, easy to follow storytelling? Applejack won a ton of ribbons but didn't come in first in anything so she was worried she'd let everyone down and took the job to try and make up for the prize money she didn't win. Of course her friends are proud of her and super impressed with all the ribbons she won and assure her that "we can always find a way to fix that hole in the roof, but if you don't come back we'll never be able to fix the hole in our hearts." Aww.

I get it! Well, I get why kids would like it. It has a younger-skewing Powerpuff Girls vibe to it, it's fast paced, and has vibrant yet archetypal characters. If I had a niece who wanted to watch a marathon of it I wouldn't be bashing my head against the wall about sitting there watching it. Would I search it out though? Would I buy the show's merchandise and adjust my outward persona to indicate outwardly that I watch the show regularly? No.

So why are guys my age watching it that way? I'm a researcher so I'm not going to do the Fox News thing and go "some might say..." and pretend it's a deep psychological profile that fits every guy who has ever watched an episode of a kids' show. What I WILL do is contrast the moral of this story with what would have happened in the boys' shows I watched.

I kinda knew what was going to happen because I could recognize the storyline of the big event coming up, with all the pressure to succeed, and what happens when you then fall short. In my experience it could be because you're Billy the Blue Ranger and have a big test coming up, so Rita sends down a monster called, I don't know, Exam-antis the praying mantis who asks multiple choice questions. OR the actual Power Rangers episode where Billy gets a B on a test so Rita sends a Bee-themed monster to attack him and destroy his psyche (look it up). The main character has all this pressure and expectation to succeed, they fall short, and they succumb to their worry that the people they care about will be disappointed or upset. Classic storyline.

The difference comes in the angle shown of that storyline. While Power Rangers would focus on the character undergoing the hardship, and place their friends at arm's length and absent from the narrative, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic focuses squarely on Applejack's friends and their reaction to her disappearance. Power Rangers would show visions from Billy's imagination, of his friends laughing at him or being ashamed of him, possibly with wavy lines or soft focus to indicate this was happening in his head. At the end he'd reveal to his friends that's what he thought their reaction would be, and they'd tell him how silly he was to think that and tell him how worried they were when he became distant. Friendship is Magic SHOWS how worried Applejack's friends are, and causes the audience to want to discover "what made her upset?" rather than share the character's fear of "will everyone be mad at me?" It's a subtle difference, but an important distinction. "Boys'" shows that I can remember feature characters suffering through the loneliness and doubt that we have all experienced and has the friendship stuff occur off-screen. When Applejack reveals her shame over not coming in first we all immediately understand because we've all been there, we don't need to see what Power Rangers will show us. Instead, Friendship is Magic shows us the friendship stuff, the part that's usually "off-screen" in real life when you feel alone, the part you don't get to see or notice when it's most important to.

The other important difference is the ending. If a kid on Power Rangers came in second in a karate competition the Rangers would tell them that's perfectly okay, just work harder and you'll come in first next time. When Applejack's friends see all the ribbons she won they're proud without any reservations. In their minds she kicked ass, and deserves praise for it. Is this what guys are getting from My Little Pony that they never got anywhere else? The idea that you can be proud of your accomplishments without having to now be responsible for immediately rededicating yourself to improving upon them in an ever-escalating cycle that never results in satisfaction or a feeling of achievement? I mean, obviously that's not going to be the moral of every episode, but if the overarching message of the show is "it's okay to be happy and to make other people happy and leave it at that" then I actually can see what draws Bronies to it.

The gender identification aspect of Friendship is Magic's male following seems to be the main mystery about it, more than anything age-related. The thing is that isolation and self-doubt are universal problems for everyone but assholes, and assholes exist in all genders, as do non-assholes. Being an asshole, at its base, has nothing to do with gender, or sexuality, or socio-economic status, or nationality, or ethnicity. It has everything to do with a desire for emotional isolation and ignorance, an incapability for empathy, and an unwavering focus on personal material success. I've noticed that when people describe pressure to act "masculine" the behaviors have more to do with being an asshole than anything required of simply being male. The idea that you need to be ruthless to succeed in business has always seemed to me to be more about the business world being ruled by assholes than being ruled by men. Looking at Bronies I don't see a group of guys wanting to act feminine, I see guys enticed by the idea that they don't have to be assholes. Taking the gender aspect out of it, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic reminds me of Chuck, the NBC show about a regular 'nerd' pressed into service as a spy for the CIA. I say 'nerd' because Chuck himself was tall, thin, smart, and handsome and the nerd moniker was more about his resistance to be ruthless than his proclivity for video games. He wanted to be open with his feelings, be with his friends and family, and make sure people were taken care of; everything the ponies of My Little Pony seem to represent. He wasn't in Ponyville though, he was in the CIA where even the women are men, and much if not all of the show's dramatic aspects developed out of that conflict. Chuck fandom doesn't get attention though, because it has guns and beautiful women and explosions and a male main character, but the morals seem to be the same albeit hidden under the codeword of 'nerd' rather than laid bare in magic rainbow-colored girlish delight.

So no, watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic didn't make me a Brony, but it didn't make me wonder what this world is coming to like Twilight did (and still does). Taken at face-value it's the same "sensitive guy" phenomenon that's been around for far longer than I have, and might just be a hyper-reaction to a Gears of War masculine "ideal" that only seems to be becoming more sociopathic. Either way, it's healthier and more enjoyable than watching the waning episodes of Entourage.

Rating: *ding* thumb up.

Twilight: Eclipse

Why am I watching a Twilight movie? Because I've seen the first two, and I will warn you right now that once you start down that rabbit hole there is no turning back. I watched Twilight once when it was On-Demand, aka through my cable box (sorry Tivo), because I wanted...nay...NEEDED to see what had led to such a cultural phenomenon that Hot Topic might just pass Wal-Mart. What followed was one of the worst acting, writing, and directing performances I've ever seen.

It was the Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen of romance, and I say that not just because that's another terrible movie, but because both are enlighteningly terrible. Transformers 2 gives you a Being John Malkovich-style journey into the mind of a Maxim magazine subscriber, an avvid Spike TV viewer, the person who questions your sexuality on X-Box Live, a 13 year old male. You can get the same thing at 3am any week night on Comedy Central as they show an edited version of National Lampoon's Generic College Gross-Out Sex Comedy #12. Twilight is one of the few non-horse-based movies that lays bare the equivalent embarrassing generic fantasy for women. From the trailer it looks like Monte Carlo is gunning for the title a bit, but "shopping porn" movies like that still get dirty looks from women who wish to be complicated. Twilight throws off the shackles of materialism, and tries SO hard to make Bella, the main character, some angsty, strong, substantial ideal for the true woman. It fails. It fails SPECTACULARLY. So follow me down the rabbit hole to watch characters, plots, and dialogue smash together and disintegrate in a brilliant explosion that reveals so much about the imaginations and fantasies that formed them. Truly, the Twilight Saga is the Large Hadron Collider of juveline female fantasy.

Play...

0:01 - Okay, someone is dead in the rain. I hope that wasn't too important because I started recording late and missed it. If I've learned anything from this movies it's that it wasn't that important. Also, when the super dramatic eclipse themed main title came up I couldn't decide whether to do the Heroes noise in my head, or try to imagine a crowd of 40-something women whooping excitedly. It seemed designed for whooping so I went with that.

