Play...
0:04 - The pre-taped segment to start went well, as it always should. If you screw that part up then God help you for the rest of it. One really distracting part was Anne Hathaway trying to do the accents in the different movies while James Franco remained James Franco. Seems like either they both become characters in the movie or stay themselves, but here they seemed like they were in completely different skits; it would become a theme for their performance.
0:05 - See? No British accent for either in the King's Speech segment, made more sense.
0:07 - "You have a time machine, and you want to go to the present?" Remember that Anne said this, because it's another theme of the night. Also, I LOVE Back to the Future, and I know it's the 25th anniversary, but it seemed odd to have skits for modern nominated films that ends with one from Back to the Future.
0:08 - "Oh my gosh, you're all real!" Why do celebrities always question the reality of the situation as their go-to joke on awards shows? Is it because they're used to being chemically altered?
0:09 - The best exchange/joke of the night from the hosts, which actually gave me hope at the time:
Anne: [regarding James being nominated] So, are you nervous?
James: Ahh, no.
Anne: Come on, you must want to win a little bit.
James: I mean, I don't know, what do you get if you win.
Anne: You, you get an Oscar.
James: Yeah, but do I like, get money with it, or...
Anne: No, you get prestige.
James: Oh.
Anne: For the rest of your life, everyone will refer to you as Academy Award Winner James Franco.
James: What do you mean everyone? Like, even my Mom?
What's sad is that it turns out their best joke of the night turned out to just be a set-up for a stupid joke involving their Moms and Grandmothers in the audience. Which involved a Marky Mark joke which Hathaway quickly followed up with, "that's actually Oscar nominee Mark Walberg, and we loved his film The Fighter. [applause applause applause]"
Nooooo fucking wonder these people hated Ricky Gervais. They made the most timid, innocent joke about Marky Mark (and don't correct people, he actually IS Marky Mark, sorry if you want to forget it dude) and immediately have to follow it up with what is essentially an apology. I'm guessing this show was a response to him, and in that case it only makes his performance look even better.
0:12 - WTF Moment #1: Immediately following the monologue with some snippets of music and a picture from Gone With the Wind. Then Tom Hanks comes out and talks about Gone With the Wind and desperately attempts to link it to the awards he's about to present. What purpose did this serve? No clue. Yes, the Young and Hip Oscars begin with a random reference to an embarrassingly racist movie from 70 years ago.
0:13 - Now some random scenes from Titanic, apparently to show us what cinematography is. Except they never, you know, explained any of it, and followed it up with the award for set decoration.
0:22 - WTF Moment #2: Putting Kirk Douglas on the stage alone. I'm guessing the idea was to show everyone that Kirk Douglas is currently still alive, and that's great, and good on him for continuing to live. Unfortunately there are a billion people watching, and it can get pretty awkward watching a man not long for this world slurring through jokes and pick-up lines that require timing. Have him say nice things, have him tell a simple joke, don't stick him out there with Conan O'Brien's material minus the humor. His delaying of the announcement of the winner by saying "you know..." and starting another story was funny, but as soon as he started telling another story it went back to stressful and terrifying. Having someone else out there with him would've done wonders. Also, I can't be the only person worried that he'd announce the winner and no one would understand who it was.
0:27 - If you ever want to know how long 5 minutes can seem, watch these 5 minutes.
0:28 - Again, if there was someone else there THEY could have given Melissa Leo her Oscar while Douglas was helped off the stage. Instead we get Leo asking Douglas to pinch her (again, the implication that this is not real) and he laugh manically and does just that, which leads to a conversation between them. IT'S HER FUCKING OSCAR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH! GET HIM OFF THE STAGE! Oh Thank God, someone came and got him.
0:29 - Speaking of fucking, nice f-bomb by Melissa Leo. In fact, nice crazy acceptance speech by her. I've heard winning an Oscar described as finding out you're pregnant, having the baby, and having to give a presentation about it in front of a billion people, all in the same second, so I prefer to give people a break. My Mom on the other hand gets super pissed off if people's emotions rise above "Dame Judy Dench."
0:31 - Man, the look on that poor male model's face when Melissa Leo pulled Kirk Douglas's cane away to make a joke about how she was so flustered that she needed it. That's going to be an extra special "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!" moment when she watches the recording tomorrow.
