Monday, September 15, 2014

TV Throwback: The Office S2E1 - The Dundies

I've said it before and I'll say it again right now: season 2 of The Office is the best season I've seen of any TV show. The American one I mean, not that the second (and final) British season is any slouch. There's some time before the Fall TV premieres and I feel like doing/writing something fun in the meantime so I've decided to re-watch and discuss the second season and why I'm so enamored with it. Unfortunately my TiVo won't be making this journey with me because it's in a different country right now, but thanks to there being a TiVo Netflix app I'm going to pretend they're cousins or something. Okay? Let's get started.


The season premiere is "The Dundies" about the Scranton branch's annual employee awards show/chance for Michael to buy his employees' attention for his wanna-be Johnny Carson act. I like to think of it as a season opener in two ways: obviously that it's the first episode of the second season but also thinking of the first season as kind of a pre-season. The system was still being drawn up, the roles were still being tinkered with, the timing and chemistry wasn't quite worked out. There are some call-backs later in the season to things that happened back in that primordial ooze, but much like with Parks & Rec's first season, or an NFL pre-season, you could watch it but it's more about seeing the potential take shape than be reached. This episode works perfectly as an introduction for those who skipped the pre-season (and most did) but let's get started and talk about that later.

Play...

00:35 -  I like how, along with similarly high quality, comic sensibilities, and talent interconnection, there's a through-line of GREAT theme songs running through The Office, 30 Rock, Parks & Recreation, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. It's not crazy to think they could exist in a shared universe, right? If BK99 has an episode about the difficulty of policing a "Leap Day" celebration I will be like pigman in PCU: "THIS IS MY THESIS MAN!"

01:29 - Right away we get one of the five-tool jokes that made the show so great in its prime and were so sorely missed when all the jokes seemed to become "now isn't THIS a wacky situation? Wakka wakka!" Michael is explaining The Dundies in an interview with the documentary crew, and more importantly the importance of The Dundies from his perspective. He describes how un-worthy of awards some of his employees are simply by who they are ("who's going to give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?") establishing that he's a jerk, that he's shallow, and he has a pretty low opinion of some of his underlings. He's doing this as a service to them ("this is everybody's favorite day") and paints an absurd picture of an employee sharing their Dundie triumph with their neighbor only to have the neighbor hang themselves due to "lack of recognition." So in the first minute we have this dismissive jerk tell this ridiculously over the top, self-congratulatory story about how he's kind-of saving his employees lives with this comedy award show, which also hints at his own fear of going unrecognized when you consider how drastic and over-the-top he envisioned the consequences. Huh? Layers? Remember when this show had layers???

01:37 - And almost immediately we get an employee's perspective on "everybody's favorite day" as Pam describes The Dundies as a car crash you want to look away from but can't because your boss is making you watch.

02:49 - Michael takes us on a tour of past Dundies winners, which also serves to help reintroducing characters (first real game after the pre-season, remember?). Starting with Jim who doesn't have his on display (or probably anywhere) but explains to Michael he doesn't display them to avoid getting cocky. Dwight sucks up by revealing his are at home in a display case above his bed, earning a "T.M.I." from Michael. Michael also takes a moment to explain in an interview that he used to say don't go there, but stopped because, "that's lame." I'm sure I could keep listing this stuff for the rest of the time but I guess the main point is the mockumentary format starts to get a bad reputation as a shortcut to plot and character development, since you can just have characters tell plot and character details directly to the audience rather than showing them, but The Office does show them. Rather than following up Michael's T.M.I. with a cut to someone else looking embarrassed, or a talking-head where they say "ugh, it's so pathetic and embarrassing that he talks like that" they take the chance to let Michael further dig his own hole by showing how childish and uncool his idea of cool is.

03:26 -  Now that we know Michael thinks The Dundies are "really funny" and that his idea of funny is calling Jim "Fat Halpert" repeatedly in a Fat Albert impression, and that he thinks T.M.I. is cool, newly upgraded slang (we're not even four minutes in by the way), we finally get to see some Dundies action via a tape recording (he has taped every ceremony) that Pam is being forced to watch to find highlights. It's Michael in a tuxedo t-shirt (HA! Bro! Classic!) singing a parody of Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5" using the names of his female employees that he obviously has NOT written before starting. "A little bit of Paaaam all night longgg, a little bit of Angelaaa on the...thing..." I love this immediate crystallization of Michael as a character. He does things for himself while also letting his imagination run wild to the point that his selfish party is saving lives, he has a shallow and warped "what's hot right now" sense of culture, and to him references and jokes are the same thing. I'm guessing he LOVED the later Scary Movie sequels where it's just people dressed up as momentarily newsworthy people.


05:19 - Somehow I forgot that Michael held a Tsunami Relief FUN-raiser which corporate allowed because they naturally assumed it was a FUNDraiser. Michael does feel like it was worth it as, "people were very affected by the footage." I didn't take into account how bittersweet Michael's wholehearted belief in the Patch Adams "laughter is the best medicine" philosophy would be after the circumstances of Robin Williams's death...but anyway, Michael has lost the company funding for The Dundies because he used up his yearly office party opportunity twice with the fun-raiser and an 05/05/05 party that he defends as coming around "once every billion years!" Combined with his fond memories of Lou Bega I have to think there was a little of the 9/9/99 MTV Video Music Awards hype in there. Plus the yearly "it won't be this date for another hundred years!" events of the naughts.

Something more important here is Michael's reaction when Jan "drops an a-bomb" about the funding being cut off. He immediately leaps up, directs the cameras out of his office, shuts the door, and closes the blinds; even leaving Jan hanging for a moment too long on the phone, prompting her to ask if he's still there. Another way The Office ruled at maximizing the mockumentary format rather than using it as a shortcut was how it dealt with the viewer as a character and visibility. I've written about it before, but the key is that unlike other shows, where the camera is a magic window into private moments, if a character is on-screen they are being watched. Either they know they are, or they can find out that they are. Michael's response here is to hide from everyone. He hides from the documentary crew to hide his agitation and minimize how undercut he just was by his boss, and he hides from his employees because he already promised them more appetizers and now the funding for anything has vanished.

06:05 - I called The Dundies Michael's chance to be a wanna-be Johnny Carson and here he is putting on a turban to do a mind-reader "loosely based on Carnac, one of Carson's classic characters" (aka EXACTLY Carnac). He also reveals a reason he's fretting over the lack of funding: no corporate approval means no open bar which means his audience won't be drunk...enough to tolerate him (is left unsaid).

07:11 - We get our first Jim & Pam moment of the season as she reaches a point in the taped ceremony where Michael hands out the award for "Longest Engagement" which she wins every year due to her fiance Roy's reluctance to set a wedding date. In the video we can see Pam's hurt at the joke at her sorest spot, Roy's insensitive enjoyment of it (his acceptance speech is simply, "we'll see you next year!"), and Jim's frustration at the whole thing. The camera swings around to current-day Pam watching the tape and captures her dread, as tonight she's sure to "win" again, and Jim's shared dread as he watches her from his desk. Jim tries to talk Michael out of the joke, framing the repetition as laziness rather than how it's STOMPING ON BOTH THEIR HEARTS! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?!?! *Spoiler Alert* Jim & Pam stuff is a good chunk of why I love this season of TV above all others, and seeing how hard they nailed it in a later episode is what got me watching the show after being a fan of the British one who was driven away by the bungled pilot.


09:22 - Actual tuxedo for Michael this year, and he had the words to his parody written ahead of time and put on cue cards! Really stepping up his game! Although, he is making an 8 Mile (released: 2002) reference in 2005.
10:00 - A brutally awkward part of this episode that I always forget is that the ceremony is taking place in the middle of a Chili's restaurant, with other diners all around with music, comedy sound affects, and Michael's awful jokes being blasted through a speaker system. Yikes.