0:02 - Bella and Edward (the vampire guy, in case you're lucky enough not to know) are sitting in a field of flowers as she reads poetry in preparation for her English final. He repeatedly kisses her and strokes her hair, because he obviously has nothing of importance to be doing, unlike her. She says she has to focus on studying...which is why students always flee the library during the finals week to buckle down in fields of flowers.
0:03 - Edward wants to get married, Bella thinks it's just a "piece of paper" and wants to be turned into a vampire instead. Feminist ROARRRR #1: Marriage is for wusses, not for me, I'm strong.
0:04 - Kristen Stewart bit her lip 5 times during that three minute scene. Oh you better believe I'm keeping a running count. Also she has to go home so she leaves Edward in the field. Um, is he just going to stay there? Why couldn't he walk her home? He had NOTHING else to do but kiss her and stroke her hair, why does he stay in the field?!

0:04 - *SMACK!* That was exposition slapping you right across the face. It happens a lot in these movies. Like right now when it cuts to Bella's sheriff Dad holding a newspaper with the giant headline "MURDERS, DISAPPEARANCES. POSSIBLE WORK OF A SERIAL KILLER. Yet another victim found in a Georgetown Alley."
0:05 - "You know why I'm grounding you right?"
"I know, I put you through hell"
"Yes you did. But I have other reasons...for grounding you."
The dialogue in these movies is mostly made up of topic sentences.
0:05 - For the record, Bella's Dad is a great character because he's always drinking, and I'm not 100% sure he's scripted to always be drinking because the guy playing him always seems to be drunk. I like to think he just kept bringing beer to the set and the director figured it wasn't important to argue with him about it. By the way, Bella has almost died a couple of times, and disappeared to Italy in the last movie after going into hiding. Not sure which of those was the "put you through hell" reference, but she only got grounded for it.

0:06 - Feminist ROARRRR #2: Bella drives a beat-up old truck instead of a Toyota Yaris, or Mini Cooper, or VW Beetle Convertable. I drive a guys car, what up NOW society?! I'm strong!

0:08 - The first thing that drew me to how oddly terrible these movies are is how interesting Bella's friends at school are. They're the best actors in the whole series, their scenes are always enjoyable, and they actually seem like they're in high school. Edward and the vampires all look like teachers, but no one seems to notice. Also, you're supposed to think Bella's high school friends are super lame, even though they're interesting and nothing but nice to her. I'm guessing this is so the edgy outsiders who shop at Hot Topic don't have to feel included, even when popular people are being nice and engaging with them.
0:09 - Edward's "sister" Alice can have visions of the future, because these movies add "every plot device ever used" to the traditional list of vampire powers. Oh, and they drive Volvos, that's another super power.

0:10 - Edward: Oh...Bella? My parents wanted to remind you about the airline tickets you got for your birthday.
Drunk Dad: What airline ticket?
Bella: Ah...a roundtrip ticket to see Mom in Florida.
Drunk Dad: Well...that was generous.
Edward: They expire soon, so you might want to use it this weekend.
*SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK!

0:12 - "The way he watches you...it's like he's willing to leap in front of you and take a bullet or something." Oh my God, just when I think we reached the depths of dialogue, we find a trench. Her Mom said this by the way, while Edward is creepily staring at her sunbathe through a window. Because that's ALWAYS what parents think when creepy dudes leer at their daughter, that he's so brave and devoted. Feminist ROARRRRR #3: Dad, who is around him all the time and is a dude himself, doesn't get Edward. Mom, who lives 4000 miles away, automatically understands the entire relationship. Because women are emotionally smart at a level bordering on omnicense, because they're so strong!
0:12 - "we're just..." "In love. I get it!" *SMACK!* That one was from character development, to show that Mom gets it. In case her correctly describing their relationship didn't already let you know that.

0:15 - Holy shit, the vampires were all just randomly standing in the woods like an Abercrombie/LL Bean crossover, when Bryce Dallas Howard came sprinting by. Was the Lady in the Water set nearby or something?

0:17 - Edward: If I asked you to stay in the car, would you? (gets out) (Bella gets out too) Of course not. Feminist ROARRRRR #4: I do what I want BITCH cause I'm strong!

0:19 - And the first appearance of Jason the Red Ranger! I mean Jacob, who is a wolf, and apparently a 9 year old who made a wish like Tom Hanks in BIG and turned into Taylor Lautner overnight. Or maybe his voice and acting ability just make it seem like that. Bella just got on a dirtbike with him and rode off, even though it's been established that this is the first they've spoken in weeks, and Bryce Dallas Howard is some sort of super vampire here to kill her. Uh oh, I think someone's going to get grounded for almost being murdered again!

0:19 - For the record, the fact that the werewolves are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS shirtless and in jeans never fails to make me laugh. Roll your eyes at men making movies featuring women in bikinis all you want ladies, we'll always have shirtless werewolves in jeans.
0:21 - "Wolf telepathy, remember?" ...no? Holy shit, did they give everyone in these movies telepathy so they wouldn't have to write conversations for them and everyone could just say out loud what they others are feeling so no one has to act? Stephanie Meyer is an idiotic genius!
0:22 - "Imprinting is like...when you see her...everything changes. It's not gravity holding you to the planet anymore. It's her." Now do you believe me about the Transformers 2 of romance? Think about that line for five seconds. Life makes a little less sense now, doesn't it?
0:24 - Going to apologize to Taylor Lautner, he has improved by leaps and bounds since the first two movies. Get this guy a sidekick role in an action movie, STAT!

0:25 - Things were supposd to be tense and dramatic because there was some new vampire going through Bella's room and walking around the house. The soundtrack was even tense strings! I'm struggling to figure out the difference between what that vampire was doing and what Edward is always doing

0:26 - Vampire Dad: Someone's orchestrating this
Bella: Victoria?
Alice: I would've seen her decide.
Edward: It has to be the Volturi
Alice: I don't think it's the Volturi either. I've been watching Aro's decisions too.
PLOT DEVICE POWERS ACTIVATE *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK!

0:27 - Edward and Jacob are arguing about Jacob protecting Bella from her non-Edwardian stalker when Bella yells "Stop! I'm tired of this. From now on I'm SWITZERLAND okay?!" Feminist ROARRRRR #5: I'm a country now, I'm strong. That's what she meant, right?
0:29 - Jacob: So, what did you want to do today? Bike? Hike? Hang? Your call. But we're going to a party tonight. *BOOM! IT'S IMMEDIATELY NIGHTTIME* That cut wasn't distracting at all.
0:30 - The party is a tribal meeting where they're going to talk about their secret tribal histories, Jacob explains that Bella is the first outsider EVER to hear them. So in case you're keeping score, she is so vital, special, and important that the werewolves and vampires form an alliance to protect her when they spend the rest of their time killing each other, and now she's the first outsider EVER to hear these sacred tribal histories. Did I already mention that all her friends are more successful and interesting than her?
0:32 - Feminist ROARRRR #6: The Native American tribe was saved from vampires by the chief's second wife. Even though she couldn't turn into a wolf and her only magic power was estrogen. She was pretty strong, or something.

0:35 - Vampire Dad: I'm surprised the Volturi let it go on this long.
Edward: Maybe they're behind it. In Italy, I read Aro's mind. He wants me and Alice to join him, but he knows we'll never choose him as long as our family's alive. *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK! Seriously, I think they're just starting to read the plot synopsis in the first person.

