Why am I watching a Twilight movie? Because I've seen the first two, and I will warn you right now that once you start down that rabbit hole there is no turning back. I watched Twilight once when it was On-Demand, aka through my cable box (sorry Tivo), because I wanted...nay...NEEDED to see what had led to such a cultural phenomenon that Hot Topic might just pass Wal-Mart. What followed was one of the worst acting, writing, and directing performances I've ever seen.
It was the Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen of romance, and I say that not just because that's another terrible movie, but because both are enlighteningly terrible. Transformers 2 gives you a Being John Malkovich-style journey into the mind of a Maxim magazine subscriber, an avvid Spike TV viewer, the person who questions your sexuality on X-Box Live, a 13 year old male. You can get the same thing at 3am any week night on Comedy Central as they show an edited version of National Lampoon's Generic College Gross-Out Sex Comedy #12. Twilight is one of the few non-horse-based movies that lays bare the equivalent embarrassing generic fantasy for women. From the trailer it looks like Monte Carlo is gunning for the title a bit, but "shopping porn" movies like that still get dirty looks from women who wish to be complicated. Twilight throws off the shackles of materialism, and tries SO hard to make Bella, the main character, some angsty, strong, substantial ideal for the true woman. It fails. It fails SPECTACULARLY. So follow me down the rabbit hole to watch characters, plots, and dialogue smash together and disintegrate in a brilliant explosion that reveals so much about the imaginations and fantasies that formed them. Truly, the Twilight Saga is the Large Hadron Collider of juveline female fantasy.
Play...
0:01 - Okay, someone is dead in the rain. I hope that wasn't too important because I started recording late and missed it. If I've learned anything from this movies it's that it wasn't that important. Also, when the super dramatic eclipse themed main title came up I couldn't decide whether to do the Heroes noise in my head, or try to imagine a crowd of 40-something women whooping excitedly. It seemed designed for whooping so I went with that.
0:02 - Bella and Edward (the vampire guy, in case you're lucky enough not to know) are sitting in a field of flowers as she reads poetry in preparation for her English final. He repeatedly kisses her and strokes her hair, because he obviously has nothing of importance to be doing, unlike her. She says she has to focus on studying...which is why students always flee the library during the finals week to buckle down in fields of flowers.
0:03 - Edward wants to get married, Bella thinks it's just a "piece of paper" and wants to be turned into a vampire instead. Feminist ROARRRR #1: Marriage is for wusses, not for me, I'm strong.
0:04 - Kristen Stewart bit her lip 5 times during that three minute scene. Oh you better believe I'm keeping a running count. Also she has to go home so she leaves Edward in the field. Um, is he just going to stay there? Why couldn't he walk her home? He had NOTHING else to do but kiss her and stroke her hair, why does he stay in the field?!
0:04 - *SMACK!* That was exposition slapping you right across the face. It happens a lot in these movies. Like right now when it cuts to Bella's sheriff Dad holding a newspaper with the giant headline "MURDERS, DISAPPEARANCES. POSSIBLE WORK OF A SERIAL KILLER. Yet another victim found in a Georgetown Alley."
0:05 - "You know why I'm grounding you right?"
"I know, I put you through hell"
"Yes you did. But I have other reasons...for grounding you."
The dialogue in these movies is mostly made up of topic sentences.
0:05 - For the record, Bella's Dad is a great character because he's always drinking, and I'm not 100% sure he's scripted to always be drinking because the guy playing him always seems to be drunk. I like to think he just kept bringing beer to the set and the director figured it wasn't important to argue with him about it. By the way, Bella has almost died a couple of times, and disappeared to Italy in the last movie after going into hiding. Not sure which of those was the "put you through hell" reference, but she only got grounded for it.
0:06 - Feminist ROARRRR #2: Bella drives a beat-up old truck instead of a Toyota Yaris, or Mini Cooper, or VW Beetle Convertable. I drive a guys car, what up NOW society?! I'm strong!
0:08 - The first thing that drew me to how oddly terrible these movies are is how interesting Bella's friends at school are. They're the best actors in the whole series, their scenes are always enjoyable, and they actually seem like they're in high school. Edward and the vampires all look like teachers, but no one seems to notice. Also, you're supposed to think Bella's high school friends are super lame, even though they're interesting and nothing but nice to her. I'm guessing this is so the edgy outsiders who shop at Hot Topic don't have to feel included, even when popular people are being nice and engaging with them.
0:09 - Edward's "sister" Alice can have visions of the future, because these movies add "every plot device ever used" to the traditional list of vampire powers. Oh, and they drive Volvos, that's another super power.