0:33 - My high school-self would jump off a bridge to hear me say this, but Justin Timberlake is hilarious and charming and should NEVER host this show because it needs him a lot more than he needs to be dragged down by it. Funniest line of the night? When Mila Kunis was about to read their nominees and he leaned in and said "you know..." in a spot-on reference to the craziness that just went on with Kirk Douglas. Well played man who is better at everything than I will ever be at anything. Also, how drunk was Mila Kunis?
0:42 - WTF Moment #3: A call-back to the very first Oscar ceremony. Okay Oscars, I get what you're doing, it's a little retrospective. Guess what, you get to do those on 10s and 5s at the VERY most. It's the 83rd Oscars, you don't get to reminisce.
0:46 - Aaron Sorkin looks like the teacher in high school would demand to be treated like an Ivy League professor.
0:55 - AWFUL SEGMENT. Not even going to call it a WTF Moment. First off, the "things have gone wrong and we're just going to wing it *WINK WINK*" joke song? Has that ever worked on an awards ceremony? Secondly, you can't base a segment around mentioning Hugh Jackman so much that people remember how well his show went and think your's is of the same quality (ps: that show written by Dan Harmon of Community fame). Third, cheap but nicely done with the Charlie Sheen joke with Franco in a dress claiming to have just gotten a text from him. Anne Hathaway didn't immediately apologize and talk about how much she loves his work though, so he's fallen pretty far.
0:57 - And the award for most randomly attractive winner goes to the Danish woman who won best documentary short. Yowza.
1:00 - Just want to mention that Batman, The Hulk, and Hawkeye are all up for best supporting actor. Pretty impressive.
1:04 - Christian Bale, possibly best speech of the night. Although, maybe it was the beard, but it reminded me a lot of when his character is drunk in the restaurant in The Prestige.
1:09 - Did they hire Hathaway just to put her in dresses and change her hair all night?
1:10 - WTF Moment #4: Hey, let's play the Star Wars theme to demonstrate sound! Now here's a few bars of Lawrence of Arabia! A little E.T.! And finally...West Side Story? I think? Either way, it's a good thing no movies from this year had musical scores that you might be awarding in a few moments. Oh, nevermind, here they are. Here's my point though: let's talk about the movies from THIS year. So much of this show was focused on yesteryear. That's fine for an anniversary year, but my college yearbook isn't filled with people from 70 years ago, it's dedicated to my class. This is 2010's class of films, maybe pay some attention to them on their night?
1:14 - "Wow, is this...really happening?" - Trent Reznor. Again, I can only chalk this up to extended periods of intoxication.
1:16 - Scarlett Johansson likes the way she says the word "sound" and they made it into a bit. She's divorced, how depressing is that?
1:25 - Okay, now make-up is being introduced with a discussion of Lord of the Rings. I'm not giving this one a WTF because those movies came out within the past ten years, and the presenter (Cate Blanchette) was in them. Guess that would've been hard with Gone With the Wind since they're all dead. Maybe that's why you pick more recent ones.
1:32 - See, prefacing the songs category with "man on the street" interviews with people talking about their favorites would've made more sense if they had done it for the other categories too. That would've worked! Ask people about beautiful landscapes and stick that before cinematography. Ask them about crazy sets for art direction. Don't tell people what movies they remember, ask them.
1:35 - Hey! It's Chuck! Shaky start for him. Was he aware that they'd make a Disney Prince sing too? Or did he assume it was only Princesses when he took the role.
1:42 - Good thing Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't read things aloud for a living...oh. Seriously, I'm afraid to make fun of him in case it turns out that a family member had just died backstage.
1:47 - Well done to Luke Matheny for being excited. That's what we want! He was youthful, and even gave a shout out to the thank you cam backstage. A meaningful technology reference. Also well done to James Franco for his "NYU, what's up!" after Matheny's shout out to NYU Film School. Stand by your alma mater people, even if you get into an Ivy League school later.
1:48 - Autotune joke! Less meaningful technology reference. You're the Oscars and you were outdone by the Autotune the News kids.
1:49 - Find some way to see James Franco's face after Anne Hathaway's "I get to wear a dress that does this!" dance. He CANNOT STAND being around her. I think that may have affected their chemistry.
1:59 - Now Billy Crystal is talking about Bob Hope? Oh, and we're getting a retrospective of the first televised Oscars, because that's...relevant. Also, remember this for trivia contests: what do Bob Hope and Will.i.am have in common? They've both been fake holograms on national television.
2:02 - How much money is Robert Downey Jr. being offered to host this show next year?