0:40 - Feminist ROARRRRR #7: Jacob kisses Bella, she punches him in the face. Why? Because slapping is for pussies! Also she broke her hand doing it, because apparently dogs are made of stone now? I'm confused, but in fairness I've never punched my dog in the face...
0:42 - One of the vampire ladies has a problem with Bella, so they talk it out head-on. Because if there's one thing teen girls are famous for, it's confronting relationship problems head-on.
0:45 - I'm really curious how long it took Stephanie Meyer to come up with "the vampire woman with a chip on her shoulder about Bella was turned after her fiance and his friends left her to die in the street after raping her" or if she just took it from the "horrible things no one would ever wish on anyone" handbook. It does kind of put Bella's "OMG I think Edward's totally cute so I want 2 b a vampire 2!" problems in perspective, but I don't really expect that they'll run with that. I will say that having a rapist be mauled to death by a vampire is something I will never argue with. Well done Twilight, you finally got me!
0:47 - "There's nothing I'm ever going to want more than Edward." Umm, when I was 18 I wanted to go to Quinnipiac instead of UNH. Now you couldn't pay me enough money to do that.

0:48 - Just a heads up, the ultimate threat in these movies is Dakota Fanning and a guy with a Justin Bieber haircut.

0:50 - Anna Kendrick just gave a one minute graduation speech that may or may not have been from a different movie. Kristen Stewart bit her lip 3 times in that minute, but that only brings her up to 11 so far.
0:51 - The wolves just showed up to a graduation party at the vampires' house and they're all wearing shirts. Now nothing funny is happening. Weak!

0:53 - Apparently the non-Edwardian stalker has formed a crazy vampire army to kill Bella. The vampires and the wolves are fretting over how to protect her. One group is immortal, the other is a highly secretive Native American tribe at war with them, and she's purposefully designed to be unremarkable. Realistically, the best she could hope for is being tied to a tree on the outskirts of town while everyone goes back to their normal business. Obviously that's not the plan they go with.

0:54 - Edward just showed up in a Jeep. Volvo owns Jeep? Now I'm confused again.

0:57 - One of the vampires gives a *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK! about now newly turned vampires are so much stronger than long-time ones like them. So how do they train for this deadly threat? Umm, by fighting each other. Because obviously fighting someone slower and weaker than your opponent will better prepare you to fight them. Also, the wolves showed up for the training but didn't train at all. I'm guessing this had more to do with the effects budget than any kind of strategy.

1:01 - Jasper, the vampire who just attacked us with exposition, was an officer in the confederate army before he was turned. Two VERY important things about the origin story he tells. #1 he is sure to mention that he made major without having seen a battle, which doesn't make much sense since he's like 12, and he gets turned right after helping evacuate some women and children. Takeaways? He didn't kill anyone and helped two groups that women tend to like men helping. Are you starting to see how these movies work?

1:06 - Their genius hiding spot from the vampire army? A campsite. Literally the most secure location in cinema history. Oh, wait, no, people typically get eaten by bears or chopped up by machetes at campsites.
1:08 - Also, the plan involves Jacob carrying Bella to the campsite without his shirt on. This doesn't seem strange to anyone.
1:09 - Wait, now Bella is at home. Why was Jacob carrying her? I understood Inception, how am I so lost now? Oh right, because there isn't a plot in this one.

1:11 - "Dad! I'm a virgin!" Feminist ROARRRRR #8: Take that stereotypes! You buncha pussies! STRONG!!!

1:12 - Bella arrives at Edward's house and he opens the door and says "what are you doing outside? What's wrong?" How else was she supposed to get from her house to your house? We've officially reached the point where they're just doing dialogue mad libs.
1:14 - Bella is now trying to get Edward to have sex with her. Feminist ROARRRRRR #9: Fuck being a virgin! I feel differently than I did ten minutes ago! ROARRRRR!!! WOAH! Wait, she just said she'd marry him if he makes an honest attempt at having sex with her...I think that's going to have to go down as a Feminist ROA-wait, what the fuck did she just say? #1.
1:16 - Edward stops almost immediately: "Believe me, I want to...I just want to be married to you first." I think he just wants to avoid mentioning that since he no longer has blood circulation that...well...you know. Also, I wonder how many closeted Republicans' first wives were suckered in with that line.
1:17 - Edward is now waxing poetic about how he would've courted her back in the day. Because life was just like a Jane Austen novel until about 15 years ago. BOOM! They just got engaged while I was typing that. Good thing thing they had that discussion about the pointlessness of marriage, like, a week ago.
1:22 - Jacob is shirtlessly carrying her again...for real this time, I think.
1:24 - Jacob has decided to stay at the campsite and not fight with the others. Soooo to review: a group of immortal vampires and their secretive, clan based enemies, have joined forces to protect this random girl that a wolf and a vampire have a crush on...except neither of those dudes are going to fight. I will give this movie three thumbs up on my Tivo RIGHT NOW if all the other characters just leave and these morons get mauled in their little Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt 1 tent.
1:25 - There's a storm, Bella is fully clothed and freezing, somehow shirtless Jacob (who has been outside the tent the entire time) is going to shirtlessly warm her up, much to the chagrin of Edward. Wouldn't it make more sense for him to turn into a wolf, because his fur will be warme...why am I still trying to use logic? Oh well, at least it lets me know I'm still sane.

1:27 - Jacob and Edward are having an argument while Bella sleeps and Jacob barely spoons her (which is apparently keeping her comfortably warm). Jacob is claiming she loves him too, Edward is being angsty, and I'm realizing how much I wish he was being played by Gary Oldman from Bram Stoker's Dracula right now.
1:30 - Edward and Jacob finish up on good terms, with Edward saying he'd let Bella go if she chose Jacob. Because she holds all the cards, and the world and everyone in it shall bend to her decision. How is this less insulting than "guy movies" having strippers in them? At least the strippers are getting paid.

1:30 - There's snow everywhere at the campsite. Didn't they just graduate high school, making this June? Where the hell are they?
1:31 - Jacob just found out Bella and Edward are getting married and he's not happy about it.
Bella: Well what can I do? Jacob: You can't do anything. I can! By going out there and killing something! Bella: No! You're not thinking clearly! Don't do that! *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK!
1:34 - Bella just kissed the shit out of Jacob for ten minutes, then was surprised when her psychic vampire fiance noticed.

1:36 - The big vampire army battle has started and the super strong newbie vampires have yet to do anything but get knocked completely off their feet by he older, weaker vampires.
1:37 - There are repeated shots of good vampires pulling bad vampires off of wolves, then sharing knowing glances of appreciation with said wolves, because *SMACK!* CULTURAL RIVALRIES BEING MENDED! Also, the good vampires weren't supposed to stand a chance without the wolves, but they keep having to save the wolves, so I'm starting to think they guilted the wolves into coming just to make a big show of saving them every other second. What a bunch of assholes.
1:39 - Edward explains to the evil vampire how he's been manipulated the whole time, and Bryce Dallas Howard doesn't really love him, causing evil vampire to hesitate. Really thought guys were finally going to have their own super power in this series, the power of bros before hoes, but alas evil vampire attacks anyway and gets lit up by a werewolf.
1:40 - The vampires use a strange amount of choke holds and sleeper holds on each other considering both are used to impair respiration and circulation, neither of which are peformed by...you guessed it...vampires.