10:59 - Perhaps no character went off the rails quite like Dwight in later years as he seemed to totally lose touch with reality. While later Dwight became a ridiculous schemer, early Dwight is defined by a devotion to honor, justice, and chain of command. In this episode the B-plot has been about some embarrassing graffiti about Michael on the women's bathroom wall, and his desperate need to read it and punish the vandal (or, barring that, all the women in the office collectively). What made him funniest was his utter, humorless devotion to black and white reality (and how Jim's pranks took advantage of that). Which makes him perfect as the utterly imperfect straight-man for Michael's terrible, hackneyed comedy routines:
Michael: I was out on a very, very hot date last night with a girl from HR, Dwight.
Dwight: Really? We don't have any girls from HR.
Michael: No, I, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy!
Dwight: Yeah?
Michael: And I was about to take her bra off.
Dwight: Yeahhhh!
Michael: When she had me fill out six hours worth of paperwork!
Dwight: Like an AIDS test?
12:09 - Almost immediately Roy and Darryl decide if they're going to have to pay for their own drinks they may as well go to a bar that doesn't have Michael performing in it, which seemingly means Pam automatically has to leave too. In the parking lot she angrily ditches Roy, chastising him for not considering what she wanted to do. Does she really want to watch The Dundies? Probably not, considering we know how much she hates the "Longest Engagement" award she's sure to get. Roy even references it as a reason to leave, which is even more insulting since we already saw him proudly guffaw over it in the taped ceremony. So he knows how upset it makes her (and thus how upset his refusal to set a wedding date upsets her) but only cares when he can use it as an excuse to go drinking with his buddy instead of her co-workers. Roy was SUCH a well-drawn piece of garbage without straying into cartoon villainy. You could clearly see why Pam deserves better than him while still having it be subtle enough that she doesn't seem like an idiot. You can understand how she became stuck in this situation, and why an argument in a parking lot isn't going to suddenly make it crumble the way usual dramatic tricks like infidelity might. Anyway, Pam chastises Roy for his insensitivity and stomps back to Chili's, joining Jim at his table.
12:15 - Oh God, Michael's racist Asian character "Ping." Thankfully Twitter didn't exist yet or we would be living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland after the meltdown these few seconds would have caused.

#CancelColbert
14:06 - Now Michael compares himself to Bob Hope on a USO tour in Saudi Arabia with how much he's sweating. What's interesting watching this era of Michael now is how he might be even more relevant now. I can 100% envision cold opens or even episodes about Michael's various adventures in hashtag activism. You  KNOW there'd have been an ice bucket challenge cold open. This was before the hashtag had even been invented, and already we had the perfect parody of people thought "click to change the world" was a thing. I was happy The Office didn't keep dragging itself along past it's sell-by date, but right now I'm kind of bummed out we didn't get Michael Scott reacting to Upworthy videos, running out of his office to proclaim "the first three minutes will make you the angriest, but then it'll change your heart forever!" or messing up Doge memes. GAH! I need to stop thinking about this. It'll drive me mad.

17:46 - It's strange how much the transition to emotional stuff in sitcoms has devolved recently. It's not as telegraphed as in the 80s and 90s with the "issue episodes" of sitcoms where a character would turn to the camera and say "okay folks, we've had fun tonight, but I'd like to take a minute to talk to you about rabies," but tonal shifts still come with a sort of "ca-CHUNK" like you can see, hear, and feel the train switching tracks. Here we get the "we're a family" stuff, but from how it actually tends to happen. It's funny how Ed O'Neil is in both Modern Family, which really noisily (and effectively,but noisily) will switch from comedy to emotion for the "we're a family" bits that pop up so often, and he was in Married With Children which had possibly the most subtle "we're a family" transitions of any sitcom. Some outsider would criticize or insult the Bundys and next thing you know their interpersonal venom would align outwards and they'd go on the attack (often literally ending up in a brawl).

Here we get the first attack from outside Dunder-Mifflin, as some townies at the bar (including a conspicuous Apatow-verse cameo regular) hurl insults and then objects at Michael during the awful "Tiny Dancer" parody "Tiny Dundie." Something about Michael that falls away in later seasons is that he will never seek out a reason to stop doing something he wants to do, even if it should be obvious to him, but if one smacks him across the top of the head he will be defeated immediately and takes it hard. Here he effectively cancels the rest of the show, not in a showy huff but with a realization a more tactful person would've had from the start: "I had some more Dundies to give out but I'm just gonna cut it short and wrap it up so people can enjoy their food." He then dejectedly gives Kevin an award commemorating how badly he made the bathroom smell one time. Pam, who has been drinking all night, either to drown her dread over yet again winning "Longest Engagement" or her pain over still being in the longest engagement, shows her care for Michael by showing care for The Dundies as she starts clapping and cheering for Kevin's victory, prompting Jim and the others to join in. She points out that she hasn't gotten a Dundie yet, and Jim says he hasn't either and starts a Dundies chant that allows Michael to "reluctantly" return to hosting from his pit of despair.

After Stanley wins "fine work" and gripes in an acceptance speech (the first of the night) that last year he got "great work," Michael announces that the next award goes to Pam, whose drunken laughter over Stanley's speech immediately seizes into expectant dread. She has won...the "whitest sneakers award!" She gives an exuberant speech, really playing off the award show cliches that Michael tries to lampoon but doesn't understand parody enough to be able to. Everyone applauds and enjoys. She hugs Michael and kisses him on the cheek, and returns to the table where she hugs Jim and kisses him...on the lips. Again, SO MUCH of this show isn't just what's happening but that it's happening with other people watching. All their co-workers in the background hit various levels of "woahhhh" and Jim awkwardly walks back around the table to his seat with a struggling mixture of "wish the BEST MOMENT of my LIFE didn't just take place in front of EVERYONE."


18:06 - Just need to mention that Jenna Fischer's drunk acting where she's just sitting there staring at Jim and over-nodding as he talks to the camera is amazing. Also, fun-fact, we learn in a talking-head with the Chili's manager that she is now banned for life from Chili's for sneaking drinks off other people's tables to get around serving limits. A pity there'll never be a scene where she, Jim, and the kids are on a family road trip and desperate for somewhere to stop for food but the only places they can find are all Chili's.

20:23 -  Here at the end, Jim is sitting with Pam while she waits for Angela to give her a ride home. Pam reveals (to us) that she wrote the graffiti about Michael in the women's room and she feels bad, but laughs in agreement when Jim say no she doesn't. Sure she stepped in to save Michael's feelings when he was heckled by outsiders, but he's still the oblivious jerk of a boss who pressed on the bruise of her engagement and made her watch tapes of his bad jokes all day before watching them live that night. Angela's car eventually arrives and Jim walks Pam toward the passenger door, before Pam stops him. "Hey, um, can I ask you a question?" before looking towards the camera and following up with, "I just wanted to say thanks."

Maybe the fact that I study interaction is why I love this show so much. It's pretty common in sitcoms for coincidence and contrivances to act as the antagonist. Everything is strained misunderstandings and eventually The Office has it's share of them (especially with Jim & Pam). In season 2 though the "big bad" tends to be context. Pam abandons her question (and every time it kills me not to hear what it was) because they are on camera. She doesn't chicken out, or hold back for drama's sake. Even though her shyness has gone with her sobriety (which is what allowed her to rescue Michael) she still knows whatever she was going to ask should be asked in private, and they don't get to have that privacy with their relationship being an office friendship. Throughout the season we'll see moments where what holds them apart is understanding rather than misunderstanding, avoiding the usual "oh COME ON you IDIOTS!" frustration that comes with watching characters think and act like characters, living lives where nothing can be solved before the finale and behavior has to follow the plot rather than logic.

I doubt every post in his re-watch will be THIS massive. I just had a lot of pent up feelings about what made this show so great I guess. Hopefully it was somewhat interesting. Usually I give things the thumbs up/down ratings of my TiVo but I feel too close to this material to rate it (plus Netflix uses five stars rather than three thumbs). So I'm going to try and rank them, even just out of my own curiosity for where things end up. Congrats to "The Dundies" for shooting right to #1!

=Rankings=


#1: Episode 1 - The Dundies

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Scouting Report: Atlas Shrugged

It's election season! Because the last two years that election related things have been happening apparently don't count. It's possible that our new vice-president will be a devoted follower of Ayn Rand and her seminal work Atlas Shrugged. I'll admit I'm curious about what that would mean, so I should probably read that book. Let's face it though, much like a high-school student it's going to be much better to just watch the movie. So, can Atlas Shrugged change a filthy Socialist Obama-supporter toward the light of unfettered capitalism? Let's find out.

Play...

0:00 - Maybe the earliest comment I've ever made, but when your production company's logo is of Atlas holding up the world, and your movie is called Atlas Shrugged based on the novel called Atlas Shrugged, the cover of which typically includes a picture of Atlas holding up the world? You mighttttt not be a very successful production company.