0:10 - Edward: Oh...Bella? My parents wanted to remind you about the airline tickets you got for your birthday.
Drunk Dad: What airline ticket?
Bella: Ah...a roundtrip ticket to see Mom in Florida.
Drunk Dad: Well...that was generous.
Edward: They expire soon, so you might want to use it this weekend.
*SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK!
0:12 - "The way he watches you...it's like he's willing to leap in front of you and take a bullet or something." Oh my God, just when I think we reached the depths of dialogue, we find a trench. Her Mom said this by the way, while Edward is creepily staring at her sunbathe through a window. Because that's ALWAYS what parents think when creepy dudes leer at their daughter, that he's so brave and devoted. Feminist ROARRRRR #3: Dad, who is around him all the time and is a dude himself, doesn't get Edward. Mom, who lives 4000 miles away, automatically understands the entire relationship. Because women are emotionally smart at a level bordering on omnicense, because they're so strong!
0:12 - "we're just..." "In love. I get it!" *SMACK!* That one was from character development, to show that Mom gets it. In case her correctly describing their relationship didn't already let you know that.
0:15 - Holy shit, the vampires were all just randomly standing in the woods like an Abercrombie/LL Bean crossover, when Bryce Dallas Howard came sprinting by. Was the Lady in the Water set nearby or something?
0:17 - Edward: If I asked you to stay in the car, would you? (gets out) (Bella gets out too) Of course not. Feminist ROARRRRR #4: I do what I want BITCH cause I'm strong!
0:19 - And the first appearance of Jason the Red Ranger! I mean Jacob, who is a wolf, and apparently a 9 year old who made a wish like Tom Hanks in BIG and turned into Taylor Lautner overnight. Or maybe his voice and acting ability just make it seem like that. Bella just got on a dirtbike with him and rode off, even though it's been established that this is the first they've spoken in weeks, and Bryce Dallas Howard is some sort of super vampire here to kill her. Uh oh, I think someone's going to get grounded for almost being murdered again!
0:19 - For the record, the fact that the werewolves are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS shirtless and in jeans never fails to make me laugh. Roll your eyes at men making movies featuring women in bikinis all you want ladies, we'll always have shirtless werewolves in jeans.
0:21 - "Wolf telepathy, remember?" ...no? Holy shit, did they give everyone in these movies telepathy so they wouldn't have to write conversations for them and everyone could just say out loud what they others are feeling so no one has to act? Stephanie Meyer is an idiotic genius!
0:22 - "Imprinting is like...when you see her...everything changes. It's not gravity holding you to the planet anymore. It's her." Now do you believe me about the Transformers 2 of romance? Think about that line for five seconds. Life makes a little less sense now, doesn't it?
0:24 - Going to apologize to Taylor Lautner, he has improved by leaps and bounds since the first two movies. Get this guy a sidekick role in an action movie, STAT!
0:25 - Things were supposd to be tense and dramatic because there was some new vampire going through Bella's room and walking around the house. The soundtrack was even tense strings! I'm struggling to figure out the difference between what that vampire was doing and what Edward is always doing
0:26 - Vampire Dad: Someone's orchestrating this
Bella: Victoria?
Alice: I would've seen her decide.
Edward: It has to be the Volturi
Alice: I don't think it's the Volturi either. I've been watching Aro's decisions too.
PLOT DEVICE POWERS ACTIVATE *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK!
0:27 - Edward and Jacob are arguing about Jacob protecting Bella from her non-Edwardian stalker when Bella yells "Stop! I'm tired of this. From now on I'm SWITZERLAND okay?!" Feminist ROARRRRR #5: I'm a country now, I'm strong. That's what she meant, right?
0:29 - Jacob: So, what did you want to do today? Bike? Hike? Hang? Your call. But we're going to a party tonight. *BOOM! IT'S IMMEDIATELY NIGHTTIME* That cut wasn't distracting at all.
0:30 - The party is a tribal meeting where they're going to talk about their secret tribal histories, Jacob explains that Bella is the first outsider EVER to hear them. So in case you're keeping score, she is so vital, special, and important that the werewolves and vampires form an alliance to protect her when they spend the rest of their time killing each other, and now she's the first outsider EVER to hear these sacred tribal histories. Did I already mention that all her friends are more successful and interesting than her?
0:32 - Feminist ROARRRR #6: The Native American tribe was saved from vampires by the chief's second wife. Even though she couldn't turn into a wolf and her only magic power was estrogen. She was pretty strong, or something.
0:35 - Vampire Dad: I'm surprised the Volturi let it go on this long.