1:43 - Bryce Dallas Howard is dead, everyone survives. Yeah, that's right, EVERYONE survives the deadly attack that was so dangerous. Even the kid who got introduced in the "I'm getting introduced just to get killed later" role. Jacob does get the bones on one half of his body shattered, but obviously the other shirtless werewolves are able to pick him up and carry him to safety before the Volturi show up. The editing for that scene looks like this.
(Jacob carried away)
(close up on Alice) Alice: They're coming!
(The Volturi walk up to them)
I'm not exaggerating.

1:47 - Very dramatic scene where Vampire Dad and the Native American chief shake hands, solidifying their bromance, then Bella is informed that Jacob (who Vampire Dad mentions will be fine, even though he's recovering in a cabin from having the bones on one half of his body shattered) is asking for her. Although it's kind of affected by the fact that all the werewolves are standing around, looking like they're about to head off for a swim.

1:51 - Bella sets a date for her wedding, in August, a month before her birthday. So why did she get airline tickets for her birthday back before graduation? Who gives someone a birthday present 3 months early? Vampires! That's who! Still very confused about how they had a snowstorm in July. Confused about a lot of things, much like these characters, so maybe I am connecting with them after all.

1:53 - "This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob, it was between who I should be and who I am. I've always felt out of step. Like, literally stumbling through my life. I've never felt normal...because I'm not normal, I don't wanna be." That's the sound of Hot Topic's board of directors getting a collective boner.

Wait, did that movie have a plot?

Status: Three Thumbs Down *bong, bong, bong*

The 83rd Annual Academy Awards

The young and hip Oscars, eh? Well lets just get right into it, because I have a few things to say on this one.

Play...

0:04 - The pre-taped segment to start went well, as it always should. If you screw that part up then God help you for the rest of it. One really distracting part was Anne Hathaway trying to do the accents in the different movies while James Franco remained James Franco. Seems like either they both become characters in the movie or stay themselves, but here they seemed like they were in completely different skits; it would become a theme for their performance.
0:05 - See? No British accent for either in the King's Speech segment, made more sense.

0:07 - "You have a time machine, and you want to go to the present?" Remember that Anne said this, because it's another theme of the night. Also, I LOVE Back to the Future, and I know it's the 25th anniversary, but it seemed odd to have skits for modern nominated films that ends with one from Back to the Future.

0:08 - "Oh my gosh, you're all real!" Why do celebrities always question the reality of the situation as their go-to joke on awards shows? Is it because they're used to being chemically altered?

0:09 - The best exchange/joke of the night from the hosts, which actually gave me hope at the time:

Anne: [regarding James being nominated] So, are you nervous?
James: Ahh, no.
Anne: Come on, you must want to win a little bit.
James: I mean, I don't know, what do you get if you win.
Anne: You, you get an Oscar.
James: Yeah, but do I like, get money with it, or...
Anne: No, you get prestige.
James: Oh.
Anne: For the rest of your life, everyone will refer to you as Academy Award Winner James Franco.
James: What do you mean everyone? Like, even my Mom?

What's sad is that it turns out their best joke of the night turned out to just be a set-up for a stupid joke involving their Moms and Grandmothers in the audience. Which involved a Marky Mark joke which Hathaway quickly followed up with, "that's actually Oscar nominee Mark Walberg, and we loved his film The Fighter. [applause applause applause]"

Nooooo fucking wonder these people hated Ricky Gervais. They made the most timid, innocent joke about Marky Mark (and don't correct people, he actually IS Marky Mark, sorry if you want to forget it dude) and immediately have to follow it up with what is essentially an apology. I'm guessing this show was a response to him, and in that case it only makes his performance look even better.

0:12 - WTF Moment #1: Immediately following the monologue with some snippets of music and a picture from Gone With the Wind. Then Tom Hanks comes out and talks about Gone With the Wind and desperately attempts to link it to the awards he's about to present. What purpose did this serve? No clue. Yes, the Young and Hip Oscars begin with a random reference to an embarrassingly racist movie from 70 years ago.
0:13 - Now some random scenes from Titanic, apparently to show us what cinematography is. Except they never, you know, explained any of it, and followed it up with the award for set decoration.

0:22 - WTF Moment #2: Putting Kirk Douglas on the stage alone. I'm guessing the idea was to show everyone that Kirk Douglas is currently still alive, and that's great, and good on him for continuing to live. Unfortunately there are a billion people watching, and it can get pretty awkward watching a man not long for this world slurring through jokes and pick-up lines that require timing. Have him say nice things, have him tell a simple joke, don't stick him out there with Conan O'Brien's material minus the humor. His delaying of the announcement of the winner by saying "you know..." and starting another story was funny, but as soon as he started telling another story it went back to stressful and terrifying. Having someone else out there with him would've done wonders. Also, I can't be the only person worried that he'd announce the winner and no one would understand who it was.
0:27 - If you ever want to know how long 5 minutes can seem, watch these 5 minutes.
0:28 - Again, if there was someone else there THEY could have given Melissa Leo her Oscar while Douglas was helped off the stage. Instead we get Leo asking Douglas to pinch her (again, the implication that this is not real) and he laugh manically and does just that, which leads to a conversation between them. IT'S HER FUCKING OSCAR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH! GET HIM OFF THE STAGE! Oh Thank God, someone came and got him.
0:29 - Speaking of fucking, nice f-bomb by Melissa Leo. In fact, nice crazy acceptance speech by her. I've heard winning an Oscar described as finding out you're pregnant, having the baby, and having to give a presentation about it in front of a billion people, all in the same second, so I prefer to give people a break. My Mom on the other hand gets super pissed off if people's emotions rise above "Dame Judy Dench."
0:31 - Man, the look on that poor male model's face when Melissa Leo pulled Kirk Douglas's cane away to make a joke about how she was so flustered that she needed it. That's going to be an extra special "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!" moment when she watches the recording tomorrow.

0:33 - My high school-self would jump off a bridge to hear me say this, but Justin Timberlake is hilarious and charming and should NEVER host this show because it needs him a lot more than he needs to be dragged down by it. Funniest line of the night? When Mila Kunis was about to read their nominees and he leaned in and said "you know..." in a spot-on reference to the craziness that just went on with Kirk Douglas. Well played man who is better at everything than I will ever be at anything. Also, how drunk was Mila Kunis?

0:42 - WTF Moment #3: A call-back to the very first Oscar ceremony. Okay Oscars, I get what you're doing, it's a little retrospective. Guess what, you get to do those on 10s and 5s at the VERY most. It's the 83rd Oscars, you don't get to reminisce.

0:46 - Aaron Sorkin looks like the teacher in high school would demand to be treated like an Ivy League professor.

0:55 - AWFUL SEGMENT. Not even going to call it a WTF Moment. First off, the "things have gone wrong and we're just going to wing it *WINK WINK*" joke song? Has that ever worked on an awards ceremony? Secondly, you can't base a segment around mentioning Hugh Jackman so much that people remember how well his show went and think your's is of the same quality (ps: that show written by Dan Harmon of Community fame). Third, cheap but nicely done with the Charlie Sheen joke with Franco in a dress claiming to have just gotten a text from him. Anne Hathaway didn't immediately apologize and talk about how much she loves his work though, so he's fallen pretty far.