0:01 - Anytime the first minute of a movie includes the phrase "the pirate Ragnar" and has someone holding a newspaper with a headline to that effect I need to stop. So let's set up the world of this science fiction story, because I didn't realize before that it's a science fiction story. So it's set in the future and oil has become prohibitively expensive for a multitude of reasons and now rail travel is basically the only thing people can still afford. The government is passing laws prohibiting profitable companies from firing people and restricting the ability of companies to increase prices. Also, all the infrastructure is collapsing for reasons so far uncovered other than footage of various infrastructure collapsing.

0:04 - "Who's asking?" "Someone who knows what it's like to work for himself, and not let other feed off the profits of his energy." Something tells me the EXPOSITION ATTACKs from my Twilight review are about to seem a lot tamer. By the way, we are now informed that Midas Mulligan, the guy who asks "who's asking" is now missing after taking to the mysterious stranger. He's also a bank CEO, which might be the most amazingly ironic choice for who to provide as an example of someone who only profits off their own energy since it's a job that, by definition, makes profit off the profit of others. It's kinda why that job exists. But anyway! He's gone now. But the music makes it seem like he went someone nice.

0:06 - Everyone now relies on trains because gas is $37, but the train station is no busier than normal. Just saying.

0:07 - The guy running the biggest railroad in the country just threatened his assistant that "everyone's expendable" after the assistant questioned his job performance. No they aren't, government made that illegal in the prologue. Six minutes ago. Just saying.

0:09 - We now meet our heroine, the sister of the evil railroad guy who is now telling him what the company is going to do. Mainly, they're going to get their steel from a guy named Rearden. Experts are skeptical of his steel, but she's confident in it because it's lighter, cheaper, and tougher than anything else out there and she studied engineering in college. Assuming she studied the accepted concepts of metallurgy then it's strange that the experts dislike something that's lighter, cheaper, and tougher. It's almost like they're purposefully moronic.

0:10 - "RAGNAR THE PIRATE STRIKES AGAIN!" CANNOT tell you how excited I am to see where the hell that newspaper headline-related storyline is going.
0:10 - We are introduced to Hank Rearden, who is loving watching over the massive assembly line for his metal, located in his MASSIVE factory. Literally a minute ago it was revealed in evil railroad guy and his sister's conversation that no one, I repeat NO ONE, has ever used Rearden Metal but she'll be the first. Which begs the question why he needs this level of production, or how he managed to finance it in the first place. Keep in mind the world economy is collapsing, so it's not like he's Pets.com and can just print money based on a wild idea.
0:10 - His secretary informed him of messages from a council on metals, a science board, and the labor union for the product he produces. He instructs her to "file" each, which means throw it in the trash, which she does gleefully. So I'm going to assume she's not part of a union, or she just doesn't give a shit because she can't be fired...no, wait, they've never sold a product. So his company surely isn't profitable. So he can fire whoever he wants! Watch out secretary! Oh, wait, no. She probably just did it gleefully to indicate that his actions are the preferred actions for a character in this story. Carry on everyone.

0:13 - Rail sister Taggert (her first name hasn't been mentioned yet) and Rearden discuss the specifics of their business deal alone in his barely lit office. Because apparently legal teams run on oil and have since died off. To be fair I'm starting to think he's someone who makes steel and now has a new form of metal, which he has created himself because research & development departments run on oil and have died off.

0:16 - I can't even wrap my mind around this scene. Hank gets home, where his wife, her mother, and two of her friends are waiting and all call him Henry. They tell him he works too hard, he gives her a gift of a bracelet made from the first pour of his new wonder metal, she scoffs at it and everyone calls him selfish and talks about how he should've given her diamonds. This is his wife. These two people dated, got engaged, and had a wedding. One of her friends immediately walks after Hank and asks him for money for "Global Awareness" about 15 seconds after scolding him for being selfish. Hank tells him to call first thing in the morning and he'll authorize $100,000, and the shithead immediately starts insulting him again about how he doesn't care about the underprivileged, which Hank admits with pride.

0:18 - Another of his wife's friends makes vague political threats at Hank while he's eating dinner and Hank asks "what's wrong with the world today?" before scarfing down a huge bite of steak. Is he seriously not the bad guy in this movie? Is everyone the bad guy? It's like someone telling the story of GI Joe from Cobra's perspective.
0:18 - The question "who is John Galt" pops up again, Hank ponders it furiously while continuing to cannonball steak and wine during a gobal depression after returning from his company that apparently hasn't been selling any of the sole product it seems to be manufacturing.

0:21 - Some old guys from the government sit around a table and have a "we are giant cocks" discussion about throwing Hank under the bus and trying to destroy his metal.

0:23 - Dagny (train sister) finishes video conferencing with someone (by the way, she went to Philly to talk to Hank Rearden, in a world with dwindling fuel, when video conferencing still exists. But is still apparently excellent at business and determining where best to invest resources). Evil train guy scolds her for pulling all their investments out of Mexico. He wanted to help the people there improve the area, she didn't see a reason to. He makes an angry statement about not helping people who need their help. She sits lockjawed and heroic. So both of our heroes are on the "people who need help can get fucked" train. And remember, trains are popular due to the lack of oil.

0:23 - A guy named Owen walks in to Dagny's office (still a little confused how she took it over from evil train guy. Are CEOs like hermit crabs and she just claimed his shell while he was at evil government bastards meeting in the previous scene?) and tenders his resignation. She basically seems like shes appalled, and tremendously frustrated that nothing she can offer will get him to stay. Finally, she asks what made him leave, he responds, smiling "who is John Galt?" We don't get to see her OBVIOUS follow-up questions, because apparently conversations can end like that.

0:25 - Hank fucks his wife's brains out...well, his brains out using his wife, because she asks "all done then?" when he finishes. He goes to his office to do some work and gets a phone call from Dagny about the whole John Galt thing.

0:29 - Mexico nationalized Taggart's trains, evil train guy took credit for Dagny's plan to screw the Mexicans in order to save face with the executive board. Once again, WHAT IS THE STRUCTURE OF THIS COMPANY?!?!

0:32 - Evil train guy came up with an idea for a rule creating train monopolies in the morning. By what seems like the afternoon it's the law of the land and an entire railway has already closed and a businessman effected by it has arrived at Taggart's offices to complain. Might I remind you that everything is by rail travel, the rail industry is apparently undergoing an unprecedented restructuring that afternoon, but some how a guy made it from Colorado to not Colorado in time to surprise Dagny in her office. Also, he went to the office to see if "anyone in this family has a brain" meaning he didn't know anything about her really. So he went through a transportation shit storm, in a world where transportation is exceptionally difficult already, in an afternoon to go see someone he assumed was an idiot who couldn't help him. Once again, it's been established that he is an excellent businessman and video conferencing still exists.

0:41 - REARDEN AND HIS WIFE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! District 9 is officially more believable than this movie. No, I don't mean as a movie that could happen, I mean as a movie that would happen.
0:43 - Rearden explains to a party guest that he supports his wife and her friends because they're a bunch of miserable children. He does realize you're supposed to marry people you like, right? Maybe he'd be more open to charity if he met some cool underprivileged people, and not the huge assholes he's been bankrolling into basically doing a Marie Antoinette impression.

0:49 - I'm pretty sure everyone from the government is being played by Dobby the Elf from Harry Potter.

0:52 - Dagny goes to the "State Science Institute" which is represented by a building that I'm 80% certain is actually a church. I'll just say it right now, whoever made this movie has never been to an institute or science-y place in their life because they don't look like Hogwarts. Good news: one of the scientists dropped a Ragnar the Pirate reference! Apparently he's like Robin Hood. Can I watch his biopic instead?

0:54 - Taggart's offices are in New York. So that guy got from Colorado to New York in an afternoon on a train during a nationwide reshuffling of rail lines. Didn't know his was a superhero movie.
0:55 - Also, I should mention the characters mostly travel by limo. Because if you live in a world where gas is over $37 a gallon you should travel in the biggest car possible. It's just good business.

0:58 - "I have never hurt a living creature in my entire life, but if you double cross me, I will destroy you." Well, you DID just divert aid to a bunch of Mexicans about a half hour ago. Some of them might still be alive.

1:00 - Dagny just offered sex to a Mexican billionaire for funding for her own rail line. He was her first option. Classy lady.