Edward: Maybe they're behind it. In Italy, I read Aro's mind. He wants me and Alice to join him, but he knows we'll never choose him as long as our family's alive. *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK! Seriously, I think they're just starting to read the plot synopsis in the first person.
0:40 - Feminist ROARRRRR #7: Jacob kisses Bella, she punches him in the face. Why? Because slapping is for pussies! Also she broke her hand doing it, because apparently dogs are made of stone now? I'm confused, but in fairness I've never punched my dog in the face...
0:42 - One of the vampire ladies has a problem with Bella, so they talk it out head-on. Because if there's one thing teen girls are famous for, it's confronting relationship problems head-on.
0:45 - I'm really curious how long it took Stephanie Meyer to come up with "the vampire woman with a chip on her shoulder about Bella was turned after her fiance and his friends left her to die in the street after raping her" or if she just took it from the "horrible things no one would ever wish on anyone" handbook. It does kind of put Bella's "OMG I think Edward's totally cute so I want 2 b a vampire 2!" problems in perspective, but I don't really expect that they'll run with that. I will say that having a rapist be mauled to death by a vampire is something I will never argue with. Well done Twilight, you finally got me!
0:47 - "There's nothing I'm ever going to want more than Edward." Umm, when I was 18 I wanted to go to Quinnipiac instead of UNH. Now you couldn't pay me enough money to do that.
0:48 - Just a heads up, the ultimate threat in these movies is Dakota Fanning and a guy with a Justin Bieber haircut.
0:50 - Anna Kendrick just gave a one minute graduation speech that may or may not have been from a different movie. Kristen Stewart bit her lip 3 times in that minute, but that only brings her up to 11 so far.
0:51 - The wolves just showed up to a graduation party at the vampires' house and they're all wearing shirts. Now nothing funny is happening. Weak!
0:53 - Apparently the non-Edwardian stalker has formed a crazy vampire army to kill Bella. The vampires and the wolves are fretting over how to protect her. One group is immortal, the other is a highly secretive Native American tribe at war with them, and she's purposefully designed to be unremarkable. Realistically, the best she could hope for is being tied to a tree on the outskirts of town while everyone goes back to their normal business. Obviously that's not the plan they go with.
0:54 - Edward just showed up in a Jeep. Volvo owns Jeep? Now I'm confused again.
0:57 - One of the vampires gives a *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK! about now newly turned vampires are so much stronger than long-time ones like them. So how do they train for this deadly threat? Umm, by fighting each other. Because obviously fighting someone slower and weaker than your opponent will better prepare you to fight them. Also, the wolves showed up for the training but didn't train at all. I'm guessing this had more to do with the effects budget than any kind of strategy.
1:01 - Jasper, the vampire who just attacked us with exposition, was an officer in the confederate army before he was turned. Two VERY important things about the origin story he tells. #1 he is sure to mention that he made major without having seen a battle, which doesn't make much sense since he's like 12, and he gets turned right after helping evacuate some women and children. Takeaways? He didn't kill anyone and helped two groups that women tend to like men helping. Are you starting to see how these movies work?
1:06 - Their genius hiding spot from the vampire army? A campsite. Literally the most secure location in cinema history. Oh, wait, no, people typically get eaten by bears or chopped up by machetes at campsites.
1:08 - Also, the plan involves Jacob carrying Bella to the campsite without his shirt on. This doesn't seem strange to anyone.
1:09 - Wait, now Bella is at home. Why was Jacob carrying her? I understood Inception, how am I so lost now? Oh right, because there isn't a plot in this one.
1:11 - "Dad! I'm a virgin!" Feminist ROARRRRR #8: Take that stereotypes! You buncha pussies! STRONG!!!
1:12 - Bella arrives at Edward's house and he opens the door and says "what are you doing outside? What's wrong?" How else was she supposed to get from her house to your house? We've officially reached the point where they're just doing dialogue mad libs.
1:14 - Bella is now trying to get Edward to have sex with her. Feminist ROARRRRRR #9: Fuck being a virgin! I feel differently than I did ten minutes ago! ROARRRRR!!! WOAH! Wait, she just said she'd marry him if he makes an honest attempt at having sex with her...I think that's going to have to go down as a Feminist ROA-wait, what the fuck did she just say? #1.
1:16 - Edward stops almost immediately: "Believe me, I want to...I just want to be married to you first." I think he just wants to avoid mentioning that since he no longer has blood circulation that...well...you know. Also, I wonder how many closeted Republicans' first wives were suckered in with that line.