0:57 - And the award for most randomly attractive winner goes to the Danish woman who won best documentary short. Yowza.

1:00 - Just want to mention that Batman, The Hulk, and Hawkeye are all up for best supporting actor. Pretty impressive.
1:04 - Christian Bale, possibly best speech of the night. Although, maybe it was the beard, but it reminded me a lot of when his character is drunk in the restaurant in The Prestige.

1:09 - Did they hire Hathaway just to put her in dresses and change her hair all night?

1:10 - WTF Moment #4: Hey, let's play the Star Wars theme to demonstrate sound! Now here's a few bars of Lawrence of Arabia! A little E.T.! And finally...West Side Story? I think? Either way, it's a good thing no movies from this year had musical scores that you might be awarding in a few moments. Oh,  nevermind, here they are. Here's my point though: let's talk about the movies from THIS year. So much of this show was focused on yesteryear. That's fine for an anniversary year, but my college yearbook isn't filled with people from 70 years ago, it's dedicated to my class. This is 2010's class of films, maybe pay some attention to them on their night?
1:14 - "Wow, is this...really happening?" - Trent Reznor. Again, I can only chalk this up to extended periods of intoxication.

1:16 - Scarlett Johansson likes the way she says the word "sound" and they made it into a bit. She's divorced, how depressing is that?

1:25 - Okay, now make-up is being introduced with a discussion of Lord of the Rings. I'm not giving this one a WTF because those movies came out within the past ten years, and the presenter (Cate Blanchette) was in them. Guess that would've been hard with Gone With the Wind since they're all dead. Maybe that's why you pick more recent ones.

1:32 - See, prefacing the songs category with "man on the street" interviews with people talking about their favorites would've made more sense if they had done it for the other categories too. That would've worked! Ask people about beautiful landscapes and stick that before cinematography. Ask them about crazy sets for art direction. Don't tell people what movies they remember, ask them.

1:35 - Hey! It's Chuck! Shaky start for him. Was he aware that they'd make a Disney Prince sing too? Or did he assume it was only Princesses when he took the role.

1:42 - Good thing Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't read things aloud for a living...oh. Seriously, I'm afraid to make fun of him in case it turns out that a family member had just died backstage.

1:47 - Well done to Luke Matheny for being excited. That's what we want! He was youthful, and even gave a shout out to the thank you cam backstage. A meaningful technology reference. Also well done to James Franco for his "NYU, what's up!" after Matheny's shout out to NYU Film School. Stand by your alma mater people, even if you get into an Ivy League school later.

1:48 - Autotune joke! Less meaningful technology reference. You're the Oscars and you were outdone by the Autotune the News kids.

1:49 - Find some way to see James Franco's face after Anne Hathaway's "I get to wear a dress that does this!" dance. He CANNOT STAND being around her. I think that may have affected their chemistry.

1:59 - Now Billy Crystal is talking about Bob Hope? Oh, and we're getting a retrospective of the first televised Oscars, because that's...relevant. Also, remember this for trivia contests: what do Bob Hope and Will.i.am have in common? They've both been fake holograms on national television.

2:02 - How much money is Robert Downey Jr. being offered to host this show next year?

2:02 - Grrr, visual effects is my first pissed of category of the night. Hereafter? You were REALLY that desperate to get a nomination for a Clint Eastwood movie? You couldn't have thrown a bone to Scott Pilgrim vs. The World for, you know, innovating? Oh well, no place at the Young and Hip Oscars for a movie that is the first to truly incorporate the media that kids in the past 30 years have grown up with.
2:03 - "Well, I'm, uh, pretty sure that top is still spinning." Et tu visual effects guy from Inception? I believe the drugs excuse a lot less with you.

2:11 - If you here anyone complaining about how James Franco had no energy and a robotic delivery please remind them that that's James Franco, and the Academy knew that when they hired him. There's also a chance this is a part of the big performance art project that is his life.

2:15 - I bet people who sing karaoke with Gwyneth Paltrow tell her she's really good.

2:18 - Upon a second watch, I'd give Randy Newman second best speech behind Christian Bale, followed by short film guy. It really is more interesting when people don't do thank you lists though.

2:22 - Almost a WTF Moment: Celine Dion walking onto the stage, but it turns out it was for the In Memoriam.
2:24 - Okay, WTF Moment #5: Cutting back to Celine in the middle of the reel. Is she dead? No? Then GTFO.
2:25 - WTF Moment #6: Halle Berry's book report on Lena Horne. Kind of shitty for all the other people who died and weren't even allowed to get applause. Was this to make up for how you reference Gone With the Wind every single year? Sorry Black people! It was this or nominate Tyler Perry for something.

2:33 - Still don't understand how Tom Hooper won best director. He shouldn't have even been mentioned in the same sentence as Chris Nolan, and he wasn't even nominated! And I liked The King's Speech for the record, but it's British Period Piece #2 from the playbook, hardly a challenge. Oh, and I couldn't argue with most of the winners tonight, which is very unusual for me.

2:37 - WTF Moment #7: Giving Kirk Douglas 5 minutes to ramble, but just having the honorary Oscar recipients (who can all speak normally) walk out and wave.

2:49 - I've been hard on Anne Hathaway tonight so I'll admit that her "FLUB, drink at home" line after screwing up made me laugh.

2:51 - Jeff Bridges is the new Jack Nicholson at the Oscars, except I like him A LOT more.
2:53 - I get the feeling Jesse Eisenberg is going to be the next Sean Penn. By which I mean he got his start in raunchy teen comedies, takes himself too seriously, and will become increasingly insufferable. Prove me wrong buddy.

2:55 - Like I said, my Mom loves Dame Judy Dench speeches so she'll love Colin Firth's. I thought it was boring and made me wish someone else had won it because it seems like anyone else would've been happier to get it. Except Eisenberg, who would've tried to take a stance on something. I'm just kidding Firth, I'm happy you won.

Okay, that's where TiVo runs out because the show ran long, but nothing else happens really. The Young and Hip Oscars overlooks another emotional touchstone from Pixar (Toy Story 3), a truly inventive heist film with the first breathtaking visual effects since Lord of the Rings, or possibly The Matrix (Inception), and a movie about a world changing development that has quite possibly started 6 revolutions in the past 2 months that had been waiting for 40 years in some cases (The Social Network) and gave best picture to a British period piece that will be impossible or anyone to place in 10 years.

I guess that's the big question for Oscar's future; is it a nostalgic circle jerk for all involved, or is it an attempt to represent the year in film? Currently they seem to be trying to have it both ways, and that's not going to work. Something I thought they did well last year was the montages for each genre which summed up the year in film, including popular films that weren't nominated. It helped everyone feel like their tastes were represented in the broadcast, and I think that's a much better usage of time than fawning over Gone With the Wind AGAIN.

A problem is brewing in Best Picture again after they seemingly fixed it by expanding the nominees. A few years ago people complained about The Dark Knight being left out, so they expanded the list to 10 to include non-traditional contenders like District 9 and Up. Here's the problem, you've made the same mistake as the BCS. When the BCS started letting in people like TCU and Boise State they seemed to think that would get everyone off their backs. The trouble is that seeing the outsiders compete at a high level makes people want to see them truly get a shot at the big prize. So here's your problem Oscars, when you nominate Pixar again, or The Dark Knight Rises in a few years, after a while you're going to have to give a statue to someone of their ilk. Are you ready to be that relevant? Because judging from tonight's show, you aren't.