1:01 - Dagny and Hank Rearden have a discussion earlier in the movie about an engine parts manufacturer who went bust in Wisconsin. He now shows her pictures from the company of what appears to be an engine, this is their discussion as they look at pictures of a guy in a lab coat pointing a pen at what looks like an engine: "It's a new engine, not like any I've ever seen. Never went into production, I'm not even sure the thing works." "Well it's worth a look." This is a long bankrupt engine manufacturer that never got past the prototype phase. Their name? 20th Century Motor Corporation. WHO would think that's worth a look?! "18th century zeppelin company? Might be worth a look!"
1:02 - Apparently a law was just passed that makes it illegal to own more than one company. It's been in the works for a few weeks already, and Dagny is suspicious about how it went through so quickly. Oh, quickly? Like the sweeping realignment of the only remaining transport industry which was passed and implemented in ONE AFTERNOON?!

1:06 - The visual effects in this movie are impressive...in that it's impressive they made a digital model of a train that looks less realistic than Sharktopus.

1:09 - I hope everyone gets to see this train ride at least once, because the movie honestly tries to make it seem more dramatic than the entire running time of Rudy.

1:14 - Rearden and Dagny just had sex, and that scene REALLY should've taken place on a train and finished with the train going into a tunnel. Just saying, it would've been some damn good directing. Also, the movie goes out of its way to remind us that Rearden will be cheating on his wife right before they start to bone.

1:15 - John Galta Claus comes during the night for Wyatt, Rearden and Dagny's business partner and main client.

1:16 - "What is it with all these stupid altruistic urges? It's not being charitable or fair. What's with people today?" Said our heroine. In fairness, she is hearing the incredibly unlikely story of how 20th Century Motor Company was brought down by a flattened wage scale, which paid people according to their need rather than their contribution. It's at this time I must mention the hubris of whoever wrote this shit trying to cast judgment on people who produce inferior products.
1:17 - Dagny and Rearden are in the old, broken down 20th Century factory in Wisconsin. By the way, they drove here from Colorado. In a world that, in footage previously shown, has lost many of its gas stations. Sorry, superhero movie, I forgot. Anyway, as they're searching through Rearden remarks how there's not much left around even though Dagny mentions that it seems like they just walked away in the middle of work. She laments "it's too bad, I'd really like to figure out what happened here." Umm, Rearden just spent like 3 minutes explaining what happened. Remember? The really really unfair sounding flattened wage scale thing? Am I paying more attention to this movie than the characters at this point?
1:19 - Immediately afterward they find a secret passage that leads to a room with all the designs and prototypes and immediately figure out that the engine runs on...magic? I guess? Something about it creating an atmospheric vacuum, being a tiny particle accelerator, and making static electricity from magnetic fields. So, yeah. World-changing magic.

1:28 - Wyatt left with John Galt for the government-less utopia of "Atlantis." In his final act, he set fire to his oil field, leaving a sign that said "I'm leaving it as I found it. Take over. It's yours." Thus totally screwing the heroes of the story, his two business partners, who have gone out of their way to physically threaten anyone who might double-cross them. Also, the giant pillar of black smoke pouring from the blaze might suck for anything with lungs, and amazing how he was able to travel back in time and bury all those plants and animals millions of years ago to create the oil that he must destroy to restore it "as I found it.". But yes, way to go Wyatt. The movie ends with a voiceover from him announcing he's going on strike. Well, ya kinda burned down part of the planet on your way out, so you're no longer on strike; you're fired.
1:29 - WOO! End of Part I! There'll be more? Hoorah!

Well, that was thoroughly unconvincing. Let me just say, for all you radicals out there, if you're going to make an argument as primarily repulsive as "fuck everyone else" is to the average person, then you REALLY have to do a good job making it. Atlas Shrugged doesn't do a good job of anything. Oh well, at least now when Paul Ryan references it I'll have some idea what he's talking about...which is actually terrifying now, considering I kind of want to apologize to Twilight fans.

Rating: *BONG BONG BONG* Three thumbs down.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

The Hurry Up: The Office

Oh boy...I was going to do a big break down of what I think has happened to The Office by contrasting season 2's "The Injury" where Dwight gets a concussion with this season's "Tallahassee" where he gets appendicitis, but instead I'll just mention it generally here. It's not the loss of Steve Carrell, even though that seems like the easy conclusion along the lines of "I thought losing Peyton Manning would hurt the Colts, but MAN how good must he be if they're this bad?" It's not even REALLY the fact that the antics have gotten wayyyyy wackier over eight (again, EIGHT!) seasons, because that's a symptom rather than a cause. So what's the cause?

It's the cameras.

I actually went back and watched "The Injury" before realizing "Tallahassee" wasn't available online anymore, and it's incredible how glaringly obvious the issue is when you watch it and compare it to any episode from this season. People think the documentary format was the goundbreaking bit about The Office(UK) but it was what they DID with the format. The documentary format in the original Office and the first few seasons of the American Office made the audience a character, and that was the genius of it. David Brent and Michael Scott often reached their most cringeworthy while trying to impress US, not the other characters. They noticed where the cameras were pointing, who was getting the audience's attention, and they'd start trying anything to get next to that person or get the camera to turn to them instead. A character's reaction to the camera tells you something about them, and what you know about them informs how they're reacting in front of the camera.

Perfect example is "Michael's Birthday," where Michael's big day is overshadowed by Kevin possibly having skin cancer. Michael isn't a bad guy, and he doesn't treat his employees badly because he's a jerk. He treats them badly because he's so obsessed with the camera's (and thus the audience's) attention that he only sees his employees as tools to gain that attention ("cool" Jim, "hot" Pam, "hot" Ryan, and "urban" Stanley all being people Michael thinks the camera will gravitate towards, and thus people he gravitates towards), factors that threaten that attention ("old" Phyllis and Creed, "ugly" Meredith, and "weird" Dwight all being camera-poison, and Toby stifling his energy and creativity), or worst being RIVALS for that attention. Michael shows genuine concern for people in his moments of reality, and were the film crew to have never come to the office I'm sure he'd be totally focused on Kevin and his troubles. Michael's birthday was supposed to be a day he'd be guaranteed the camera's attention, because it's a day everyone has to pay attention to you and you alone. He wears a new suit, and although they never have him say it, it's obviously because he knows he's going to be on camera! His birthday party is at an ice rink, because his greatest talent is skating, and he wants to show it off for the camera. Kevin ruins that by taking away focus when he could get sick any day of the year, but "picks" the the one day of the year that's Michael's birthday. Without the importance of the camera, Michael just looks like a complete asshole, and in recent seasons people have looked like assholes because they still do these childish, attention whore things, but they never seem to care if it's getting them on camera.

Case in point: how does Andy feel about being on camera? That's why Andy is less interesting than Michael, he's a man with no subtext related to the general conceit of the entire show. He's the subject of a documentary, and there has been no explanation or even hint of how he feels about that.

The flip-side is the dramatic moments, which were fascinating because the characters didn't want them on camera. In "The Dundies" when they're leaving Chili's and Pam is drunk she says to Jim "hey, can i ask you a question?" then notices the camera and says "um, I just wanted to say thanks." We, the audience, REALLY wanted to know what that question was, but our being there directly affected what she was going to say and we probably blocked a major step forward in their relationship. The guilt of the audience went a long way to prevent Jim & Pam seeming contrived, because we weren't innocent in the forces keeping them apart. We don't hear Jim confide in anyone about his feelings until he talks to Michael in "Booze Cruise" about how he "used" to have a crush on her. Any other show could have him waxing poetic to a best friend character, safely tucked away from any actual observation, but the genius of The Office was that if we were seeing it then the characters knew everyone was seeing it, and adjusted their behavior accordingly.

What about now? NO ONE NOTICES THE CAMERA. The show isn't faltering because Michael is no longer a character, it's because WE are no longer a character. Two new characters jump to mind immediately as perfect examples of this: Cathy the temp and Val's boyfriend Brandon. Brandon is an easy one so I'll get him over with. He delivers some food, confronts Darryl believing he's sleeping with Val, and NEVER ONCE looks at the camera or seems to care that he's on camera. Really? What non-sociopath ignores the fact that a documentary film crew is watching him do that?

Cathy's problem begins right before they head to Tallahassee when she seems to assume taking three steps away from everyone else will give her total privacy to declare over the phone her intentions to sleep with Jim. Doesn't check where the cameras are, doesn't lower her voice, just blurts it out straight up. Far worse is "After Hours," the same episode as Brandon's insanity, when she puts her plan in motion and goes to Jim's room to "hang out" and desperately and overtly attempts to seduce him...with a full documentary crew in the room that Jim consistently looks towards in shock. Why doesn't Cathy try to get them/us to leave? Wouldn't that vastly improve her chances of Jim doing something unseemly? She was trying to get him to come under the covers with her, but the camera crew is still in there, so what was the endgame? That one thing would lead to another in a moment of weakness for Jim...in front of a full camera crew who would politely leave while shielding their eyes? It's completely idiotic and it's insulting to be told that our presence no longer matters; that this is just a normal sitcom now but with the benefit of having characters talk to the camera.