1:17 - Edward is now waxing poetic about how he would've courted her back in the day. Because life was just like a Jane Austen novel until about 15 years ago. BOOM! They just got engaged while I was typing that. Good thing thing they had that discussion about the pointlessness of marriage, like, a week ago.
1:22 - Jacob is shirtlessly carrying her again...for real this time, I think.
1:24 - Jacob has decided to stay at the campsite and not fight with the others. Soooo to review: a group of immortal vampires and their secretive, clan based enemies, have joined forces to protect this random girl that a wolf and a vampire have a crush on...except neither of those dudes are going to fight. I will give this movie three thumbs up on my Tivo RIGHT NOW if all the other characters just leave and these morons get mauled in their little Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt 1 tent.
1:25 - There's a storm, Bella is fully clothed and freezing, somehow shirtless Jacob (who has been outside the tent the entire time) is going to shirtlessly warm her up, much to the chagrin of Edward. Wouldn't it make more sense for him to turn into a wolf, because his fur will be warme...why am I still trying to use logic? Oh well, at least it lets me know I'm still sane.
1:27 - Jacob and Edward are having an argument while Bella sleeps and Jacob barely spoons her (which is apparently keeping her comfortably warm). Jacob is claiming she loves him too, Edward is being angsty, and I'm realizing how much I wish he was being played by Gary Oldman from Bram Stoker's Dracula right now.
1:30 - Edward and Jacob finish up on good terms, with Edward saying he'd let Bella go if she chose Jacob. Because she holds all the cards, and the world and everyone in it shall bend to her decision. How is this less insulting than "guy movies" having strippers in them? At least the strippers are getting paid.
1:30 - There's snow everywhere at the campsite. Didn't they just graduate high school, making this June? Where the hell are they?
1:31 - Jacob just found out Bella and Edward are getting married and he's not happy about it.
Bella: Well what can I do? Jacob: You can't do anything. I can! By going out there and killing something! Bella: No! You're not thinking clearly! Don't do that! *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK!
1:34 - Bella just kissed the shit out of Jacob for ten minutes, then was surprised when her psychic vampire fiance noticed.
1:36 - The big vampire army battle has started and the super strong newbie vampires have yet to do anything but get knocked completely off their feet by he older, weaker vampires.
1:37 - There are repeated shots of good vampires pulling bad vampires off of wolves, then sharing knowing glances of appreciation with said wolves, because *SMACK!* CULTURAL RIVALRIES BEING MENDED! Also, the good vampires weren't supposed to stand a chance without the wolves, but they keep having to save the wolves, so I'm starting to think they guilted the wolves into coming just to make a big show of saving them every other second. What a bunch of assholes.
1:39 - Edward explains to the evil vampire how he's been manipulated the whole time, and Bryce Dallas Howard doesn't really love him, causing evil vampire to hesitate. Really thought guys were finally going to have their own super power in this series, the power of bros before hoes, but alas evil vampire attacks anyway and gets lit up by a werewolf.
1:40 - The vampires use a strange amount of choke holds and sleeper holds on each other considering both are used to impair respiration and circulation, neither of which are peformed by...you guessed it...vampires.
1:43 - Bryce Dallas Howard is dead, everyone survives. Yeah, that's right, EVERYONE survives the deadly attack that was so dangerous. Even the kid who got introduced in the "I'm getting introduced just to get killed later" role. Jacob does get the bones on one half of his body shattered, but obviously the other shirtless werewolves are able to pick him up and carry him to safety before the Volturi show up. The editing for that scene looks like this.
(Jacob carried away)
(close up on Alice) Alice: They're coming!
(The Volturi walk up to them)
I'm not exaggerating.
1:47 - Very dramatic scene where Vampire Dad and the Native American chief shake hands, solidifying their bromance, then Bella is informed that Jacob (who Vampire Dad mentions will be fine, even though he's recovering in a cabin from having the bones on one half of his body shattered) is asking for her. Although it's kind of affected by the fact that all the werewolves are standing around, looking like they're about to head off for a swim.
1:51 - Bella sets a date for her wedding, in August, a month before her birthday. So why did she get airline tickets for her birthday back before graduation? Who gives someone a birthday present 3 months early? Vampires! That's who! Still very confused about how they had a snowstorm in July. Confused about a lot of things, much like these characters, so maybe I am connecting with them after all.
1:53 - "This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob, it was between who I should be and who I am. I've always felt out of step. Like, literally stumbling through my life. I've never felt normal...because I'm not normal, I don't wanna be." That's the sound of Hot Topic's board of directors getting a collective boner.
Wait, did that movie have a plot?
Status: Three Thumbs Down *bong, bong, bong*