Status: *bong, bong, bong* Three Thumbs Down

Parks & Recreation: Media Blitz

A major moment happened on Thursday. I let TiVo grab The Office while I cleaned my room, but made sure to be done in time to watch Parks & Rec live. It was a slightly sad moment, but sometimes you have to accept that things change. Okay, let's do this.

Play...

0:01 - Really enjoyed the cold open with Ron Swanson enjoying his typewriter, while everyone else bristles at the constant tapping. The only thing I wonder is if they meant for Ron to mess up by calling it "Electronic Bay.com" or if the writers actually don't know the E stands for Echo. Controversy!

0:02 - Crazy Ira and the Douche, SO much better than Tubby Tony and the Papaya.

0:03 - Although I want Community to win every Emmy for everything, I would be more than happy with Parks & Rec winning for writing if only for Rob Lowe's dialogue this season. Obviously everything else about the writing is spectacular, but so much care and attention goes into everything he says, like "you are exactly the person, that I most want to talk to, right at this moment." Other television characters might have some odd and funny lines thrown in, but they have to come up with a bizarrely specific, optimistic, and enthusiastic one-liner for just about every sentence that comes out of his mouth, and they pull it off every time.

0:04 - I said last season that I was okay with the will-they-won't-they thing with Andy and April because it was working for me. It has ceased to work this season. Her antagonizing Ann while she had the flu worked, because April lashes out at everyone constantly, except for Andy and Ron. Her response when Ron yelled at her was to quit and just avoid him. So while her avoiding Andy while pissed at him was understandable, the part about showing up with a Venezuelan boyfriend didn't make any sense, and her treatment of Andy has made her really unlikable. Luckily Andy hasn't really been dragged down by the storyline, because nothing can drag him down, so it's not like it's been completely unwatchable. I'm even a little excited to see him tackle her list of things she hates to do.

0:05 - "There's no time! He can FLY!"

0:08 - I LOVE Ben's backstory as Benji Wyatt, teen mayor of Partridge, Minnesota. I really wasn't expecting it to pop up again in the show, especially not in the major way it does in this episode. Supposedly that was of the early ideas for Leslie's backstory, but I'm so glad they decided to hold off on it. It would be too much of a constant yoke around her neck, since she's such a visible personality, but for a sad sack character like Ben it just fits perfectly. Also, big props to Adam Scott for out awkwarding even The Office with his stammering when his past comes up in the radio interview.

0:12 - I wish Leslie could do a newspaper interview 4 times an episode. Her "___? More like ____!" puns (like this episode's "Harvest Festival? More like Harvest BESTival!") crack me up every single time. Also a great touch that she always speaks to the tape recorder rather than Shauna the reporter, even going to far as to hold the recorder herself this time.

0:14 - "Oh really? Cause Brooks Brothers Boys doesn't make garbage."

0:15 - Nice subtle moment I didn't realize the first time around with April talking to Donna. She gets really defensive the moment Donna touches on how she's making Andy do all her work, but looking closer at her reaction it's obvious she's just waiting for someone to call her on it. She's not totally dedicated to being vindictive towards him, but it's yet another signal he's not picking up on. I feel slightly better about her now.
0:15 - Okay, making him rub Donna and Jerry's feet? Yikes. She's back in the doghouse for that one.

0:17 - Okay, even better than Ben's nervousness on the radio was his meltdown on Ya' herd? With Perd. Great decision to have it revealed via a video recording, since seeing Ben cover his face and try to disappear while everyone is watching made him sympathetic, while just seeing his reactions live would've only made him seem psychotic.

0:21 - April's younger sister looks about 4 years older than her.

0:22 - Once again, Andy saves another bit all by himself. Him showing up in his van and getting arrested would've been really clichéd if not for his dumb innocence once again shining through. "Are you trying to lure this young lady into your van?" "Yeah, but she's being really difficult about it. And, uh, it's actually not my van, I stole it, from a friend of mine. I technically shouldn't be even driving because my license is...crazy expired. He he."

0:23 - I also really enjoy how Tom is excellent at flattering women, but in exactly the way that would only work in a small town. Everything he says reminds me of, "oh, I'm sorry, I was looking for my girlfriend, not PAM DAWBER!" And that's the highest funny compliment praise I can give.

0:24 - "Ben Wyatt, Human Disaster" might be the most accurate title card in the history of local access television.

0:24 - Glad I figured out the "April was just waiting to get called out for how mean she is to Andy" thing before getting to the part where Ron did exactly that. Honestly, what would the world be without Ron Swanson?

0:26 - Ahh, sweet sweet redemption for Ben. I was expecting him to go on a warpath and start schooling caller after caller, but they did such a good job showing his abysmal performance up to that point that it didn't take much to seem like a completely turn around. Also very smart to have everyone look him up on Alta Vista, which I totally did use back in 1997. Just another small town quirk that I completely believe would actually be true of somewhere.

0:27 - "BOOM! Andy Dwyer!" That is the exact quote of me when April kissed him. I'm glad that storyline seems to be over, but I was even more glad for Andy; and that's why I refer to him as one of the best characters on television. If only Heroes had been filled with characters that great, maybe the crappy storylines wouldn't have been so unbearable.

0:30 - Great decision to finish off Ben's catharsis by having them rewatch his meltdown on Ya' Herd. Just as I said in my Community review that my dislike of Shirley stemmed from her having zero sense of humor about her past mistakes, I find Ben even more likable now after watching him take a bow over calling the harmless host "Turd Crapley."

Another strong showing from Parks & Rec, definitely pushed up a level by Adam Scott's performance. Things are moving forward, and it's a show that's very good at picking arcs. The first season focusing on the pit was a dud, but last year with the town's bankruptcy, and this year with the Harvest Festival have been great. They help govern the show so we don't end up with as much water treading or random tangent episodes like The Office has had a problem with the past few seasons. Looking forward to seeing where it goes next.

Status: *ding ding* Two thumbs up.

Perfect Couples: Perfect Crime

Ahh my first Perfect Couples review. Am I the only person covering this show who isn't being paid to? Oh well, I would've felt bad leaving it out.

Play...

0:07 - I know this show is not long for this world, and it's not like it's setting the world on fire, but I still enjoy it. The most encouraging part from a quality standpoint is how much I enjoy the characters, because it's unusual these days for a show to have no other hook than that. Think of the large ensembles and multiple side characters that pop into Community, The Office, 30 Rock, Parks & Rec, and Outsourced (at least from the minute or so I see of it before re-watching Community), but other than Vance and Dave's secretary and a pizza guy I can't think of another character who has had dialogue on this show. Yes, the groupings are kind of simple (the "normal" couple who serve as the entry point for all of us who like to think of ourselves as normal, the crazy repressed couple, and the crazy crazy couple who are too stormy and shouldn't be with anyone) but everyone plays their character so well; especially Vance and Rex, who I'll be very sad to lose from TV when this show is inevitably canceled to make room for Law & Order: Really REALLY Bad Rapes Division in the 10pm slot.

0:09 - Vance with food poisoning: "We didn't appreciate our good health when we had it. When I get better I'm going to appreciate it every day." I can't tell you how many hangovers I've had where I've made this exact oath.