I'm sure it's frustrating for the writers and actors, who probably feel like they're making solid jokes and being generally funny, but maybe when you're so involved in the production it's impossible to feel how distant the characters have become from the audience. The viewer has been pushed to the outskirts, told to watch while all these wacky characters go have fun over there. That was the separation The Office originally seemed designed to run counter to: we won't have a laugh track to tell you what's funny, we won't pretend you're not there, we'll reward you for paying attention even if it means some people miss the moment. Now it just has the lack of laugh track (probably because it's one of the shows that killed the laugh track, although its zombie roams CBS). I've already covered how the characters regularly forget we're there, but another big moment happened this past Thursday: they specifically showed the clip of Andy punching the wall back in season 3 at the start of the episode in case we'd be too dumb to recognize him punching the wall during his breakdown. Then, just in case you were actively trying not to get the joke, Kevin says, "man, he really hates that wall!" Does anyone else want to explain the reference further? Maybe have Jim draw a diagram while Pam explains in a talking head that Andy once punched a wall and got sent to anger management, and now he punched the same wall? Ohhhh! I get it! He punched the same wall! HAHAHAHAHA! Thank you for bashing me over the head with it, I feel rewarded for my dedication to this show!

My "Hurry Ups" are supposed to be short recaps of the season so far, and that's obviously not what this turned into. I hate to be shoveling dirt onto a show I love so much, especially when it's still full of such talented people, but the things that made it The Office aren't there anymore. I'm sorry The Office, you're not the same show I fell in love with. Let's not make this any harder than it already is...we'll always have season 2, the greatest season of any comedy show ever.

(Oh, don't worry, as with any break-up I'll obviously be stalking...err, watching...for the conceivable future.)

Saturday, April 28, 2012

The Hurry Up: 30 Rock

I was about to say the same thing about 30 Rock that I said about Community, that the season's threads haven't really started to come together yet, but are there really threads? Avery is trapped in North Korea, but a captured North Korean spy might know how to get her out. Liz is still with Criss, and they've discussed having a discussion about maybe adopting a baby. Jenna's sexual walkabout is over and she's back with Paul. Kenneth is a janitor now. I really feel like this season could end without any of these things colliding with each other...but you never know.

It's become a little difficult to separate seasons of 30 Rock (can you honestly believe this is the sixth season? SIXTH!) since there aren't the types of storylines or events that can differentiate them, even though Liz's boyfriends should make it doable. This has also made any decline in the show equally difficult to notice until you catch an old repeat on Comedy Central. It's not a horrific shadow of its former self or anything, it's just a joke-a-moment pop culture megaforce that could never have sustained that momentum forever and should be lauded for remaining solid and true to its ideals. Pretty much the best case scenario for what Arrested Development would've turned into after six seasons if we're going to be honest with ourselves.

  • Best Episode So Far: "Hey, Baby, What's Wrong" because I'm going to pretend I got this done before last Thursday's live episode (like I meant to)
  • Worst Episode So Far: "The Tuxedo Begins" but I should stress it was hard to find an episode I legitimately disliked. They all had something I enjoyed in them (such as "normaling" in this one). Maybe it's just because I saw the Batman Begins references coming early on and expected more from them after Community's homages.
  • MVP Candidate: Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy (again)
  • Rookie of the Year Candidate: James Marsden as Criss
  • Best Moment So Far: Have to go with Dennis telling Criss the ending to the "Lez movie" they were watching on Showtime and having it turn out to be The Kids Are Alright. Couldn't think of a real stand out, but that was such a genius joke (remember, pretending I haven't seen the live show and everything Jon Hamm did on it)

Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Hurry Up: Community

Is this the final hurry up for Community? *gulp* If it is then I can just take solace in the fact that it lasted three times as long as Undeclared and has equaled Arrested Development (which has since risen from the dead). Plus, Dan Harmon's experience with Channel 101 "the unavoidable future of entertainment" offers some interesting ways for the show to continue on if NBC decides to kill it in order to get...what, exactly? To replace it.

Anyway, let's just pretend we're really heading for #SixSeasonsAndAMovie and talk about the season so far. It's an odd hurry-up because things are usually winding down right around now, but due to the hiatus everything is still in motion at Community. Troy is still under pressure to embrace his destiny as an air conditioner repairman. Abed is being forced to become a real person instead of just an outlandish TV character. Annie has recently admitted that her infatuation with Jeff has nothing to do with having found "the one," and may have helped Britta turn towards an actual healthy relationship with Troy.

Also, it can't be coincidence that the evil study group from the worst timeline has been introduced, with their felt goatees standing in place for the goatees they're growing to show their evilness, and Vice Dean Laybourne just HAPPENED to show up with a goatee and inexplicable ponytail halfway through the season. There's a real Lost feel to the things that happen with the air conditioner repair school, with Laybourne as the man-in-black and Jerry the Janitor as Jacob. Right down to the room where the temperature is used to define room temperature almost being the light at the center of the island. But...maybe I just still miss Lost.

  • Best Episode So Far: Origins of Vampire Mythology (Could've easily gone with Remedial Chaos Theory, but this one was fantastic without any gimmicks and I spent the whole week afterward watching it)
  • Worst Episode So Far: Competitive Ecology
  • MVP Candidate: Jim Rash as Dean Pelton. Literally every single moment of the Dean has been funny this year, and he was excellent as the Dean's many phases of ego in Documentary Filmmaking: Redux.
  • Rookie of the Year: Travis Schuldt as Subway. As much for concept as execution (plus it doesn't hurt that I'm glad he got something to do after Scrubs)
  • Favorite Scene So Far: Three moments have made me laugh the hardest: Seacrest Hulk, Kiss From a Rose, and the worst timeline in Chaos Theory. Best emotional scene goes to the ending of Vampire Mythology.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Tivo Roster Scouting Report: Is friendship magic?

You know that part in an alien invasion movie where a soldier will kill a giant monster in a really cool way and quip, "I love this job!" I can only imagine sociologists had the same reaction the first time a colleague mentioned the concept of a "Brony." A Brony, for those who don't know, is an adult male fan of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, but I'll let Wikipedia explain further:
Two informal surveys of about 2,300 and 9,000 participants, respectively, revealed that the average age for the older fans was around 21, that approximately 86% were male, and that 63% were currently pursuing a college degree or higher.
In the past I have tried, and failed, to understand Twilight fans but in fairness it was never going to be my world. This time though? I'm WELL over 86% male and I have two college degrees! So at the risk of being judged by an inanimate object I told TiVo to grab the next episode of Friendship is Magic so I can see if I can see what the fuss is about and take a step towards understanding such a seemingly bizarre social group.

In the words of Dean Pelton, "I hope this doesn't awaken something in me..."

Play...

0:01 - Okay, first hurdle of understanding has been cleared...oh, and coincidentally the first scene is a pony jumping over hurdles. Anyway, as someone who grew up in the 80s and early 90s (aka the 1980s of the 1990s) my familiarity with My Little Pony is from the theme song which would play during the commercials and be relentlessly mocked on playgrounds around the English-speaking world ("my little pony, skinny and boney" etc). This show starts out with the same Disney princess soundtrack for a few seconds before going "hey, can you hand me the pop-punk shaker? Thanks *sprinkle sprinkle*" If you know the chorus to "Sk8er Boi" then you can't really be embarrassed by this theme song. That was one of my very first thoughts, "how are these guys able to sit through that theme song?" Now I know, not as hard as you'd think. Only thing is I was hoping the intro would answer whether this show has a villain or not, but I'm still unclear on that so far.

0:01 - Oh and we have our first ad break. Completely forgot how many ads kids' shows have. Excuse me, shows DESIGNED for younger audiences.

0:07 - This already has more depth and complexity than I was expecting. Ponyville's resident athlete, Applejack, is on her way to the big rodeo and is under pressure from her family to perform her absolute best, from the town leadership to win lots of money (she's already pledged her winnings to fix the town hall) and from her friends to have fun and make the most of the experience. Did not expect to get to use my Sport Studies degree to see parallels with the pressures faced by high-level athletes in a show about magical horses.