2:02 - Grrr, visual effects is my first pissed of category of the night. Hereafter? You were REALLY that desperate to get a nomination for a Clint Eastwood movie? You couldn't have thrown a bone to Scott Pilgrim vs. The World for, you know, innovating? Oh well, no place at the Young and Hip Oscars for a movie that is the first to truly incorporate the media that kids in the past 30 years have grown up with.
2:03 - "Well, I'm, uh, pretty sure that top is still spinning." Et tu visual effects guy from Inception? I believe the drugs excuse a lot less with you.
2:11 - If you here anyone complaining about how James Franco had no energy and a robotic delivery please remind them that that's James Franco, and the Academy knew that when they hired him. There's also a chance this is a part of the big performance art project that is his life.
2:15 - I bet people who sing karaoke with Gwyneth Paltrow tell her she's really good.
2:18 - Upon a second watch, I'd give Randy Newman second best speech behind Christian Bale, followed by short film guy. It really is more interesting when people don't do thank you lists though.
2:22 - Almost a WTF Moment: Celine Dion walking onto the stage, but it turns out it was for the In Memoriam.
2:24 - Okay, WTF Moment #5: Cutting back to Celine in the middle of the reel. Is she dead? No? Then GTFO.
2:25 - WTF Moment #6: Halle Berry's book report on Lena Horne. Kind of shitty for all the other people who died and weren't even allowed to get applause. Was this to make up for how you reference Gone With the Wind every single year? Sorry Black people! It was this or nominate Tyler Perry for something.
2:33 - Still don't understand how Tom Hooper won best director. He shouldn't have even been mentioned in the same sentence as Chris Nolan, and he wasn't even nominated! And I liked The King's Speech for the record, but it's British Period Piece #2 from the playbook, hardly a challenge. Oh, and I couldn't argue with most of the winners tonight, which is very unusual for me.
2:37 - WTF Moment #7: Giving Kirk Douglas 5 minutes to ramble, but just having the honorary Oscar recipients (who can all speak normally) walk out and wave.
2:49 - I've been hard on Anne Hathaway tonight so I'll admit that her "FLUB, drink at home" line after screwing up made me laugh.
2:51 - Jeff Bridges is the new Jack Nicholson at the Oscars, except I like him A LOT more.
2:53 - I get the feeling Jesse Eisenberg is going to be the next Sean Penn. By which I mean he got his start in raunchy teen comedies, takes himself too seriously, and will become increasingly insufferable. Prove me wrong buddy.
2:55 - Like I said, my Mom loves Dame Judy Dench speeches so she'll love Colin Firth's. I thought it was boring and made me wish someone else had won it because it seems like anyone else would've been happier to get it. Except Eisenberg, who would've tried to take a stance on something. I'm just kidding Firth, I'm happy you won.
Okay, that's where TiVo runs out because the show ran long, but nothing else happens really. The Young and Hip Oscars overlooks another emotional touchstone from Pixar (Toy Story 3), a truly inventive heist film with the first breathtaking visual effects since Lord of the Rings, or possibly The Matrix (Inception), and a movie about a world changing development that has quite possibly started 6 revolutions in the past 2 months that had been waiting for 40 years in some cases (The Social Network) and gave best picture to a British period piece that will be impossible or anyone to place in 10 years.
I guess that's the big question for Oscar's future; is it a nostalgic circle jerk for all involved, or is it an attempt to represent the year in film? Currently they seem to be trying to have it both ways, and that's not going to work. Something I thought they did well last year was the montages for each genre which summed up the year in film, including popular films that weren't nominated. It helped everyone feel like their tastes were represented in the broadcast, and I think that's a much better usage of time than fawning over Gone With the Wind AGAIN.
A problem is brewing in Best Picture again after they seemingly fixed it by expanding the nominees. A few years ago people complained about The Dark Knight being left out, so they expanded the list to 10 to include non-traditional contenders like District 9 and Up. Here's the problem, you've made the same mistake as the BCS. When the BCS started letting in people like TCU and Boise State they seemed to think that would get everyone off their backs. The trouble is that seeing the outsiders compete at a high level makes people want to see them truly get a shot at the big prize. So here's your problem Oscars, when you nominate Pixar again, or The Dark Knight Rises in a few years, after a while you're going to have to give a statue to someone of their ilk. Are you ready to be that relevant? Because judging from tonight's show, you aren't.
Status: *bong, bong, bong* Three Thumbs Down
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