0:09 - What I love about Rex as a character, and the performance that goes into him, is it's the first time I've ever seen someone pull off deadpan excitement. Rex doesn't react to anything, but you can still tell when he gets really excited for things, and they're always such childish things. Like his obsession with having a man cave to blow off steam, when he has no steam to blow off, or how in this episode he takes every opportunity to suggest they start pranking each other. It should be grating to have two man-children on the same show, since that's what Vance and Rex are, but they still manage to be total opposites. Rex is always in control emotionally, to the point of seeming cold and lifeless, but still sees Adam Sandler movies as a template for male bonding. Vance is constantly a needy emotional wreck, but dissects situations with enough awareness and maturity to convince himself that he's above Rex's foolishness, even though he always ends up with more drama than a high school sophomore.

0:10 - The part about Dave accidentally undermining himself by buying Julia an iPhone really made me laugh. It's a fully understandable issue, to buy someone a gadget that's better than you at everything that made you feel needed. That sets up the conflict in his story for this episode, and I think it's the set-ups that these shows always falter on. The issues couples have on sitcoms are so thin and unrealistic, because if you get too real than you run the risk of it not being fun anymore. It's only been a few episodes, but so far Perfect Couples has walked that fine line...wait...wait for it...perfectly. See what I did there???

0:16 - Again, in the flashback to Rex's Mad Men party, Dave jokingly tells Julia to make him a drink and slaps her on the butt, tries to play it cool, but immediately asks Vance, "is she laughing?" There's a difference between the awkward joke that fails to endear you to someone, and the bad joke to the person you love that's going to lead to backlash rather than embarrassment. Typically in a sitcom the husband would make a fool of himself to one of his wife's friends, because that's an easier joke to write. This show didn't take the easy route and stuck to its guns that it's a show about couples, and I appreciate it for that effort.

0:17 - "That wasn't the stomach flu, you FOOD POISONED US! That seersucker suit is awesome!" Another thing I enjoy about Vance, as much as he wants to keep the pressure on Leigh to get her to admit she made everyone sick he still can't hold back on complimenting the outfit she's suggesting.

0:18 - I've been shocked at how much I like Rex and Leigh on this show. From the previews I assumed it was the usual "he's spineless and whipped, she's mean and cold" dynamic, but that's not them at all. The scene where they both eat Leigh's expired summer rolls to prove they're safe, even when they know they aren't, really sums them up. At first it seems like Rex is merely jumping on a grenade for his wife, and you'd expect her to use him and let him go right ahead and make himself sick. Instead his defiant attitude towards the badly rotten seafood is such a touching symbol of love to her that she jumps right in and eats one too. They're weirdly selfish while also being weirdly caring towards others, they're weirdly naive and aloof while also being oddly wise and indisputably successful. They work, and they're really interesting.

0:20 - Am I the only person in the world who isn't freaked out by possums? What's so terrifying about them? Then again, I refuse to be freaked out by any mammals. I mean, we're all part of the same family, right?

0:23 - "Is this possum here as the result of a classic prank? Aww, it should be! We should start pranking each other!"

So Dave and Julia conquer the possum together, and learn that they don't have "man" stuff and "woman" stuff but just "our" stuff. Aww. And Rex got pranked when they put the possum in his mailbox! His childish glee over it was a nice way to end.

Was it a half hour of television that will change the world? No. But there's a lot of crap on TV these days, so I'll cling to a show I enjoy with all my strength.

Status: *ding* 1 thumb up.

Community: Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking

This week we find out what happened to Pierce after his drug binge with a tiny, imaginary Andy Dick. We also get clear pictures of many of our characters to remind us of their defining traits. Oh, and Jordie from Star Trek shows up and is surprisingly hilarious.

Play...

0:01 - Abed mentioning that the documentary format is easier because you can have people explain things directly to the camera was a risky move, since it seemed to take aim not only at Community's inexplicable rivalry last season with Modern Family, but also at NBC mainstays The Office and Parks & Recreation.

0:04 - This is a difficult thing to admit, but I don't like Shirley. It all stems from how gruff she was during the trip to the bar on Troy's birthday. Her complete inability to own up to her drunken mistakes just seemed so unfair and ugly to me, and I don't think she ever got any consequences for that. Her story in this episode, relating to her paranoia about the CD of what the group said behind her back was the first Shirley story I've fully enjoyed since the ugliness at the bar because it falls within the realm of what I buy about Shirley, that she uses her "niceness" as a weapon. To me that's much more entertaining and interesting than throwing melodramatic hissy fits over a drunken picture.

0:05 - Speaking of unusual weapons, who knew Pierce could do so much damage with checks? First becoming Annie's puppetmaster after paying her rent, now shaking Britta to her core with a blank check that can either go to charity or in her own bank account if she so chooses.
0:05 - "Me and Abed have an agreement, if one of us dies we stage it to look like a suicide caused by the unjust cancellation of Firefly. We're gonna get that show back on the air buddy!"

0:07 - "I'm not one to hold grudges Jeffrey. My father held grudges...I'll always hate him for that." The fact that Jeff rejects Pierce's game, by walking in ahead of Annie, who Pierce had summoned, then attempts to "nip this in the bud" and stop the craziness speaks to what I think makes him such an effective lead character. Abed might be great at defining situations and comparing them to similar instances in pop culture, but Jeff can also see what's going on, and what's coming, even when everyone else remains wrapped up in it. Abed is happy as an onlooker, and enjoys the zaniness, while Jeff always tries to skip the zaniness and get right to the resolution. It even goes all the way back to his fake law degree which is his reason for being at Greendale to begin with. He's smart enough to get a real one, but doesn't feel like he'll gain anything from that journey, so he skips to the resolution of having a (fake) degree. His core character trait might seem like a preference for being disengaged, but really it stems from always wanting to skip any kind of development or growth because he's convinced he already knows how it'll turn out anyway, so why waste time? The craziness of the other characters prevents this, because they all either need or want the slow burn of that journey, so Jeff ends up stuck on the slow path too. His development on the show comes in the moments when he buys into the journey, not because he'll learn a lesson (he almost always knows what that lesson is going to be, or at least fully believes he does) but because it's important to the others, and sometimes even becomes important to him.

0:12 - The best Jeff/Britta scene since...Antropology? This whole review seems to be turning into a discussion of each individual character and their traits, and I think that's okay because that's what the whole episode is about. Pierce's "bequeathments" are perfectly tailored to the destroy these characters, so we end up with many reminders about who these people are. The key to Britta isn't so much her self-delusion about what a self-less, thoughtful liberal she is, it's how easily she can get others to pay along with how she presents herself. There's a concept in communication called a Performance Team, which is when a group works together to put forth or maintain an impression or context despite whatever insider information they might have undermining it. Best example is the waitstaff in a restaurant, they might all know they're miserable and jaded, but it's in their interest to work together to present the image that they're chipper, friendly, and dedicated. Britta relies on the formation of performance teams ALL the time. She isn't looking for validation or reassurance, she just needs people who are willing to help her seem like the cool, enlightened person she wants to be. She and Jeff work as a comedy team because of his constant refusal to form a performance team with her, which is the easiest way to cause her to break character and reveal the selfish person she really is. When she tries to role-play as his Dad she immediately opens her arms for a hug, indicating that this is going to be a positive interaction. Jeff responds by rejecting to form a team to perform the skit she has suggested. He flips it around on her, pretending to be her Dad, a subtle way of saying, "I bet you think your Dad is an asshole, so let's see how positive YOUR meeting with him would be." The moments I think Britta is at her best is when she's trying to save face (meaning the act of preserving or repairing the image of yourself you've been presenting after it has come under question or attack) because she is terrible at it. When Jeff reveals that their imaginary meeting of the Dads has been taking place in Iran all along, Britta tries to reclaim mastery of the context by dropping her (shaky) political knowledge and bringing up the green zone. Jeff points out that's in Iraq, and Britta lashes out with the very un-enlightened, un-PC "well what do I know? I'm Jeff Wingers dumb gay Dad!" and turns away, pouting.