0:09 - Now she's sent word back that she won't be returning but will send the money soon. Her friends have decided to head out to find her and see what the problem is. Yes, I can see exactly where this is going, but I also once predicted at the beginning of a Disney Channel show I'd never seen that two characters would surprisingly kiss at the end of the episode, to the surprise of my friend who watched the show regularly. So I won't get confused about the appeal YET, because it might just be that I have magic powers in regards to plot predictions. My Mom certainly does, so it could be inherited.
0:09 - Oh, and another commercial break! There's an ad for "slushy magic" that's already giving me an ice-cream headache just looking at it.

0:16 - Yikes, I think I might have been wrong. Naturally I assumed Applejack did poorly and was afraid of letting everyone down, but instead she kicked ass and took a job at a cherry orchard. Her friends are sticking around to find out what she's not telling them though, so *fingers crossed* I could still be partially right! On another subject, I wonder if the writers come up with suitably whimsical things on an episode-by-episode basis or if they have a big list of jobs and locations that are properly whimsical for the characters to be engaged in.

0:19 - While the other ponies use their hooves like hands and pick stuff up to manipulate it, one of them can levitate stuff and just does that all the time with everything. Makes her seem really conceited. Yes, if I could levitate things I'd do it all the time too, and yes I just got really catty about a magical animated pony. Whatever *Z snap*

0:24 - After refusing to answer any questions about why she won't go back to Ponyville, Applejack is now escaping in a horse drawn wagon after attempting to ditch her friends again. I was going to mention how weird it was that the ponies would be using other horses for transport but then I realized I was essentially describing a rickshaw soooo carry on, I guess.

0:28 - YES! I was RIGHT! Take THAT, uh, easy to follow storytelling? Applejack won a ton of ribbons but didn't come in first in anything so she was worried she'd let everyone down and took the job to try and make up for the prize money she didn't win. Of course her friends are proud of her and super impressed with all the ribbons she won and assure her that "we can always find a way to fix that hole in the roof, but if you don't come back we'll never be able to fix the hole in our hearts." Aww.

I get it! Well, I get why kids would like it. It has a younger-skewing Powerpuff Girls vibe to it, it's fast paced, and has vibrant yet archetypal characters. If I had a niece who wanted to watch a marathon of it I wouldn't be bashing my head against the wall about sitting there watching it. Would I search it out though? Would I buy the show's merchandise and adjust my outward persona to indicate outwardly that I watch the show regularly? No.

So why are guys my age watching it that way? I'm a researcher so I'm not going to do the Fox News thing and go "some might say..." and pretend it's a deep psychological profile that fits every guy who has ever watched an episode of a kids' show. What I WILL do is contrast the moral of this story with what would have happened in the boys' shows I watched.

I kinda knew what was going to happen because I could recognize the storyline of the big event coming up, with all the pressure to succeed, and what happens when you then fall short. In my experience it could be because you're Billy the Blue Ranger and have a big test coming up, so Rita sends down a monster called, I don't know, Exam-antis the praying mantis who asks multiple choice questions. OR the actual Power Rangers episode where Billy gets a B on a test so Rita sends a Bee-themed monster to attack him and destroy his psyche (look it up). The main character has all this pressure and expectation to succeed, they fall short, and they succumb to their worry that the people they care about will be disappointed or upset. Classic storyline.

The difference comes in the angle shown of that storyline. While Power Rangers would focus on the character undergoing the hardship, and place their friends at arm's length and absent from the narrative, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic focuses squarely on Applejack's friends and their reaction to her disappearance. Power Rangers would show visions from Billy's imagination, of his friends laughing at him or being ashamed of him, possibly with wavy lines or soft focus to indicate this was happening in his head. At the end he'd reveal to his friends that's what he thought their reaction would be, and they'd tell him how silly he was to think that and tell him how worried they were when he became distant. Friendship is Magic SHOWS how worried Applejack's friends are, and causes the audience to want to discover "what made her upset?" rather than share the character's fear of "will everyone be mad at me?" It's a subtle difference, but an important distinction. "Boys'" shows that I can remember feature characters suffering through the loneliness and doubt that we have all experienced and has the friendship stuff occur off-screen. When Applejack reveals her shame over not coming in first we all immediately understand because we've all been there, we don't need to see what Power Rangers will show us. Instead, Friendship is Magic shows us the friendship stuff, the part that's usually "off-screen" in real life when you feel alone, the part you don't get to see or notice when it's most important to.

The other important difference is the ending. If a kid on Power Rangers came in second in a karate competition the Rangers would tell them that's perfectly okay, just work harder and you'll come in first next time. When Applejack's friends see all the ribbons she won they're proud without any reservations. In their minds she kicked ass, and deserves praise for it. Is this what guys are getting from My Little Pony that they never got anywhere else? The idea that you can be proud of your accomplishments without having to now be responsible for immediately rededicating yourself to improving upon them in an ever-escalating cycle that never results in satisfaction or a feeling of achievement? I mean, obviously that's not going to be the moral of every episode, but if the overarching message of the show is "it's okay to be happy and to make other people happy and leave it at that" then I actually can see what draws Bronies to it.

The gender identification aspect of Friendship is Magic's male following seems to be the main mystery about it, more than anything age-related. The thing is that isolation and self-doubt are universal problems for everyone but assholes, and assholes exist in all genders, as do non-assholes. Being an asshole, at its base, has nothing to do with gender, or sexuality, or socio-economic status, or nationality, or ethnicity. It has everything to do with a desire for emotional isolation and ignorance, an incapability for empathy, and an unwavering focus on personal material success. I've noticed that when people describe pressure to act "masculine" the behaviors have more to do with being an asshole than anything required of simply being male. The idea that you need to be ruthless to succeed in business has always seemed to me to be more about the business world being ruled by assholes than being ruled by men. Looking at Bronies I don't see a group of guys wanting to act feminine, I see guys enticed by the idea that they don't have to be assholes. Taking the gender aspect out of it, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic reminds me of Chuck, the NBC show about a regular 'nerd' pressed into service as a spy for the CIA. I say 'nerd' because Chuck himself was tall, thin, smart, and handsome and the nerd moniker was more about his resistance to be ruthless than his proclivity for video games. He wanted to be open with his feelings, be with his friends and family, and make sure people were taken care of; everything the ponies of My Little Pony seem to represent. He wasn't in Ponyville though, he was in the CIA where even the women are men, and much if not all of the show's dramatic aspects developed out of that conflict. Chuck fandom doesn't get attention though, because it has guns and beautiful women and explosions and a male main character, but the morals seem to be the same albeit hidden under the codeword of 'nerd' rather than laid bare in magic rainbow-colored girlish delight.

So no, watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic didn't make me a Brony, but it didn't make me wonder what this world is coming to like Twilight did (and still does). Taken at face-value it's the same "sensitive guy" phenomenon that's been around for far longer than I have, and might just be a hyper-reaction to a Gears of War masculine "ideal" that only seems to be becoming more sociopathic. Either way, it's healthier and more enjoyable than watching the waning episodes of Entourage.

Rating: *ding* thumb up.



Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Twilight: Eclipse

Why am I watching a Twilight movie? Because I've seen the first two, and I will warn you right now that once you start down that rabbit hole there is no turning back. I watched Twilight once when it was On-Demand, aka through my cable box (sorry Tivo), because I wanted...nay...NEEDED to see what had led to such a cultural phenomenon that Hot Topic might just pass Wal-Mart. What followed was one of the worst acting, writing, and directing performances I've ever seen.

It was the Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen of romance, and I say that not just because that's another terrible movie, but because both are enlighteningly terrible. Transformers 2 gives you a Being John Malkovich-style journey into the mind of a Maxim magazine subscriber, an avvid Spike TV viewer, the person who questions your sexuality on X-Box Live, a 13 year old male. You can get the same thing at 3am any week night on Comedy Central as they show an edited version of National Lampoon's Generic College Gross-Out Sex Comedy #12. Twilight is one of the few non-horse-based movies that lays bare the equivalent embarrassing generic fantasy for women. From the trailer it looks like Monte Carlo is gunning for the title a bit, but "shopping porn" movies like that still get dirty looks from women who wish to be complicated. Twilight throws off the shackles of materialism, and tries SO hard to make Bella, the main character, some angsty, strong, substantial ideal for the true woman. It fails. It fails SPECTACULARLY. So follow me down the rabbit hole to watch characters, plots, and dialogue smash together and disintegrate in a brilliant explosion that reveals so much about the imaginations and fantasies that formed them. Truly, the Twilight Saga is the Large Hadron Collider of juveline female fantasy.

Play...

0:01 - Okay, someone is dead in the rain. I hope that wasn't too important because I started recording late and missed it. If I've learned anything from this movies it's that it wasn't that important. Also, when the super dramatic eclipse themed main title came up I couldn't decide whether to do the Heroes noise in my head, or try to imagine a crowd of 40-something women whooping excitedly. It seemed designed for whooping so I went with that.

0:02 - Bella and Edward (the vampire guy, in case you're lucky enough not to know) are sitting in a field of flowers as she reads poetry in preparation for her English final. He repeatedly kisses her and strokes her hair, because he obviously has nothing of importance to be doing, unlike her. She says she has to focus on studying...which is why students always flee the library during the finals week to buckle down in fields of flowers.
0:03 - Edward wants to get married, Bella thinks it's just a "piece of paper" and wants to be turned into a vampire instead. Feminist ROARRRR #1: Marriage is for wusses, not for me, I'm strong.
0:04 - Kristen Stewart bit her lip 5 times during that three minute scene. Oh you better believe I'm keeping a running count. Also she has to go home so she leaves Edward in the field. Um, is he just going to stay there? Why couldn't he walk her home? He had NOTHING else to do but kiss her and stroke her hair, why does he stay in the field?!

0:04 - *SMACK!* That was exposition slapping you right across the face. It happens a lot in these movies. Like right now when it cuts to Bella's sheriff Dad holding a newspaper with the giant headline "MURDERS, DISAPPEARANCES. POSSIBLE WORK OF A SERIAL KILLER. Yet another victim found in a Georgetown Alley."
0:05 - "You know why I'm grounding you right?"
"I know, I put you through hell"
"Yes you did. But I have other reasons...for grounding you."
The dialogue in these movies is mostly made up of topic sentences.
0:05 - For the record, Bella's Dad is a great character because he's always drinking, and I'm not 100% sure he's scripted to always be drinking because the guy playing him always seems to be drunk. I like to think he just kept bringing beer to the set and the director figured it wasn't important to argue with him about it. By the way, Bella has almost died a couple of times, and disappeared to Italy in the last movie after going into hiding. Not sure which of those was the "put you through hell" reference, but she only got grounded for it.

0:06 - Feminist ROARRRR #2: Bella drives a beat-up old truck instead of a Toyota Yaris, or Mini Cooper, or VW Beetle Convertable. I drive a guys car, what up NOW society?! I'm strong!

0:08 - The first thing that drew me to how oddly terrible these movies are is how interesting Bella's friends at school are. They're the best actors in the whole series, their scenes are always enjoyable, and they actually seem like they're in high school. Edward and the vampires all look like teachers, but no one seems to notice. Also, you're supposed to think Bella's high school friends are super lame, even though they're interesting and nothing but nice to her. I'm guessing this is so the edgy outsiders who shop at Hot Topic don't have to feel included, even when popular people are being nice and engaging with them.
0:09 - Edward's "sister" Alice can have visions of the future, because these movies add "every plot device ever used" to the traditional list of vampire powers. Oh, and they drive Volvos, that's another super power.

0:10 - Edward: Oh...Bella? My parents wanted to remind you about the airline tickets you got for your birthday.
Drunk Dad: What airline ticket?
Bella: Ah...a roundtrip ticket to see Mom in Florida.
Drunk Dad: Well...that was generous.
Edward: They expire soon, so you might want to use it this weekend.
*SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK!

0:12 - "The way he watches you...it's like he's willing to leap in front of you and take a bullet or something." Oh my God, just when I think we reached the depths of dialogue, we find a trench. Her Mom said this by the way, while Edward is creepily staring at her sunbathe through a window. Because that's ALWAYS what parents think when creepy dudes leer at their daughter, that he's so brave and devoted. Feminist ROARRRRR #3: Dad, who is around him all the time and is a dude himself, doesn't get Edward. Mom, who lives 4000 miles away, automatically understands the entire relationship. Because women are emotionally smart at a level bordering on omnicense, because they're so strong!
0:12 - "we're just..." "In love. I get it!" *SMACK!* That one was from character development, to show that Mom gets it. In case her correctly describing their relationship didn't already let you know that.

0:15 - Holy shit, the vampires were all just randomly standing in the woods like an Abercrombie/LL Bean crossover, when Bryce Dallas Howard came sprinting by. Was the Lady in the Water set nearby or something?

0:17 - Edward: If I asked you to stay in the car, would you? (gets out) (Bella gets out too) Of course not. Feminist ROARRRRR #4: I do what I want BITCH cause I'm strong!

0:19 - And the first appearance of Jason the Red Ranger! I mean Jacob, who is a wolf, and apparently a 9 year old who made a wish like Tom Hanks in BIG and turned into Taylor Lautner overnight. Or maybe his voice and acting ability just make it seem like that. Bella just got on a dirtbike with him and rode off, even though it's been established that this is the first they've spoken in weeks, and Bryce Dallas Howard is some sort of super vampire here to kill her. Uh oh, I think someone's going to get grounded for almost being murdered again!

0:19 - For the record, the fact that the werewolves are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS shirtless and in jeans never fails to make me laugh. Roll your eyes at men making movies featuring women in bikinis all you want ladies, we'll always have shirtless werewolves in jeans.
0:21 - "Wolf telepathy, remember?" ...no? Holy shit, did they give everyone in these movies telepathy so they wouldn't have to write conversations for them and everyone could just say out loud what they others are feeling so no one has to act? Stephanie Meyer is an idiotic genius!
0:22 - "Imprinting is like...when you see her...everything changes. It's not gravity holding you to the planet anymore. It's her." Now do you believe me about the Transformers 2 of romance? Think about that line for five seconds. Life makes a little less sense now, doesn't it?
0:24 - Going to apologize to Taylor Lautner, he has improved by leaps and bounds since the first two movies. Get this guy a sidekick role in an action movie, STAT!

0:25 - Things were supposd to be tense and dramatic because there was some new vampire going through Bella's room and walking around the house. The soundtrack was even tense strings! I'm struggling to figure out the difference between what that vampire was doing and what Edward is always doing

0:26 - Vampire Dad: Someone's orchestrating this
Bella: Victoria?
Alice: I would've seen her decide.
Edward: It has to be the Volturi
Alice: I don't think it's the Volturi either. I've been watching Aro's decisions too.
PLOT DEVICE POWERS ACTIVATE *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK!

0:27 - Edward and Jacob are arguing about Jacob protecting Bella from her non-Edwardian stalker when Bella yells "Stop! I'm tired of this. From now on I'm SWITZERLAND okay?!" Feminist ROARRRRR #5: I'm a country now, I'm strong. That's what she meant, right?
0:29 - Jacob: So, what did you want to do today? Bike? Hike? Hang? Your call. But we're going to a party tonight. *BOOM! IT'S IMMEDIATELY NIGHTTIME* That cut wasn't distracting at all.
0:30 - The party is a tribal meeting where they're going to talk about their secret tribal histories, Jacob explains that Bella is the first outsider EVER to hear them. So in case you're keeping score, she is so vital, special, and important that the werewolves and vampires form an alliance to protect her when they spend the rest of their time killing each other, and now she's the first outsider EVER to hear these sacred tribal histories. Did I already mention that all her friends are more successful and interesting than her?
0:32 - Feminist ROARRRR #6: The Native American tribe was saved from vampires by the chief's second wife. Even though she couldn't turn into a wolf and her only magic power was estrogen. She was pretty strong, or something.

0:35 - Vampire Dad: I'm surprised the Volturi let it go on this long.
Edward: Maybe they're behind it. In Italy, I read Aro's mind. He wants me and Alice to join him, but he knows we'll never choose him as long as our family's alive. *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK! Seriously, I think they're just starting to read the plot synopsis in the first person.