0:13 - First off, Donald Glover going catatonic is hilarious, and him crying is even funnier, so putting them together was gold. The essence of Troy is his sense of wonder about the world, but it doesn't make him a mindless optimist like Kenneth the Page. Things that cause wonder also cause intimidation, and while Troy has a child-like sense of wonder, he has an equally child-like feeling of inadequacy in the face of how intimidating the world is. So it makes complete, heartbreaking sense that he would be afraid to meet LeVar Burton because he couldn't imagine seeming like anything but a disappointment to so wonderful a figure.

0:13 - "I give you permission to weep." "I'm...crying on the inside." "Gross." I will never EVER feel the same way about that expression ever again.

0:14 - "And don't you DARE intercut this with footage of me freaking out!" My biggest criticism with all the mocumentaries on TV these days is that they don't use the reality of their concept enough. Very rarely on The Office does the production crew factor in or have real interaction with the characters. Off the top of my head I can think of the cameraman alerting Pam to Dwight eating a candy bar Angela had bought in "E-Mail Surveillance," and the crew confronting Jim and Pam with footage of them kissing and driving home together when they claimed to not be dating in "Fun Run." (Yes, I remembered both of those without having to look them up, including the episode titles) My point is, the characters don't often comment on their place or presentation on the show, even though that would surely be on their mind while being recorded. Luckily, since Community is just visiting the genre, they can play with it a bit more overtly, and we get Jeff's attempt to foil Abed's sure intention to undermine his claim that he's fine.

0:15 - "Are these blood diamonds? Are they holocaust diamonds?!" There's less to say about Annie in this episode, because her bequeathment is the only one that isn't an attack on her character. A good deal of the laughs that come from Annie are due to Alison Brie's unmatched ability to be instantly horrified by things. Annie's neurosis and concerns aren't a slippery slope, they're a sheer cliff face.

0:16 - Britta's mention that she's a horrible person because if the camera wasn't on her she would've made the check out to herself and kept the 10 grand speaks to the overall drama of the episode; the documentary format traps everyone as who they claim to be. Britta has to be selfless, Shirley has to be forgiving, Jeff has to be calm and detached, and Pierce has to be invulnerable. In the traditional format of the show, where the camera doesn't exist, they could give in to their true opinions and urges. So really it's Pierce's decision to document his bequeathing, and the format that creates, that leads to the drama more than Pierce's actions. How f'n smart is this show? Now we just need critics to do some actual work and realize that the format and genre changes aren't just shallow gimmicks.
0:18 - Another unusual thing to see in a sitcom was Jeff's warning to Pierce that if the "I found your father" routine was just a sick joke that he would beat him, and it wouldn't be wacky or madcap. We've seen violence on the show before, but it's always been wacky and madcap and safe. Jeff's acknowledgement of that added stakes and serious consequences to Pierce's little game and made things feel unsafe. That's pretty unusual for a sitcom.

0:23 - Thank goodness for LeVar Burton! "It's not that I'm selfish, it's just that I'm really stupid with my money!" is Britta's excited reaction to LeVar's 'complisult.'" Of course, what she's really excited about is the fact that he saved face for her, the thing she is always incapable of doing. Also, "thank God he didn't take it, can you imagine bouncing a check to Kunta Kinte?" is my favorite Britta line ever.

0:25 - One of my other favorite things about Community is its devotion to arcs, continuity, and call-backs. The fact that Pierce could refer to actual events on the show as justification for his revenge on the group (including the secret trampoline) feels much more rewarding than if the writers had just conveniently come up with a set of humorous, but unseen events for him to mention.

0:27 - Again, at the end Abed sums up the episode by summing up the documentary format, in case anyone didn't notice that being the dramatic conflict all along. He also made sure to point out he wasn't knocking the documentary format by pointing out its advantages. So put down your pitchforks The Office and Parks & Rec!

0:30 - "Oh well, more fish for Kunta."

Overall another fantastic episode from Community, and possibly the best evidence yet that, at its heart, this is a show about media, even if it discusses that via a set of lovable losers at a community college. Can't wait to see what they come up with next.

Status: *ding, ding, ding* Three thumbs up.

The Greatest Commercial of All Time of the Day - Dead Island

I feel bad for whoever directed this trailer, because it has everything going against it. It's a trailer for something, even worse it's a trailer for a video game, even worse it's a trailer for a violent video game, even worse it's a trailer for a survival horror video game, even worse the thing you're trying to survive is zombies.

Forget for a minute that this is a trailer for anything, and just think of it as a short film. Put it in that context, and judge it on that merit.



When I saw a link to this trailer yesterday I passed it over, because when you see "awesome game trailer!" it's like seeing "awesome Michael Bay trailer!" you kind of know what you're going to get. Then today I saw someone refer to it as art, and figured it was worth checking out. Like I said, judge this as a short film and it's amazing.

It doesn't make me want to play the game, you need a whole other preview to get me to do that. This trailer takes something we've become so overexposed to, zombie violence, and makes us look at it anew. Not that in its pieces it's anything groundbreaking. We've all heard sad piano and strings, we've all seen backwards slow motion used for tragic situations, we've all heard silence broken by chaos; but on the whole, this was something new.

I saw some comments compare it to the Gears of War ad with "Mad World" stirring in the background. That had all the trappings of melancholy, but was still using it to set the player up at the badass. There's nothing badass about the Dead Island trailer, and that's unique when zombie-anything runs on badassness these days. Often with zombie content we're shown a ravaged society of abandoned cars and run down buildings and meant to take that as tragedy. Tragedy that big can be incomprehensible though; it's why movies center on a small number of characters for a poignant death, because watching hundreds get gunned down just can't register the same way.

The Dead Island trailer has one death, and it's the first thing we see. It's not a shock or a twist, it's the inevitability that colors the rest of the piece. She's just too far away, the zombies are just too fast, her parents are just too slow. It's one death, but is far more relateable and tragic than seeing Atlanta abandoned in The Walking Dead.

Everything had to be well crafted for it to not seem cheap and cliched to show the happy family at the end. That's the progression though, or regression. We see the girl's last moments at the resort to begin and see her first moments there at the end. Jumbling the continuity isn't just stylish, it jumbles us and heightens us even as the tragedy moves in slow motion. The real payoff of moving backwards comes when the continuity intersects, as the moment the daughter is "rescued" becomes a moment of duality. Yes, we know he is reaching towards her and brings her inside the room and the image is merely moving backwards, but the reversal redefines that moment because the image is true as it is; in that moment he is losing her. That's powerful stuff for a commercial.

This game may end up being a huge disappointment, but whoever made this trailer has made a legitimate piece of art. They have created a 3 minute zombie movie more powerful than ones that last 2 hours, and I think that should be applauded.