0:40 - Feminist ROARRRRR #7: Jacob kisses Bella, she punches him in the face. Why? Because slapping is for pussies! Also she broke her hand doing it, because apparently dogs are made of stone now? I'm confused, but in fairness I've never punched my dog in the face...
0:42 - One of the vampire ladies has a problem with Bella, so they talk it out head-on. Because if there's one thing teen girls are famous for, it's confronting relationship problems head-on.
0:45 - I'm really curious how long it took Stephanie Meyer to come up with "the vampire woman with a chip on her shoulder about Bella was turned after her fiance and his friends left her to die in the street after raping her" or if she just took it from the "horrible things no one would ever wish on anyone" handbook. It does kind of put Bella's "OMG I think Edward's totally cute so I want 2 b a vampire 2!" problems in perspective, but I don't really expect that they'll run with that. I will say that having a rapist be mauled to death by a vampire is something I will never argue with. Well done Twilight, you finally got me!
0:47 - "There's nothing I'm ever going to want more than Edward." Umm, when I was 18 I wanted to go to Quinnipiac instead of UNH. Now you couldn't pay me enough money to do that.

0:48 - Just a heads up, the ultimate threat in these movies is Dakota Fanning and a guy with a Justin Bieber haircut.

0:50 - Anna Kendrick just gave a one minute graduation speech that may or may not have been from a different movie. Kristen Stewart bit her lip 3 times in that minute, but that only brings her up to 11 so far.
0:51 - The wolves just showed up to a graduation party at the vampires' house and they're all wearing shirts. Now nothing funny is happening. Weak!

0:53 - Apparently the non-Edwardian stalker has formed a crazy vampire army to kill Bella. The vampires and the wolves are fretting over how to protect her. One group is immortal, the other is a highly secretive Native American tribe at war with them, and she's purposefully designed to be unremarkable. Realistically, the best she could hope for is being tied to a tree on the outskirts of town while everyone goes back to their normal business. Obviously that's not the plan they go with.

0:54 - Edward just showed up in a Jeep. Volvo owns Jeep? Now I'm confused again.

0:57 - One of the vampires gives a *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK! about now newly turned vampires are so much stronger than long-time ones like them. So how do they train for this deadly threat? Umm, by fighting each other. Because obviously fighting someone slower and weaker than your opponent will better prepare you to fight them. Also, the wolves showed up for the training but didn't train at all. I'm guessing this had more to do with the effects budget than any kind of strategy.

1:01 - Jasper, the vampire who just attacked us with exposition, was an officer in the confederate army before he was turned. Two VERY important things about the origin story he tells. #1 he is sure to mention that he made major without having seen a battle, which doesn't make much sense since he's like 12, and he gets turned right after helping evacuate some women and children. Takeaways? He didn't kill anyone and helped two groups that women tend to like men helping. Are you starting to see how these movies work?

1:06 - Their genius hiding spot from the vampire army? A campsite. Literally the most secure location in cinema history. Oh, wait, no, people typically get eaten by bears or chopped up by machetes at campsites.
1:08 - Also, the plan involves Jacob carrying Bella to the campsite without his shirt on. This doesn't seem strange to anyone.
1:09 - Wait, now Bella is at home. Why was Jacob carrying her? I understood Inception, how am I so lost now? Oh right, because there isn't a plot in this one.

1:11 - "Dad! I'm a virgin!" Feminist ROARRRRR #8: Take that stereotypes! You buncha pussies! STRONG!!!

1:12 - Bella arrives at Edward's house and he opens the door and says "what are you doing outside? What's wrong?" How else was she supposed to get from her house to your house? We've officially reached the point where they're just doing dialogue mad libs.
1:14 - Bella is now trying to get Edward to have sex with her. Feminist ROARRRRRR #9: Fuck being a virgin! I feel differently than I did ten minutes ago! ROARRRRR!!! WOAH! Wait, she just said she'd marry him if he makes an honest attempt at having sex with her...I think that's going to have to go down as a Feminist ROA-wait, what the fuck did she just say? #1.
1:16 - Edward stops almost immediately: "Believe me, I want to...I just want to be married to you first." I think he just wants to avoid mentioning that since he no longer has blood circulation that...well...you know. Also, I wonder how many closeted Republicans' first wives were suckered in with that line.
1:17 - Edward is now waxing poetic about how he would've courted her back in the day. Because life was just like a Jane Austen novel until about 15 years ago. BOOM! They just got engaged while I was typing that. Good thing thing they had that discussion about the pointlessness of marriage, like, a week ago.
1:22 - Jacob is shirtlessly carrying her again...for real this time, I think.
1:24 - Jacob has decided to stay at the campsite and not fight with the others. Soooo to review: a group of immortal vampires and their secretive, clan based enemies, have joined forces to protect this random girl that a wolf and a vampire have a crush on...except neither of those dudes are going to fight. I will give this movie three thumbs up on my Tivo RIGHT NOW if all the other characters just leave and these morons get mauled in their little Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt 1 tent.
1:25 - There's a storm, Bella is fully clothed and freezing, somehow shirtless Jacob (who has been outside the tent the entire time) is going to shirtlessly warm her up, much to the chagrin of Edward. Wouldn't it make more sense for him to turn into a wolf, because his fur will be warme...why am I still trying to use logic? Oh well, at least it lets me know I'm still sane.

1:27 - Jacob and Edward are having an argument while Bella sleeps and Jacob barely spoons her (which is apparently keeping her comfortably warm). Jacob is claiming she loves him too, Edward is being angsty, and I'm realizing how much I wish he was being played by Gary Oldman from Bram Stoker's Dracula right now.
1:30 - Edward and Jacob finish up on good terms, with Edward saying he'd let Bella go if she chose Jacob. Because she holds all the cards, and the world and everyone in it shall bend to her decision. How is this less insulting than "guy movies" having strippers in them? At least the strippers are getting paid.

1:30 - There's snow everywhere at the campsite. Didn't they just graduate high school, making this June? Where the hell are they?
1:31 - Jacob just found out Bella and Edward are getting married and he's not happy about it.
Bella: Well what can I do? Jacob: You can't do anything. I can! By going out there and killing something! Bella: No! You're not thinking clearly! Don't do that! *SMACK!* EXPOSITION ATTACK!
1:34 - Bella just kissed the shit out of Jacob for ten minutes, then was surprised when her psychic vampire fiance noticed.

1:36 - The big vampire army battle has started and the super strong newbie vampires have yet to do anything but get knocked completely off their feet by he older, weaker vampires.
1:37 - There are repeated shots of good vampires pulling bad vampires off of wolves, then sharing knowing glances of appreciation with said wolves, because *SMACK!* CULTURAL RIVALRIES BEING MENDED! Also, the good vampires weren't supposed to stand a chance without the wolves, but they keep having to save the wolves, so I'm starting to think they guilted the wolves into coming just to make a big show of saving them every other second. What a bunch of assholes.
1:39 - Edward explains to the evil vampire how he's been manipulated the whole time, and Bryce Dallas Howard doesn't really love him, causing evil vampire to hesitate. Really thought guys were finally going to have their own super power in this series, the power of bros before hoes, but alas evil vampire attacks anyway and gets lit up by a werewolf.
1:40 - The vampires use a strange amount of choke holds and sleeper holds on each other considering both are used to impair respiration and circulation, neither of which are peformed by...you guessed it...vampires.

1:43 - Bryce Dallas Howard is dead, everyone survives. Yeah, that's right, EVERYONE survives the deadly attack that was so dangerous. Even the kid who got introduced in the "I'm getting introduced just to get killed later" role. Jacob does get the bones on one half of his body shattered, but obviously the other shirtless werewolves are able to pick him up and carry him to safety before the Volturi show up. The editing for that scene looks like this.
(Jacob carried away)
(close up on Alice) Alice: They're coming!
(The Volturi walk up to them)
I'm not exaggerating.

1:47 - Very dramatic scene where Vampire Dad and the Native American chief shake hands, solidifying their bromance, then Bella is informed that Jacob (who Vampire Dad mentions will be fine, even though he's recovering in a cabin from having the bones on one half of his body shattered) is asking for her. Although it's kind of affected by the fact that all the werewolves are standing around, looking like they're about to head off for a swim.

1:51 - Bella sets a date for her wedding, in August, a month before her birthday. So why did she get airline tickets for her birthday back before graduation? Who gives someone a birthday present 3 months early? Vampires! That's who! Still very confused about how they had a snowstorm in July. Confused about a lot of things, much like these characters, so maybe I am connecting with them after all.

1:53 - "This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob, it was between who I should be and who I am. I've always felt out of step. Like, literally stumbling through my life. I've never felt normal...because I'm not normal, I don't wanna be." That's the sound of Hot Topic's board of directors getting a collective boner.

Wait, did that movie have a plot?

Status: Three Thumbs Down *bong, bong, bong*